Posts Tagged ‘sia Chandelier’

Dance Moms: It’s The Wild Wild West Coast, Part One. Turn Up The Track…MattyB Is In The ALDC Hizzle, Yo!

Wednesday, February 18th, 2015




So proud of you for getting the lead role, Baby. I just thought Justin Bieber would be taller in person.






I’m super excited for the Lucy & Ethel duet. Ethel Merman has always been one of my idols!






If I’m sweeping for this whole video, I swear I’m gonna go completely LaQuifa on somebody’s a**.







One. Billion. Views.







No, really. Are you just gonna sit there all day or you gonna get up and get me my milkshake, lady?







My life, tho.








These chicks be straight crazy, yo.





Lights.  Camera.  Action.

Take One.  Take Two.  Take ’em all, if you want.  You can have ’em.

And while you’re at it, maybe you could send over that tiny waitress with some scrambled eggs and a side of hash browns, cuz all this Hollywood stuff is making me hungry.

Can you believe it?  It’s already the final seven days of the 2015 Los Angeles Road Trip for our Dance Moms crew.  Seems like Abby Lee Miller & Co. just arrived in California and now they’re already packing up their hair bows and plastic jewelry for the return trip home.  Time really flies when you’re singing and dancing and screaming and crying.

But don’t you worry.  There was still so much West Coast Mama Drama left to squeeze in that they had to make it a two-parter this week.  The trip that never ended.

And speaking of this whole trip.  I thought the whole point of this thing was to uproot everyone and open a shiny new studio (…“ALDC LA is happening, kids”…) and never look back at Pittsburgh, PA again.  Wasn’t that what Abby kept holding over everyone’s head all last season?  Or did I just make that part up in my head?

And was it just me, or did this whole thing kinda feel like that time when the Brady Bunch went to Hawaii?  (…For today’s performance, the role of Alice will be played by Gianna Martello…) When you saw the same people you already know, but they were all wearing different clothes and being filmed outside in the wind a lot?m

Like when you knew that Greg was probably not going to die the night that gigantic tarantula crawled onto his bed and yet the whole thing still felt a little off and secretly you couldn’t wait for them all to fly back home to Pittsburgh and just dance and have a normal meal of pork chops and apple sauce for a change.

That sentence didn’t even make sense.

But that’s probably why Holly stated more than once that the LA trip was not what she expected.  And Dr. Beyoncé always speaks the truth.  Because she is awesome sauce.

Which is even better than apple sauce.  Way better.

And thinking of Holly just made me think of Nia.  Can we discuss Nia’s hair this week?

On.  Point.  Sasha.  On.  Point.

It was definitely their last week in LA. and probably the earliest that I’ve ever gotten completely off track in a recap.  So let’s get to the Pyramid of Shame and keep this thing moving, because it’s gonna be a long one.

Maddie was MIA again as the Pyramid began.  This week she was off at Disneyland somewhere filming an episode of Austin & Ally, which I guess must be a show about two people named Austin and Ally.  I can’t watch everything out there, people.

To fill the Ziegler Void, Abby announced that she would be bringing in two additional dancers who just happened to be standing on the other side of the studio doors at that very moment.  And then right on cue, in walked former ALDC Junior Elite/Select/I Forget Which One dancer Sarah Reasons and her Mom Tracey.  


Insert disgusted Kira Girard Face here: _________________.

Reverse Spoiler Alert:  Not sure why Kira acted so surprised to see her arch nemesis Tracey in the building since Tracey was freakin’ sitting behind them at last week’s competition.  For realz.  Right there, behind Abby’s big ol’ bouffant.

Busted.  These Lifetime post-production editors need to either start blurring out the faces of these surprise cameo guest stars or stop filming them looking over Abby’s shoulder through an entire Sheer Talent extravaganza.  Tracey’s nosey, BTW.

Last season, Sarah was known as Sarah R. to avoid any potential confusion with other similarly named, less emotionally stable dancers, but now that the show has driven away most of the Sarahs and Christis of the world, she’s just plain old Sarah again.

And hot on her heels was a brand new face to the ALDC…Brynn Rumfallo and her Mom Ashlee.  Another mortal enemy from Arizona.  Brynn kinda sorta looked like a slightly bigger version of the other not-Sarah R. and Ashlee had hair that was darker at the bottom and underneath.  I don’t know what you call that style.  (…‘So Last Year’ maybe?…)

Ouch.  Snap.  Went there.

I don’t know who’s left at Kira’s old Arizona dance studio since they’re all in California now.

And how ’bout Nia’s hair this week?  Did we already mention that?  On.  Point.

Clearly, we’re wasting too much valuable time this week, so I’ll just skip the rest of the Pyramid to speed things up.  Except for the part where Kendall was on top.  Because that’s important.  You go, gurrrl.  Well deserved.  XOXO.

