Posts Tagged ‘Sheer Talent Competition Wayne NJ’

Dance Moms: Sorry, Sheriff. This Town Ain’t Big Enough For Two Maddies. It’s A Showdown At The Jersey Corral.

Wednesday, March 11th, 2015

nia

 

 

I’m looking at you with my It’s Been A Week And You Still Haven’t Downloaded My Single Side Eye.

 

 

g

 

 

Am I the only one who sees Godzilla busting through the wall behind me? What is this place?

 

 

bow

 

 

OMG! It’s me again! It’s like I just follow the ALDC tour bus around and scream my brains out!!!

 

 

rhoa

 

 

I said you’re falling out of your damn dress and the Candy Apples are gonna win the whole thing.

 

v1

 

 

 

Don’t turn around, but how the hell did Vivi-Anne get that underwear model for a babysitter?

 

l

 

 

 

Girl, you do NOT want me to put my phone down and lift my leg up right here in the hallway.

 

j

 

 

 

Honestly, I just wanna take off these heels and have a beer that’s about this big right now.

 

 

 

Attention.

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me now?

Don’t make me get my bullhorn.  Because I will.

No time for witty intros.  The Candy Apples are back.  And it’s a long one, so let’s do this.

Still trying to regroup after The Great Hollywood Divide, the Dance Moms gang headed into their second week back home with some snappy new Pittsburgh Galleria threads for the Moms and shiny leotards for the girls that were straight out of the Wizard of Oz.

Am I wrong?  I don’t think so.

Let’s keep it real.  When it comes to marketing her brand, Abby Lee Miller makes my head hurt.  From what I can tell, the official ALDC colors are black and white and that hot pinkish whatever it is color.  At least that’s what’s on all the banners and painted on the walls.  And when they randomly choose to wear their track suits (…shouldn’t that be a requirement when you come off the bus?..) they’re made from the same color swatches.

So when the girls all bounced in for the Pyramid of Shame looking like they had just finished re-stuffing the Scarecrow down at the Emerald City Day Spa,  I didn’t know what to think.  Was it just me?

Buff Buff Here.  Stuff Stuff Here.

I mean, even Abby’s newly down-sized, over-sized logo top was emerald green.

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Don’t get me wrong.  It was a nice color.  Like those LLBean fleece zip-ups that everyone wears on Sunday at Whole Foods.  And, honestly, it was probably pretty irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.  But it confused me.  Like if the New England Patriots suddenly came running out onto the field in new colors.

Which would be so wrong on so many levels.

Because.  I mean.  Red, White and Blue.  You don’t mess with it.

‘Merica.  We salute you.  Now back to our story.

Bottom of the Pyramid was anchored down by Nia, Honey Bow Bow Child JoJo and MackZ.  The mezzanine level was home to Kendall and Maddie, which left just enough room at the top for Kalani.

Oh.  And tiny Brynn Rumfallo was back in the lineup.  She’s very excited to be here, thank you.  She’s Abby’s latest recruit and looks exactly like the Tinker Bell cartoon you see on cups and plates about halfway down the girl aisle at Party City.

Which reminds me:  Happy Birthday, Kendall!  Everybody clapped and wondered why there was no cake.  There should always be cake.  Always.  I hope this new and improved Abby Lee Miller doesn’t mean we’re cutting back on the pastries.

This week, the crew was headed to Wayne, NJ for another Sheer Talent competition.

Maddie and Brynn scored solos.  Everyone clapped, but not as enthusiastically as they did when they thought there would be cake.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier Reference:  Maddie had a reputation now.  Her Sia video was nominated for FOUR Grammys!  Count ’em…FOUR!  We’re going to the Grammys!

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Hilariously, Maddie was quick to point out that OMG she was “so not going to the Grammys WITH Abby,” which I assumed meant that she would be driving herself to the Staples Center.  I didn’t realize she was old enough to have a license, but then again I’ve never actually seen any of the Ziegler’s birth certificates, so who knows.

But she’s not going with Abby, that’s fo’ sho.

The group routine was entitled ‘Dance In The Rain’ and was a typically subliminal Abby mash-up about waiting for meteorological (…and choreographical…) storms to pass.