My MomCrush Jill was beyond thrilled.  And she’s my MomCrush, so there’s that.


And then JoJo cried.  And then she got kicked off the team and out of the room.  But then she pulled a quick U-turn and came bouncing right back in to apologize for crying like a little kid (…PS she is a little kid…) and for being too scared to watch an R-rated movie all by herself in a dark hotel room.

I still can’t believe Abby wanted this little squirt to watch the movie Carrie last week.  That ain’t rite.  Mom Jessalynn is already spending too much money on hair accessories and Clairol Root Touch-Up.  She doesn’t need to write another check for psychotherapy.

This week the gang was headed to Starbound National Talent Competition.  Sarah and Kalani scored a duet based on the infamous Nancy Kerrigan vs. Tonya Harding 1994 Winter Olympic ice skating fiasco.  The one where Tonya had someone bonk Nancy’s knee with a socket wrench, sending her into a crumpled mess on the floor like she had just lost the entire limb in a wood chipper.

Drama Queen much?

The other duet went to MackZ and JoJo, who were paying tribute to Lucy Ricardo and Ethel Mertz.  Not gonna lie.  Part of me hopes it’s going to be the episode where JoJo gets a giant trophy stuck on her head.

There were also two group routines to learn, but since they don’t really happen until next week we’ll just skim over those until Part Two.  The big dealio with having two dances to learn was that Abby had to bring in guest choreographer Molly Long to work with one team, while the other team (…comprised of mostly newbies…) got all of Abby’s attention.


No wonder Holly has taken matters into her own hands nowadays.  Enough, already.  Don’t screw with a Mother’s Love.

As all the various dances were rehearsed over the next few days, the Moms were running out of patience with pretty much everything that was going down around them.  This was not the plan when the Original Recipe Moms all left Pittsburgh.  Especially the part that included New Moms in the mix.

We also got a delightful flashback to a Classic Dance Moms Moment from last season when Kira flipped out on Tracey one night when all the Old and New Moms were out having cocktails.  You remember.  It was that time when the two of them ran after each other down some random hallway while Holly hoarded every wine glass on the table and Jill and Christi wore matching fur coats.

Gah, those were good times.  I miss Chloe.

With only four days to go before competition, Abby got a surprise call from Blake Morris.

On her cell.  On speakerphone.  Because that’s how it’s done in Reality TV.

Blake is the Father/Manager of “internet artist” MattyB.  Which is totally the way he introduced himself on the phone and which is also totally the way I hope my Dad will one day have to identify himself to strangers.

Who’s MattyB, you ask?  Srsly?  Clearly, you are not a 9 year old girl if you have to ask that stupid question.

Now, before anyone spams my inbox, let me preface this by stating that I am also a cute little white boy.  So it’s ok for me to point out that MattyB is the cutest, littlest, whitest boy that youtube has ever seen.  Ever.


And he raps, yo.  Granted, he does it in that new little white boy line of clothing from J.Crew, but when you’re 11 years old and have ONE BILLION social media hits under your nautical web belt you can freakin’ get gangsta in a Pokémon onesie for all I care.

This kid owns youtube right now.

He also owns a really good head of pre-teen/pre-DBag Justin Bieber hair.

(Spoiler alert:  Enjoy it while you can, cowboy.  Your Dad’s a really nice guy, but…)

Dad wanted the ALDC girls to audition for MattyB’s new music video.  OMG.

Nia got all giggly.  MackZ just ran in circles bumping into things.  Kendall professed her love for MattyB.  Even though he is slightly height challenged at the moment, once his voice changes and he has a spurt or two, she would be willing to revisit the possibility of marrying him and having 100 perfect-haired babies.

As soon as the introductory speakerphone call was over, Abby and Melissa were all like AwHellNahMackenzieAin’tDancingBackUpForNobodyCuzShe’sAlreadyAMusicStar until Holly casually mentioned the whole One Billion Thang and then all of the sudden they were pulling out headshots like they were popping Tic Tacs.

It was pre-tween chaos.

Quickly followed by a commercial for Born In The Wild where we got to see pixelated crotch shots of women having babies in the rain forest.

What the What?  Is nobody working in the Lifetime offices on Tuesday nights anymore?

I can’t.  I just can’t anymore.

(Check out Nia’s hair while we’re here…)nk

Finally, it was Music Video Audition Time!

Blake and Video Director Marshall Manning showed up at the studio to give the girls some deets on the upcoming audition process.  It’s nice they could take a break from their JCPenney catalog plaid shirt photo shoot, because that’s totally what they were doing before they arrived.

(Spoiler Alert:  Nobody in MattyB’s posse is allowed to tuck their shirt in.  It’s in the contract, I swear.  Check out every scene from now until the end credits.  If I’m lying I’m dying.)

I really liked Marshall.  He was all Hollywood and Boy Band and Joey Tribbiani from Friends in one neatly trimmed package.  There was a lot of good hair this week.

Marshall wanted the ‘essence of a child’ for this video, which I prayed was the dancing kind and not the kind that had just been delivered on a bed of wet pine needles in the back woods of Maine.

Go back and watch that commercial.  I just can’t in HD anymore.

The next day, choreographer Erik Saradpon joined the MattyB party to lead the auditions.  It was guest stars galore this week, I tell you.

There was also a third gentleman who was not allowed to speak or give his name who sat in between Marshall and Blake at the American Idol table, as well as a waiter from Vanderpump Rules wearing a sleeveless (…untucked…) lumberjack shirt and ski beanie who was in charge of the iPod.

But my all-time favorite dude (…maybe in the entire history of television so far…) had to be MattyB’s Stunt Man who stepped in to lip sync into an invisible microphone while shaking it like a Polaroid frat party picture.


I swear.

Lose the pants, take away the oversized striped hoodie t-shirt and some of the underaged girls dancing backup and that’s exactly how I look in the shower every morning.  And exactly how I didn’t want that sentence to sound when it came out of my mouth.

Side note:  From now on when the conversation gets this uncomfortable I think it’s best if I just awkwardly back out of the room and remind everyone how amazing Nia’s hair looked this week.  Because it did.

On.  Point.

The girls danced and did some vocals to secure their spots in the video.  Some could sing.  Some not so much.  JoJo was so thirsty for a part in the production that she almost tackled the fake MattyB a few times before he threw himself threw a glass window to escape like a true stunt man.

And then finally…again…it was Music Video Showtime!

And Maddie was back for some reason.  I’m pretty sure they just CGI edited her back into the final scene this week for her Sia fans, because she didn’t talk or move the whole time she was standing next to Kendall in the parking lot.

The whole theme of the video shoot was a 1950s Doo Wop diner looking thing with 1940s Andrew Sisters looking hair, because we all know what a big deal rap music was to all those crazy rebellious kids from the 1940s and 1950s.

MattyB was in the hizzle now and you could literally hear a high pitched squeal almost shatter the ozone above all 50 states every time somebody put his face on screen.


The girls were all dressed as waitresses and paired up with the cleanest looking greaser boys in MB varsity jackets I’ve ever seen.  MackZ ended up getting the lead waitress role while the rest of the girls were put into different on-camera tiers based on screen time and speed of delivering food to the tables while it was still hot.

As production began, Abby was now the one MIA so Melissa gave her a call to figure out her location and see what was taking her so long to get to the shoot.

The short version, since we’re going OT here:  Abby was having second thoughts about MackZ being in the video without any top billing, given her Mariah Carey pop star status and all.  Unfortunately, Melissa had already signed some kind of contract that gave away MackZ’s Star Status and First Born to MattyB and his Dad.

Abby quickly arrived at the diner, pulling Blake aside and asking him to speak with some attorney that she had sitting on hold regarding MackZ’s sumthin sumthin, but Blake was too busy to be bothered.  Plus, Melissa had already signed a different sumthin sumthin.

And Double Plus, MattyB has One Billion hits on social media and you don’t.

None of you do, actually.  How’s that feel right about now?

Then Abby gave Melissa the Stink Eye.  Big Time Stink Eye.

Abby was having second thoughts about the whole thing and was contemplating yanking all the girls out of the video, which would basically shut down the production.  Except that it was almost completed already.  And MattyB had already tweeted out the finished project to his bazillion groupies during the episode.

And it’s already up to 900,000 plus views on youtube.

Again.  Editing, people.

But Nia’s hair was amazeballs and Holly isn’t taking any more crap this season.

I guess next week we’ll see how it all works out in Part Two.

Are you ready, JoJo?


Dance Moms: I’ll Star In My Own Life If You Get Outta My Face. Miss Nia Hits The Recording Studio And Risks It All.

Wednesday, February 11th, 2015




I swear Kanye stole my iPhone at the Grammys. I can’t find that damn thing anywhere. Not cool.






Time for my anti-lice headgear, cuz you know Mama’s gotta protect her investment.






So you want ME to give the bad news again? Getting sick of this Good Cop Bad Cop s***, lady.






All I know is that my hair’s on fleek and when I close my eyes my baby girl sounds like Whitney.





Your mother wears tight clothes every day and you don’t see her crying, do you? Suck it up.






Oh, that’s hilarious. But Tim Gunn calls it a “Tailored Fit,” thank you very much. Look it up.






It’s not your usual color, but it’ll still cover up those nasty roots. Close your mouth, honey.





Entertainment Capital of the World.

Home to radio, TV, music and filmmaking.  Where stars are made.  And careers are born.