Since MackZ (…yes, I believe she’s still on this show if I’m not mistaken…) and Nia had previously both won national titles in Las Vegas (…you go, Sasha!  First One!…) part of their responsibilities as crown holders was to dig out their old Toddlers & Tiaras sashes and hand out trophies on stage this weekend.  Exciting, right?  How fun.

Upon hearing that news, Nia was quite excited.  Who wouldn’t be?  But apparently she was not excited enough to bust out a handstand into a backward somersault ending in a signature Death Drop followed by a Times Square balloon drop and a confetti popper, which irked Abby so much so that she got all up in Nia’s grill about her lack of enthusiasm.

What?  Oh, sorry.  I was too busy climbing the iTunes charts with my new single.  What did you just say, Miss Abby?  Snap.  And another snap.  In a ‘Z’ formation.

Srsly.  Even when Nia is just looking both ways before crossing the street on her way to school, she has THE best Side Eye ever.  The.  Best.

And don’t forget to buy her single.  Like right now.  Right here.

Holly and I both finally blew a nutty with all this never ending NiaNeedling.

Enough.  Enough.

hf

And enough.

Insert random shots of Melissa nodding and agreeing and twitching a little here: _____.

Holly didn’t regret any of the decisions she made when the team was in California.  Not the recording studio.  Not the music video.  And she shouldn’t.  Because she did it for her daughter.  And that’s what a Mom does.

Side note:  If anyone is asking, that blowout haircut right up there is one of my favorite HollyLooks.  I think she’s singing one of the songs from Dreamgirls, actually.  And if you’re not asking, I just told you anyways.

As everyone got down to business, we scooted over to Ohio for a few minutes, to check in on Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her Candy Apples.  Long time no see, folks.

This week, Cathy had lured choreographer Erin Babbs back up to Canton.  Because, I mean, who wouldn’t want to leave all the glitz and glamor of sunny Los Angeles and spend a week trapped in a dance studio that’s attached to a place that sells homemade turkey jerky via local cable access infomercials?

I miss Chloe.  And her mini-Gaga Meat Dress.  Those were good times.

Erin, who we last saw giving the ALDC a beatdown in Hollywood, appeared more than happy to bring her expensive sunglasses and fancy choreography to Ohio if it meant humiliating Abby Lee Miller one more time.

Side note:  How much do we love Lady Killer Lucas Triana and those patootie Morales kids?  So precocious.  And how about all that Twitter drama with their respective Mamas?

Lawd.  I can’t even.

Gurrrrrl…you just need to Google it, because if I get started we’ll never see the end of this episode.  But trust me.  It’s Hair Salon juicy, so pull up a dryer and let’s dish.

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I love me some Lucas, except when he gets a little mouthy.  Such a playa.  He’s been my idol ever since the Dance Moms: Miami days when his head was too big for his body.

Remember when he swore at my boy Gavin and made him cry last season?  That wasn’t cool.  Not cool at all.  Because Gavin’s my boy and he has one of the best WTF face I’ve ever seen.  Who you callin’ a bitch, Bitch?

It was almost worth it just to see Mama Joanne Morales lose her nutty, though.  Almost.

Lucas just needs to know when to adjust the dial, because MiamiCute isn’t always gonna fly once you hit puberty.  Uncle Dan’s just trying to help, Cowboy.  That’s all.

Spoiler Alert:  The second trip back to Ohio wasn’t any better.  Cathy felt Lucas was acting squirrelly.  His Mom Brigette was starting to lose interest in the whole Ohio situation.  And Joanne kept phutzing with her long bangs and buzzed side of her hairdo.

Full disclosure:  I can’t remember the other two Moms’ names.  My bad.  I’m sure they’re very nice, but they were too scared to talk around Brigette and Joanne so they probably should have just gone next door and picked up some nice officially licensed Ohio Hickory Farms souvenirs while the kids were jumping around.

Jerky.  The Canton gift that keeps on giving.

Back in PA, the girls were rehearsing their brains out while the Moms finished unpacking the rest of their emotional baggage from the Hollywood trip.  Brynn’s Mom Ashlee was still blindly basking in the glow of the ALDC Honeymoon Phase, so he had no idea what to expect.  Blissfully oblivious I think they call it.