Where you’re only one audition away from your dreams and barely five miles up N. Santa Monica Blvd. from where The Beverly Hillbillies used to live.

Hollywood.  Panoramic penthouses and celebrity mansions.

And now temporary housing for the Dance Moms.  ALDC LA, baby.

After months and months (…and months…) of threatening to do it, Abby Lee Miller finally packed up all the over-sized hot rollers and Mama Drama she could fit in a steamer trunk and headed to the West Coast in search of new opportunities for her Pittsburgh Posse.

Since I pretty much neglected their actual arrival, here’s a capsulized version of what you missed when the ALDC landed in California last week…in case you need to clear out 60 minutes on your DVR for that new Gotham show, which I highly recommend:

Upon arriving, Abby was immediately intimidated by the high calibre of dancers in Hollywood.  She found studio space for the girls and then had a run in with choreographer Erin Babbs, who likes to wear the same slouchy beanies that those DBag waiters on Vanderpump Rules always wear.  Abby no-showed a lot, choosing instead to spend her time having emotional breakdowns inside her Enterprise rental while snacking on Sour Patch Kids and Burger King value meals.

My MomCrush Jill got herself a new, soft pink turtleneck that I especially enjoyed.k

We love Mrs. Vertes.

Abby set up a casting call for all the girls with John Barba, who was wearing one of those Newsies caps that the Broadway Boys throw up in the air at the end of every dance number.  My girl Nia rocked her audition, but Abby tried to sabotage it, which resulted in Holly deciding that from now on she would take charge of her own baby’s career.  Move it and shake it, Dr. Beyoncé.  Move it.  And shake it.  And then call Aubrey O’Day.

Because I’m not jealous at all that Holly has Aubrey in her contacts list.

As Season Five Abby continued her mental implosion, Season One Abby magically returned in her place, complete with puffy, makeup-free cheeks and that hair she used to have before Lifetime hooked her up with a stylist.  Just.  Whoa.

Abby also claimed to have spent one entire sleepless night working on a Homeless Girl costume for Maddie, though the same results could have been achieved by just snagging two towels on a washing machine agitator.  Really?  ALL night?

She also screamed a lot about parking spaces and how the Moms were really pushing her buttons, before throwing a totally yummy looking fruit basket on the floor.

And Gianna got ombré highlights.

Now you’re caught up.

As this week’s episode began, Abby had made the decision to move the girls to a different rehearsal space.  One that was apparently less intimidating and clearly much cheaper by the hour.  Did you see that thing?


I swear.  With all the money that this Dance Moms cash cow brings in, I will never understand why they still insist on hiding whatever it is they are always hiding behind wrinkly bolts of fabric and CVS poster paper.  Hang a confederate flag on the ceiling and that place would look exactly like a Freshman dorm.  Or one of those restaurants with gigantic laminated menus that always hang old photos and horseshoes on the wall.

This week the gang was headed to another Sheer Talent competition, because clearly they offer this event in every state as well as Puerto Rico and the District of Columbia.

Before assignments and arguments were handed out, there was a short Pyramid of Shame which Abby tore through at such warp speed that it would literally take me longer to type the details than it took to present.  Basically, JoJo’s headshot got ripped off and stuck on the other side of the room because she’s not actually a legitimate member of the team yet and Maddie was on top.

“There you go.”

Side note:  Jessalyn‘s printed pants.  Just staaaahhhp.  My retina’s are burning.

Kendall and JoJo snagged solos.  Since Honey Bow Bow Child is not even a legally licensed member of the ALDC and yet somehow still scored another dance number, I guess that means you can all look forward to me doing my signature tap routine at some point later on this season.

Seriously.  I have no idea how these rules work anymore.

And then Holly and Abby went another round.  Lawd.  Testify, Mrs. Frazier.

Memo to self:  Never stick it to Baby Cub Nia when Mama Bear Holly is in the cave.


Deep down under all the noise, the moral of the Dance Moms story is still all about Moms loving their kids and only wanting the best for them.  It may get buried under a lot of screeching and VH1 finger pointing sometimes, but there’s no denying a Mother’s Love.

And there’s only so much anyone can take before they lose their noodle.  Even if you have a PhD.  It’s called The Breaking Point.

Somewhere in here Abby also called Aubrey O’Day, because apparently I’m the only one who doesn’t have her on speed dial.

Holly took off (…again looking pretty fly in her new Gap dark denim jacket, BTW…) and then Abby attempted a dramatic exit of her own, which kinda sputtered and then burned out before takeoff when she slowly walked sideways down the stairs like you do when your hip hurts in the rain and your bunions are flaring up.

Side note:  Someone online stole my “The Struggle Is Real” joke when she took the stairs, so I got nothing right now.