My MomCrush Jill wanted Holly to clear the air with Abby (…good luck with that, BTW…) and JoJo’s Mom Jessalynn was remarkably normal for the second week in a row.

Gotta admit.  Jessalynn’s starting to grow on me faster than her daughter’s roots are coming in.  She makes some really funny faces.

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Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  On point again.  Nothing too crazy this week.  Her focus was clearly on setting up Kendall’s BDay party and planning a trip to Boston so we can go shopping.  Hint:  Macy’s is having another One Day Sale this weekend.  With a preview day on Friday.  And I’ve got a coupon.  Just saying.

The Moms weren’t quite as divided as last week, but you could still cut the tension with a knife.  If you wanted to pull it out of Holly’s back, I mean.  Dr. Beyoncé still didn’t feel that the other ladies were behind her 100% and it’s a discussion that will clearly drag on for a few more weeks.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Side note:  Busted.

We already know that Lifetime is notorious for recycling little snippets of video and going completely hot mess on their continuity if they find leftover B-Roll in a drawer.  Don’t even get me started on that one.  I watched last week’s Bring It! two times before I even realized that it was a new episode.

But this time?  That same little hyper spaz girl with the hair bow going completely hyper spaz in her hair bow when the bus pulled up to the curb?

Busted.

Unless the lady behind her with the Canon SureShot is a math tutor and they legitimately pulled this peanut out of school so they can follow the ALDC bus around the country like two Aerosmith groupies, that’s the same footage from whenever that kid was on this show the first time going hyper spaz.

Granted, she is so freakin’ cute that I would be totally ok if they spliced her into every episode for the rest of the series (…it might actually make for some comic relief if she screamed every time Holly made a HollyFace…can you even imagine?  I died a little just thinking about it…) but c’mon, people.

bh

Side note Numero Dos:  If you fire the person who did that editing, I would be more than happy to come work for Lifetime Television and get advance copies of each episode so I can go to bed earlier on Tuesday nights.  Just thinking out loud.  Hook a brother up, guys.

Did I forget to mention that Cathy came stomping into the venue with a bullhorn?  Because she did.  And it was loud.  And childish.  And loud.  Very loud.

She also bullied some poor girl into taking an iPad selfie with her even though the poor thing was waiting for Abby to come around the corner.

Backstage, in a makeshift Green Room that was even crazier than last week’s makeshift Green Room (…this show is straight up visual overload for somebody like me…) Brigette dropped by to say Hi and then got busted by Cathy for fraternizing with The Enemy.

Somewhere around now was when Lucas rolled his eyes like he was Caroline Manzo on the Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Part Two.  You’re Garbage.

Maddie’s solo went like all the other Maddie solos.  Abby was afraid that her training had suffered because she was jet setting around the country pimping out that Sia video and becoming the next Disney IT Girl, but she did just fine.  Because she’s Maddie.

And she won First Place.  Der.

Side note:  What is Melissa always scribbling in those dance programs?  It’s like she’s picking her favorite horse to Win, Place and Show or something.  Anyone know?

Brynn’s solo was equally as well done.  Since Abby specifically imported her from Neverland to become the New Maddie, it was imperative that she dress her in basically the same costume and dim the lights a little so nobody had a clue who was actually on stage.  I think it worked.

For such a tiny little thing, Brynn has some crazy long flexible legs.  She got Second.

bsb

Vivi-Anne sighting:  I almost didin’t recognize her without ice cream.  But there she was, all sniffly and fidgety with her new Calvin Klein model Manny.  You see that dude?  And you know how Abby likes her ManCandy.  They totally edited out the part where Abby dropped her phone behind her seat and had to reach between his legs to find it before it started vibrating.

The phone, I mean.  Don’t be nasty.

The ALDC group dance, despite the MaddieCam focusing on one dancer a little too much, was really well done.  I swear these girls grow taller with every episode.

And then the Candy Apples hit the stage with one seriously whacked out edgy routine.

At first it kinda sorta reminded me of Asia Monet Ray‘s Wizard of Oz dance (…two references in one week?  What are the chances?…) from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition when she wore 47 yards of black garbage bag and almost gave her Mom Kristy Ray an aneurysm.  But then it kinda sorta reminded me of when they have to roll out that baseball field tarp during rain delays.  I couldn’t decide.