The next day, with only 48 hours to go before the competition, Holly and Nia were nowhere to be found.  Abby stuck JoJo into the ‘Collateral Damage’ Last Child Standing Survivalist group routine to replace Nia, which would explain why JoJo finally had a matching blue outfit like the rest of the girls.

(How may hair bows does this kid pack for a trip, anyway?)

Across town, we found the MIA Team Nia.  Holly and Sasha were at the Boom Boom Room recording studio, meeting up with Aubrey O’Day.  It was Nia’s day to record her new single “Star In Your Own Life!”  (Available soon on iTunes.)  Check out her Nia Nation App in the meantime.

I know, right?  Do you have your own app?  I don’t think so.

NIA:  Just make sure you Google it correctly or you get the National Institute on Aging.


It was nice to see Aubrey O’Day not crying like she did every time Clay Aiken went all Drama Queen on her during Celebrity Apprentice.  It was also nice to meet R8DIO, the music producer, who not only knows his shizzz but made me really want a hip hop name now.  How kool wood dat bee?

One.  Of all the bazillions of HollyFaces out there, ProudMama Face is a close second to the infamous WhatchooTalkinBoutWillis? Face when it comes to picking my favorite.

Mama was beyond proud of her baby.  To Infinity & Beyond proud.

Two.  My girl has pipes!  Nia can saaaang, yo!

Back at 3rd Street Dance, Kendall and Jojo were fine tuning their solos.  KK’s routine was a Bollywood themed number, while JoJo BowBow was trying to channel Stephen King‘s horror movie Carrie.

For realz.  The one about the bloody Prom Queen, causing chaos wherever she goes.  I see what you did there, Abby.  Subtle.

Unfortunatley, JoJo was having trouble getting into the character, so Abby insisted that she go home and watch the movie.

Wait.  What?  Isn’t that an R rated movie?  And isn’t she like 5 years old or something?

Luckily, before the Motion Picture Association of America and Child Services could be notified, time ran out on the studio rental meter and Abby had to scoot everyone out of the room.  Hopefully JoJo went home to watch Nickelodeon and not witness a bucket of pig’s blood being dumped on someone, since the that little nugget is already teetering on the brink of insanity.

We heart JoJo.  But she’s krazee.


With one day left before Sheer Talent, Nia was back in the studio getting cheers and huggies from all her BFFs.  Holly had chillaxed a little and knew where Nia belonged.  She loves to dance and loves her friends and Holly was willing to bite her tongue for a few minutes to let Nia have her moment.  Doesn’t mean she was backing down.  At all.

And then JoJo got head lice.

Not even lying.  Her Mom uses more bleach on that kid’s head than I use on my entire bathtub and she still got head lice.

Jessalynn called from wherever she was to tell Kira that JoJo was at some secret location being treated for lice.  Not sure what that really means since you can just go to Walgreen’s and then wash your hair.

But whatever.

While JoJo was being de-wormed, Gianna was in the other room getting a call from Abby, who was (…one mo’ time…) not even in the building.  Abby made Gia the Heavy once again and told her to cut Nia from the group routine because she had not taken the opportunity to properly ‘Absolve Her Sins.’

Or maybe it was the Pope on the phone.  I don’t know anyone else who talks like that.

To give us a quick breather from the religious overtones, the Moms all hit an outdoor cafe for some vino and diet coke.  Even Jessalynn showed up (…allegedly uninvited or not?…) and thought she was in France.

She also thinks she’s a natural blonde, so there’s that, too.

Holly flipped her nutty again when Jessalynn started acting all Jessalynn and you know how that story always ends.

Finally, it was Showtime!


Nia showed up like a true pro to support her friends, even though she really wished she could dance in the group number.  The rest of the ALDC team showed up in their new hooched up red dresses with some kind of studded thingamabobs on the shoulders.  I guess the days of arriving in your sweatpants are long gone.

Even the Louis bags were back!  It’s Hollywood, baby.

The only thing that didn’t show up at the auditorium was JoJo’s head lice.  That was miraculously cured overnight.  No worries though, because if the shampoo hadn’t done its job, the bottle of fake blood that Abby poured all over her Prom Queen head would have surely stopped those little buggers from multiplying.

Side note:  You would have sworn everyone in the backroom had lice now the way they were stressing out.  This was not a very relaxing pre-game locker room scene.

Kendall cried because her Bollywood costume was too tight.  JoJo got fake blood in her eyes.  Nia wanted to dance.  Holly was grinding her teeth.  Abby tried to buy back some of Nia’s love by tossing her a gift shop t-shirt.

Anyone else notice how often Maddie chews her nails?  Put some hot sauce on those things or something.  That’s a bad habit, sweetie.

Kendall’s solo went really well.  At least until the music stopped.  But she sang the song in her head while everyone in the audience clapped along and she made it through to the end like a true professional, even though the routine seemed a little more BoLyrical than Bollywood if you ask me.  But again, I’m only going on what I remember from So You Think You Can Dance, so I might be a little foggy.

JoJo’s bloody mess of a dance reminded me of the time I almost OD’d on one of those chocolate waterfall fountains at a wedding reception.  Twitching on the floor, tongue hanging out, goop smeared all over my face.  Best.  Day.  Ever.

She never watched the movie, so she didn’t take the audience on an emotional roller coaster.  Or kill her mother.  Which I guess is a good thing.

jessThe group number looked great.  At least from what I could see on the MaddieCam.  Was it just me or did they show way more Maddie than anyone else?  I guess if you dance with Sia and go to the Grammys while the rest of us are home tweeting about the nasty bathrobe dress that Kim Kardashian wore you deserver your own GoPro video.

Bonus Points:  Given to Nia for shutting down JoJo when she asked her if Nia was sad that she couldn’t dance with the group.

Newsflash:  I’m on the Team.  You’re not.  And you can’t sit with us at lunch.


When it was all over, JoJo only pulled Fifth Place.  Kendall’s silent mime dance nailed her Second Place.  And the group came in First.  Finally.

Backstage the Moms participated in one final round of discussions on how Nia should have been in the group dance.  Holly proudly stated that her daughter learned some valuable lessons this week.  Neither she nor her Mom are going to be vulnerable anymore.  Obviously she would prefer the support of all the other mothers, but if she isn’t going to get it…no worries.

Step right up and enjoy the Nia Show, people.

FYI:  You might wanna buy your tickets early, cuz it’s gonna sell out.

(PS…I’m starting an online petition to have the producers give Mackenzie at least one line in every episode.  That poor little peanut has just been phoning it in lately.)

The ALDC team is broken.  Or at least cracked a little bit.

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what California has in store next time.

Ciao, baby.  Love you.  Mean it.

Hollywood Kisses.


Dance Moms: Sorry, No Funny Title This Week. Abby-phobia Has Hit The ALDC. No Theme. No Music. No Clue.

Wednesday, August 20th, 2014




She better pull a group dance outta her butt soon or I’ll be late for hosting Meet The Press.






No, seriously. How many studios does she own? And does she know she’s wearing two bras?






Oh I know this new Senator’s wife is not gon’ come in here trying to steal my look. I called Red.



h 2



I know, right? All side swept. Don’t tell the girls, but I just overslept and didn’t have time to curl the other side.






Seriously? Again? Imma ’bout to get all Sia on this new chick and wrap her head in that curtain.






There was a giant bug and it went in my ear and then my brain. Now we need a Girl Party and some Raid, asap!






I swear that perfume Jill keeps regifting is burning my eyes. I’m going blind back here, lady. F’realz.




With apologies to John Lennon.

Imagine there’s no drama.

It’s easy if you try.  Unless it’s Dance Moms.

Then all bets are off.

Or something.  I’m still working on that last line.  But you get the point.

There was a new Competition Sheriff in town this week and it had everyone on the edge of their saloon chairs.  The Imagine Dance Challenge in Woodbridge, VA would bring the ALDC face to face with one of their toughest rivals in the circuit and it was clear as soon as the credits stopped rolling that Abby Lee Miller was already off her game a little.

Starting with the Pyramid of Shame, of course.  Which, if you squinted a little bit, actually kinda sorta looked almost triangular this time around.

Clearly, it’s tough to create a legitimately pyramidal (…is that even a word?…) composition with only five glossy head shots, because Abby’s been struggling the last few episodes.

This week began with Abby’s favorite game:  Name That New Girl.

Jade Cloud was in the hizzle, replacing nervous little Sarah Hunt who had been booted off the Team last week when her Holy Roller ‘I Think The Garbage Needs To Be Taken Out’ Mom Christ-y finally pushed Abby’s last button.

You remember all that hilarity, right?  Christ-y definitely needed some time to chillax, which would also give that tiny niblet Sarah a chance to replenish some of the fluids she lost by crying non-stop through two entire episodes.  Poor little peanut.


Besides having a name that sounds like she was one of the Jem and The Hologram girls, Jade also has a mother who looks like her face should be on the butt end of a car.

Whoa.  That didn’t come out the way it was intended in my head.  That sounded kind of rude when I proofread it a second time.

What I meant to say was that Mom Loree looks like her face should be on one of those shiny political ‘Vote for my Husband for City Council’ bumper stickers, because she totally looks like one of those Washington Ladies you see on CNN who host those Washington Lady Lunches where Michelle Obama and Oprah tell everyone that America’s children don’t eat enough broccoli.

Because she does.  Look at that Washington hair.  I bet it doesn’t even move in the wind.  I’m totally voting for her husband in 2016 and I don’t even know what he stands for yet.