Regardless of what I thought, it was basically 4 military parachutes’ worth of fireproof fabric turned into a dress that all the boys had to whip around like they were sending smoke signals to the cheap seats in the back of the auditorium.

Holly had to admit that it was pretty cool, even though all that flapping did mess up her hair a little.  And you know how Mama is about her hair lately.

The ALDC won First Place, which meant that the CADC took Second.

Which meant that straight up chaos erupted in the hallway.  No wonder someone had blocked the exit doors with the same folding metal grates you always see pulled down in front of liquor stores after they close for the night.  You see that?  Is that even Fire Code?

Brigette called out Cathy for…I dunno…being Cathy, I guess.  Joanne got cranky.  Jill screamed something about Tea and Crumpets and I wondered why the Queen of England would even be in Wayne, NJ at this time of year for a dance competition.

mz

Jill stole Cathy’s bullhorn.  Because of course.  Plus, the only thing better than being loud and childish is to add grand larceny into the mix, right?

(In her defense, my MomCrush did admit that she wasn’t proud of her behavior.  But…oh, well.  Too late now, suckahs.)

Cathy fired Lucas from the Candy Apples.  Brigitte told Lucas to go back in and quit, which kind of defeated the purpose of being fired in the first place if you really think about it.  And then Lucas started mad trippin’ in the hallway by the lockers and suddenly morphed from Caroline Manzo into one of the beasts from VH1’s Bad Girls Club, whipping his iPhone around and screaming about how they all treat him like crap.

MmmHmmm.  I hear dat, girlfriend.  Shoot.

I think he even gave Gavin a wedgie and then shoved him in a locker if I’m not mistaken.

That poor GDawg can’t cut a break lately.

In all the excitement, Kira realized that her clingy dress had hiked up too far, but luckily recovered just in time before anyone had to splice in that little girl screaming again.

You catch that?  Yikes.

Then it was over.  I can’t remember if Melissa actually spoke this week.  I know Holly just needed a break after the last few episodes.  Can you blame her?

Abby was laughing and having the time of her life as the credits started to roll.  It was almost creepy she was so happy.  She decided to keep the old Maddie and send the new one back home for who knows how long.  Don’t fret, though.  Nobody ever seems to go away for good on this show.

We even got a quick glimpse of the kids actually being…just kids…as they snatched the bullhorn and ran around backstage.  It was cute.

Jersey was fun, but it was time to go home.

See ya next time.

Buh bye.

hi

Dance Moms: Tick…Tick…And Boom! The White Board Of Doom Just Turned Maddie’s Buddies Into Understudies.

Wednesday, September 10th, 2014

n

 

 

So you really think it’s a good idea to do this right now? You do know who my mother is?

 

 

jv1

 

 

 

I know, right? If you squint I totally look like Vanna White.

 

 

c

 

 

Me? Just Grandma pillow fringe, some Spanx and a squirt of jerky juice. What are you wearing?

 

 

hf5

 

 

Imma need one of you to hold my Ph.D. cuz Mama’s about to shut this thing down hard.

 

 

cnn

 

 

Forgot his costume at home, but I got a 3pack of Hanes and a crayon. Guess it’s time to MacGyver some warrior s***.

 

 

hf1

 

 

I told you NEVER shoot me from this side unless you want me going all Mariah on your a**.

 

 

mz

 

 

Can one of you stop yelling long enough to fix whatever’s going on with my hair right now?

 

 

hc

 

 

Srsly. If this chick doesn’t stop talking I’m going right over the back of this seat. Today is NOT the day, sister.

 

 

 

With apologies to the other Beyoncé

        Abby, can you handle this?

        I don’t think you can handle this.

Because like the song says…I don’t think you’re ready for this smack down.

I know I wasn’t.

Trust me on this one.  Don’t mess with Holly Frazier.

Just don’t.

If you’re pressed for time, that’s the short version of this week’s Dance Moms episode.

Thanks for stopping by.  Be sure to enjoy the rest of your day.

But if you’re sticking around for all the details, you’ll probably want to grab a snack and pop a B-12 or a couple of Stresstabs, because it’s gonna be a long one.