Since Maddie is currently MTV‘s It Girl and could be pulled away at any moment to star in the next Sia video or fly to the Moon on that plane Justin Bieber wants to buy, Abby was still looking for someone to play the role of Dance Princess #1, should Maddie no longer be able to fulfill her duties.

Enter Jade.  Just like little Sarah did.  And Kalani Hillicker did before her.  And Kamryn Beck did, until she had to go on hiatus to speak at the Neurophysics Symposium in Geneva, Switzerland.  Because that’s totally why the Kia Kamster wasn’t there this week.

(Autographed copies of Kamryn’s book “How To Over Achieve And Still Rock A Glitter Headband” will be available in the lobby, BTW.  Credit cards only, please.)

Bottom of the Pyramid:  Chloe and Nia.  So wrong.

The middle tier:  Completely hogged by the Ziegler Gurlz.  MackZ and MaddieZ.  MackZ needed to stand up straighter because Abby had a lot invested in her budding youtube career.  And MaddieZ went on the Ellen Show, so yeah to that.


And there was Kendall at the top!  She killed it last week with her Phantom of the Opera face dance and my MomCrush Jill couldn’t have been any happier.  I was hoping Jill might have been so euphoric that she’d bust out a little spontanious celebratory Gangnam Style, but that didn’t happen.

This week’s competition was a new one, so Abby was nervous.  Especially since the girls would be coming up against studio bleu…one of their toughest rivals.

studio bleu is a pretty big dealio in Virginia.  They spell their website name all in lower case letters with the ‘E’ and the ‘U’ reversed just like a day spa, so you know they mean business.  Unfortunately, all that fanciness totally freaks out my Macbook’s auto correct, so if there are a couple of Studio Blues in here instead of studio bleus…blame Apple.

Jade and Chloe both scored solos.  Christi did some quick math and figured out that…once again…Chloe was going up against the New Girl like it was some kind of sadistic weekly freshmen hazing ritual.

Mom wasn’t happy.  And neither was Daughter.  I don’t remember the last time I saw either of them actually smile, which makes me sad.

Up until about 30 seconds into the Pyramid, Abby’s original plan was to go up against studio bleu (…that just looks wrong.  My high school grammar teacher would be horrified right now…) with some amazing, yet unseen group routine.

But now, after rethinking the group’s chances against studio bleu, Abby decided to shelve the number until Nationals.  Which meant that there was no group routine to rehearse.

None.  Nada.  Zero.  Zip.

As the Moms headed up to the MomPerch, the girls stood around looking at themselves in the mirrors waiting for some direction.  It was clear that Abby had no idea what to do next.


It was also pretty clear that Holly is a side sleeper, because all her sassy new hair was mashed up on one side during her first interview sniglet.  Or, wishful thinking, maybe my long-term goal of getting Dr. Beyoncé to unleash her Inner Hip Hop Majorette with the Bring It! girls was finally working out in my favor.

Boom.  Bam.  Pow.  DB4L!  (See what I did there?)

Dang, Gurl.  Getting your money’s worth at the salon this week.

As the Moms sat upstairs trying to figure out how many bras Loree could comfortably wear at one time (…see photo evidence Exhibit A above…) Abby finally figured out what to do with the hot mess she had made of the group routine.

Phobias: What freaks you out?

Maddie: Being Alone.  Chloe: Public Speaking.  MackZ: Bugs And Auto-tune.  Kendall: Crowds.  Nia: Needles.  (..Girrrl…I hear dat...)  Jade: Heights.

Then they did a quick improv based on their individual phobias, except for MackZ who saw an invisible bug and ran out of the room and then ran back into the room and then saw another invisible bug and then ran all the way upstairs when everyone started laughing at her for doing so much unnecessary physical activity.

If MackZ is going to stay MackZ and not revert back to Mackenzie Boo Boo Child she’s gonna need to grow a pair.  And stat.  Even Mom Melissa said so.

Clearly, Melissa was already agitated before MackZ showed up (…see photo evidence Exhibit B above…) due to the fact that Loree was shamelessly stealing her look.  Bitch.

When Abby tried to calm MackZ down by saying “You don’t think people laugh at me?” my ego momentarily took over and I was all like ‘OMG she totally reads my blog!’ until I realized that she was probably referring to all of Kelly Hyland‘s tweets.


I miss Brooke and Paige.

With two days to go before Virginia, Jade got to working on her Miss Saigon dance while Chloe fine tuned her dark ‘They Don’t Want My Kind Around Here’ solo.  Not that Abby noticed, of course, because she was too busy phutzing with Jade’s spandex.

It also didn’t go unnoticed that when Abby had insisted on putting my girl Nia in an afro wig a few years ago Holly blew the Nutty Heard Round The World, but when Jade was handed a Geisha fan all Loree said was ‘She looks the part.’