With only two competitions, a concert and a couple of recycled Director Cut edits to go before Nationals (…which you get to via that infamous Road to Nationals…) the tension was already on the rise inside the studio as the gang rolled in for the Pyramid of Shame.

Seriously tense.  To the point where you could almost peel it off everyone’s skin like that ratchet paint job on the outside of the ALDC building.

Which, if we weren’t so pressed for time and space this week, would open up a whole other ironic discussion on how Abby managed to criss cross the country on Lifetime’s dime rescuing every podunk studio in America but couldn’t find one painter on Craig’s List to fix up her own damn house.  Really?

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I’m being serious.  If that little pip squeak Sarah Hunt eats one flake of lead paint I’m calling Child Services and shutting this entire production down.

This week it was back to just the Original Recipe Moms and Daughters, minus the Hyland contingent, of course (…Holla back, gurlz.  We miss you!…) which made it much easier to keep everyone’s names straight once the drama really kicked into gear.

Because let’s be honest…after four seasons half the viewers probably still don’t know which Christi/Christ-y/Kristie is which until they start yelling at each other.

The Pyramid started out positively enough with a quick celebration of last week’s winning (…yet questionably maybe racist or maybe not depending on your chat room preferences…) Native American group routine.

Nia had proven that 2014 is still clearly the International Year of the Nia by killing the lead dancer spot in her big Village People headdress.  Even Abby gave her props, which made her get all smiley and do that shoulder thing she does when she gets all smiley.

And then Melissa and my MomCrush Jill did a quick palm-of-your-hand-on-your-mouth Indian Scalp ‘Um White Man Tomahawk Dance in the background that somebody probably should have pixelated out before Tuesday night, given all the recent controversy on ESPN.

Live and learn, I guess.  But since Jill only goes to football games so she can wear bulky sweaters and watch her daughter do cheerleading tumbles, I’m pretty sure that neither of them have even heard of the Washington Redskins.

And can we just pause here to properly acknowledge that the Jill Vertes Fashion Watch was totally on-point this week?

Because it was.  Dang, Miss V.

Bottom of the Pyramid was reserved seating for Kendall, Chloe and MackZ.  Nothing new to report there, except that having only five dancers on the clock clearly made it difficult for Abby to create an actual working Pyramid since Nia and Maddie ended up side by side above the other three girls.

mdSo naturally, I got all excited thinking that there was some kind of tie for the Top Spot, which there wasn’t, of course.  Maddie was on top again, even though she was really just to the left of Nia by about two inches.

Geometry and Dance were never my favorite subjects in school.  Let’s just leave it at that.

This week the Old Team would be headed to Wayne, NJ for another performance at the Sheer Talent Competition.  Just like the Candy Apples.

Yeah.  Those Candy Apples.  Here we go again.

Abby had some inside scoop (…those producers just can’t keep their mouths shut any more, can they?…) that Cathy would be bringing back Gino Cosculluela for a solo.

You remember Gino.  He’s that kid with the TV News Anchor forehead who gave Maddie her first BoyKiss during a duet a few weeks ago.  The duet that ended up sending her running from the studio in search of two tins of Altoids and a year of psychotherapy.

That duet.

I swear Gino and his Dad Mickey must live in their car, because all they do is zip back and forth between Ohio and Pittsburgh.  Can’t you just picture the trunk of their Mazda all full of school books and hair gel?

To compete against Gino and prove that he totally kisses like a little boy wearing braces, Maddie scored a ‘Fool Me Once’ solo.  Except that she might not even be around for the competition by the weekend, due to some mystery Miami Project that may or may not actually happen.

Or even exist.

It was a little vague.  But just to be safe, Abby pegged Chloe and Kendall as Maddie’s understudies.  That way, should Miss America no longer be able to fulfill her duties, some one else could step in and take over the role for the remainder of her reign.  Or something like that.

Side note:  Melissa made this face a lot this week…

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The group routine was entitled Playing With Matches.  Pretty self explanatory, even though Abby felt the need to point out that the girls would not actually be torching any buildings in New Jersey since that state already has enough problems.

We get it.  Mess with Abby, you get burned.