Wait.  What?

Afro wig or not, it’s still The International Year of The Nia.  So there.

Because of all the drama surrounding the Attack of the Invisible Bugs, MackZ got herself benched from the group dance (…literally.  There’s literally a BENCH you have to go sit on when you’re benched at the ALDC…) which now bumped the remaining girls up into the Teen Category.  A higher age group with bigger, stronger girls.

Which is never good.  Loree said so.  You never bump a group UP.  Always DOWN.  She also said “Vote for my Husband for City Council” about a million times.

We get it, honey.  We saw your car in the parking lot.

Totally unrelated, Holly had sunglasses on her head.  Just needed to point that out because accessories always make the outfit.


Finally, it was Showtime!  And crazy crowd hysteria when the ALDC pulled up to the curb.

Oddly, the studio bleu girls were waiting for them outside like they were all going to link arms and not allow them access to the building.  Not really sure what that was all about.

Inside, Abby could barely look the Moms in the eyes as they tried to figure out a way to drop the ALDC team back down to Pre-Teen or TweenyBop or Junior or whatever they call the lower category.

By (…literally…) benching MackZ, Abby had messed up the average age (…who knew there was so much arithmetic involved in competitive dance?…) and now the team was stuck going up against girls twice their age.  And size.

As she flipped through the show’s program book (…that either had some local advertising or pornography on the back cover because it was all blurred out…) Abby made some lame excuse about needing to do online banking instead of figuring out what to do with MackZ.  None of which made any sense, because…One: You need a computer for online banking, not a dance program…and Two: It just didn’t make any sense.

Loree’s last minute attempt to convince Abby to allow the bug-infested MackZ back in the routine (…which would totally screw with the Time/Space/Age/Math Continuum enough to bump the ALDC back down a notch…) failed miserably and the team was stuck in the higher category.  Holly thought it might work, since Abby respects Lorre as a dance studio owner.  Apparently, Loree owns almost as many studios as she does undergarments.

Side note: Loree also stole Melissa’s look again at the competition.  That’s twice in one week.  This s*** is going down in some back alley before Nationals, you know dat.  Don’t act surprised when it happens, because I’m telling you ahead of time.

Side note #2:  I swear Christi was wearing one of Loree’s bras in one of her interview sniglets.  Did you see that tiny barely spaghetti strappy looking teal thing?


Whoa, Mama.  There’s kids in the room.

Jade’s solo was amazing.  That girl can contort.  But Mom was concerned because acro is not her thang.  And judges either love it or hate it.

Chloe did great.  She always does great at performance time when it’s time to get it done.  She just needed to relax a little more.

Backstage as the girls ran through the group routine one last time, Chloe somehow got into Maddie’s orbit, or personal space, or whatever dancers call it and Abby flipped her lid.

It was clearly an accident and didn’t require paramedics or any stitches, so I don’t really see what the big deal was all about.  But you know how Abby gets when someone goes near her prized porcelain Maddie collection in the china closet.

And how about that studio bleu Director?  You tell me she wasn’t a perfectly replicated DNA splice of Walmart Dance Mom Leslie Ackerman and that loud Christ-y Church Lady from last week?  Seriously.  Go back and look.

OMG.  Twinsies, right?

The group routines were both da bomb, even though studio bleu looked like they could babysit the ALDC girls if all the Moms wanted a night off.  No joke.

From the perspective of someone who knows nothing about dance but talks like he knows everything, I thought the studio bleu girls were outta sync once in awhile and that the ALDC team showed more emotion.

But I also thought that Loree, Jill and Melissa were going to have a Dance-Off in the audience and that never happened.  So, whatever.


Which would have been Awe.  Some.

End of the day, Chloe took 6th Place but still didn’t smile.  Jade turned herself upside down and inside out for 3rd and (…intentionally or not…) gave one of the best fake smile/side eyes EVER to the 4th Place girl when she stepped up to grab her award.

Kaeli, who came out of nowhere from studio bleu and must have done her solo during that Raising Asia commercial (…did I miss something on a snack break?…) won First Place, which made that Leslie/Christ-y woman get all emotional like I do when my Spring allergies first start acting up.

And then the ALDC got the First Loser Award:  Second Place.

Beat out by their own babysitters.  Not cool.

Needless to say, backstage didn’t go so well after the trophies were all handed out.  Loree implied that Jade had lost because of Abby’s guidance.  And choreography.  And musical selection.  And complete lack of online banking skills.

Melissa kept looking at the back of Loree’s red dress like today might be the day it all goes down.  Again, you heard it here first.

Jill and Holly were pretty low key this week, all things considered.

And MackZ had bugs all over her.

Really gross ones.

Ha.  Kidding.  Psych.  Get back in here, you crazy kid.  It was a joke.

Or was it?


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