As the girls started flicking their Bics in the studio, the Moms hit the MomPerch and quickly realized that Abby was crossing the line when it came to comparing all the girls to Maddie.  Enough already.

Maddie this.  Maddie that.  Maddie this.  Maddie that.  Why can’t any of you be like Maddie?  You’re not as good as Maddie.  Maddie is better than you.  Way better than you, actually.  Like Infinity & Beyond better.  That much better.  Which is a lot.

Holly was getting agitated.  Jill pointed out that the girls were looking defeated.  And Christi kept eating what appeared to be a box of those Goobers you get at the movies.  At least that’s what they looked like to me.  Girlfriend definitely had the munchies.

Everyone agreed that they should start keeping track of how many times Abby compared their child to Maddie, because that shizz just ain’t rite.  The Moms were at maximum capacity when it came to all this MaddieTalk.  Over.  It.

(Except maybe Melissa, of course.  Who I always feel bad for when this kind of thing starts happening.  She gets all squinty like there’s dust under her contact lens.  We love her.)

And then Holly started using Big Words.

Holly:  “We need a Quantitative Analysis.”

Christi:  “You mean, like a chart?”

Thank you for dumbing it down for the rest of us, honey.  Not everyone can afford Harvard.

Apparently there’s an App for That, because Christi immediately whipped out her iPhone and started tracking how many times Abby said the word ‘Maddie.’  So basically, what you’re telling me is that Apple can help you chart how many times your child is humiliated on national television but can’t get my f***ing mail down from the Cloud.  Nice.

am

The next day, it got even better.

Jill showed up with one of those gigantic white boards that you always see in the deli when cheese goes on sale.  The kind of board that only comes clean with that special spray from Staples that smells like nail polish remover?  Do you know what I’m talking about?  No?

Have you ever accidentally pushed the wrong buttons on your remote and ended up on that cable public access channel where the guy is doing math in non-HD?

One…who watches that?  And two…he uses the same white board.

(Weekly Kamryn Beck-ism:  I bet she uses one in her bedroom when she’s calculating something that us normal, non-glitter headband wearing types will never understand.  Where has she been lately, anyway? #BringBackTheKiaKamster.)

The next 90 minutes or so were taken up with Abby yelling and screaming at everyone in the studio (…except Maddie, duh…) while Jill stood up in the Perch ticking off hash marks like she was counting down the days until her parole hearing.

It kind of looked like a cattle auctioneer and the final round of Wheel of Fortune and that lady score keeper from the Summer Olympics who couldn’t speak English all rolled into one.  I forget if I already knew that Jill was left handed or not, but it certainly explained all the bling on the right one every week.

There was also some drama with Abby and Gia trying to figure out what that white board was all about, even though all I really wanted to know was why Jill carries around a tripod easel and dry erase markers in her SUV.  Who does that?

If you watch South Park then you also got a pretty good chuckle when Abby said “Respect My Authority!”  My Authoritaaaaah!  

Hilarious.  But I guess if you don’t know who Cartman is then I just wasted your time.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And Meltdown Time!

But first…

That little 12 year old bride having a complete spaz when the ALDC bus pulled into town.

That one right there.

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What the what with that kid?  Did she just get left at the playground altar or something?  Please tell me you saw that.  Buying the complete Season Four box set at full price is gonna be worth that 5 seconds of your life.  I promise.

(Spoiler Alert:  12 year old bride.  Hold that thought.)

As Abby and Company filed into the high school venue, Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein had somehow commandeered the front office and was squawking over the P.A. system like today was Fish Stick Day.

(Monday morning when the janitor opens the supply closet looking for those little urinal cakes, you know the principal is gonna fall out on the floor all terrorized with an apple duct taped in his mouth.  You just know it.)

Back in the makeup room, Jill wanted to know why all three girls couldn’t do the same solo in the competition.

Did I forget to say that Maddie didn’t go to Miami and was there with the ALDC?  My bad.

They also brought the deli board with them.  Because why not?

Flashback:  Even though Abby had previously put two girls into a competition doing the exact same routine before, somehow the rules were different in Jersey.  So it wasn’t gonna happen.  No other solos besides Maddie’s.  And no trio with a bunch of Maddie wannabe understudies bumping into each other and bringing down the scores.

And then Gino danced in his underwear.   I swear.

I think Gino is da bomb.  And a total playa just like Lady Killer Lucas Triana.  But I’m not putting Gino’s photo in this recap or I’ll end up on some government Offender Watch List somewhere.  Uncomfortable much?

Let’s just say that Cathy certainly saved money by cheaping out on costumes this week.

He rocked his solo, though.  And gave me some great moves to use the next time I BathroomDance in my tighties.

If I did that kind of thing, I mean.  Please.  I’m focused in the morning.m

Maddie was up next with her I Kissed A Boy And Hated It two step.  Abby couldn’t find anything wrong with the dance and Jill had to switch to a new dry erase marker because the old one ran out of ink.

And then it all went downtown.

Holly tried to explain to Abby what the board represented (…an ‘Observable’ for all you scientific MIT types…) but Abby wasn’t buying what Dr. Beyoncé was selling.

I can’t really even do it justice, but basically Holly stood loud and proud for all the other girls, past and present, that Abby continually beat down with her Maddie Mallet.

And it got real.

The ticks on the board represented disrespect.  And it was a big a** board, BTW.

Disrespect!  For Nia.  For Kendall.  For Chloe.  Even for MackZ, yo.

And then suddenly Abby announced some big Maya Angelou (…in an afro wig, no doubt…) extravaganza for Nia next week that nobody had even heard of up until this moment, but was now being benched because Holly had just confronted her in front of the other Moms like a Boss.

Nobody would know Nia if it weren’t for Abby Lee Miller.  You’re a grown woman taking it out on a kid.  You’re a baby.  Where’s the baby?  There’s a baby!  Got your nose.

Nia’s 12.  She’s not a kid.

She can have babies and get married in some countries.

Stop.  Stahhhp.

What.  Just.  Happened?

Melissa’s dirty contact literally popped right out of her head as Holly stormed out the door.  You’re ugly.  What you say is ugly.  And you just crossed the line.

Truth.

I don’t know where the Moms actually go when they storm out of a room.  They never take their purse or bus ticket, so I know they’re not getting very far.  But all the other Moms ran after Holly to make sure she was ok and didn’t assault that camera guy who was all up in her face like it was some Jersey Housewives Reunion.

Dude.  Back it up a few.  Mama is not in the mood.hf

Even Melissa tore down the hall, because at the end of the day, Friendship and Support is how they all roll even when they’re losing their nutty on each other.

(In case anyone cares, I also got up off the couch, put on my big hat and testified to Holly for Keeping It Real and saying what all the other Moms have been feeling for so long.)

Eventually everyone made it back into the auditorium to watch the Candy Apples bust out their group dance tribute to The Fault In Our Stars.  Cathy even gave the little girl one of those oxygen nose plug things like in the movie, but thankfully decided against the kids all dragging IV bags around the stage.  Probably a safety issue.

Not gonna lie, though.  The ALDC Moms could probably have used some of that purified oxygen by the time they found out that Abby pulled the group routine from the competition.

Because that’s what she did, just as they were about ready to hit the stage in their Li’l Abner acid wash denim overalls.

Side note:  Overalls are never an option.  Ever.  I would have cut the number just for the Farmer Pants.

Needless to say, backstage was not much fun after that move.

Holly and Abby went a few more rounds but Abby wasn’t even listening.  It was Her Way, or No Way.

It got heated.

How much is too much when it comes to taking somebody’s crap?  Melissa was obviously caught in the middle.  Jill and Christi sat in the choir getting all like MmmHmm while Holly ground her back teeth into chalk dust.

Aretha even stuck her head in the door and said R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  The Queen of Soul.

And then it was Abby’s turn to storm out of the room with one last zinger, leaving Holly and the other Moms to decide if this was even the right place for them anymore.

Holly:  “Get Some Class.”

Me:  “This is probably why they say never poke a bear cub while the Mom is standing right there in front of you spitting Big Words and dripping foam from her mouth.”  

And then I did my celebratory HollyDance.

Which is way different than my BathroomDance, FYI.

Oh, yeah.

Don’tchoo be touching the babies.

Not while Mama’s in the house.

Tick.  Tick.

And Boom.

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