Posts Tagged ‘Starpower Talent Competition’

Dance Moms: Sorry, No Funny Title This Week. Abby-phobia Has Hit The ALDC. No Theme. No Music. No Clue.

Wednesday, August 20th, 2014

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She better pull a group dance outta her butt soon or I’ll be late for hosting Meet The Press.

 

 

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No, seriously. How many studios does she own? And does she know she’s wearing two bras?

 

 

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Oh I know this new Senator’s wife is not gon’ come in here trying to steal my look. I called Red.

 

 

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I know, right? All side swept. Don’t tell the girls, but I just overslept and didn’t have time to curl the other side.

 

 

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Seriously? Again? Imma ’bout to get all Sia on this new chick and wrap her head in that curtain.

 

 

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There was a giant bug and it went in my ear and then my brain. Now we need a Girl Party and some Raid, asap!

 

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I swear that perfume Jill keeps regifting is burning my eyes. I’m going blind back here, lady. F’realz.

 

 

 

With apologies to John Lennon.

Imagine there’s no drama.

It’s easy if you try.  Unless it’s Dance Moms.

Then all bets are off.

Or something.  I’m still working on that last line.  But you get the point.

There was a new Competition Sheriff in town this week and it had everyone on the edge of their saloon chairs.  The Imagine Dance Challenge in Woodbridge, VA would bring the ALDC face to face with one of their toughest rivals in the circuit and it was clear as soon as the credits stopped rolling that Abby Lee Miller was already off her game a little.

Starting with the Pyramid of Shame, of course.  Which, if you squinted a little bit, actually kinda sorta looked almost triangular this time around.

Clearly, it’s tough to create a legitimately pyramidal (…is that even a word?…) composition with only five glossy head shots, because Abby’s been struggling the last few episodes.

This week began with Abby’s favorite game:  Name That New Girl.

Jade Cloud was in the hizzle, replacing nervous little Sarah Hunt who had been booted off the Team last week when her Holy Roller ‘I Think The Garbage Needs To Be Taken Out’ Mom Christ-y finally pushed Abby’s last button.

You remember all that hilarity, right?  Christ-y definitely needed some time to chillax, which would also give that tiny niblet Sarah a chance to replenish some of the fluids she lost by crying non-stop through two entire episodes.  Poor little peanut.

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Besides having a name that sounds like she was one of the Jem and The Hologram girls, Jade also has a mother who looks like her face should be on the butt end of a car.

Whoa.  That didn’t come out the way it was intended in my head.  That sounded kind of rude when I proofread it a second time.

What I meant to say was that Mom Loree looks like her face should be on one of those shiny political ‘Vote for my Husband for City Council’ bumper stickers, because she totally looks like one of those Washington Ladies you see on CNN who host those Washington Lady Lunches where Michelle Obama and Oprah tell everyone that America’s children don’t eat enough broccoli.

Because she does.  Look at that Washington hair.  I bet it doesn’t even move in the wind.  I’m totally voting for her husband in 2016 and I don’t even know what he stands for yet.

Since Maddie is currently MTV‘s It Girl and could be pulled away at any moment to star in the next Sia video or fly to the Moon on that plane Justin Bieber wants to buy, Abby was still looking for someone to play the role of Dance Princess #1, should Maddie no longer be able to fulfill her duties.

Enter Jade.  Just like little Sarah did.  And Kalani Hillicker did before her.  And Kamryn Beck did, until she had to go on hiatus to speak at the Neurophysics Symposium in Geneva, Switzerland.  Because that’s totally why the Kia Kamster wasn’t there this week.

(Autographed copies of Kamryn’s book “How To Over Achieve And Still Rock A Glitter Headband” will be available in the lobby, BTW.  Credit cards only, please.)

Bottom of the Pyramid:  Chloe and Nia.  So wrong.

The middle tier:  Completely hogged by the Ziegler Gurlz.  MackZ and MaddieZ.  MackZ needed to stand up straighter because Abby had a lot invested in her budding youtube career.  And MaddieZ went on the Ellen Show, so yeah to that.

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And there was Kendall at the top!  She killed it last week with her Phantom of the Opera face dance and my MomCrush Jill couldn’t have been any happier.  I was hoping Jill might have been so euphoric that she’d bust out a little spontanious celebratory Gangnam Style, but that didn’t happen.

This week’s competition was a new one, so Abby was nervous.  Especially since the girls would be coming up against studio bleu…one of their toughest rivals.

studio bleu is a pretty big dealio in Virginia.  They spell their website name all in lower case letters with the ‘E’ and the ‘U’ reversed just like a day spa, so you know they mean business.  Unfortunately, all that fanciness totally freaks out my Macbook’s auto correct, so if there are a couple of Studio Blues in here instead of studio bleus…blame Apple.

Jade and Chloe both scored solos.  Christi did some quick math and figured out that…once again…Chloe was going up against the New Girl like it was some kind of sadistic weekly freshmen hazing ritual.

Mom wasn’t happy.  And neither was Daughter.  I don’t remember the last time I saw either of them actually smile, which makes me sad.

Up until about 30 seconds into the Pyramid, Abby’s original plan was to go up against studio bleu (…that just looks wrong.  My high school grammar teacher would be horrified right now…) with some amazing, yet unseen group routine.

But now, after rethinking the group’s chances against studio bleu, Abby decided to shelve the number until Nationals.  Which meant that there was no group routine to rehearse.

None.  Nada.  Zero.  Zip.

As the Moms headed up to the MomPerch, the girls stood around looking at themselves in the mirrors waiting for some direction.  It was clear that Abby had no idea what to do next.

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It was also pretty clear that Holly is a side sleeper, because all her sassy new hair was mashed up on one side during her first interview sniglet.  Or, wishful thinking, maybe my long-term goal of getting Dr. Beyoncé to unleash her Inner Hip Hop Majorette with the Bring It! girls was finally working out in my favor.

Boom.  Bam.  Pow.  DB4L!  (See what I did there?)

Dang, Gurl.  Getting your money’s worth at the salon this week.

As the Moms sat upstairs trying to figure out how many bras Loree could comfortably wear at one time (…see photo evidence Exhibit A above…) Abby finally figured out what to do with the hot mess she had made of the group routine.

Phobias: What freaks you out?

Maddie: Being Alone.  Chloe: Public Speaking.  MackZ: Bugs And Auto-tune.  Kendall: Crowds.  Nia: Needles.  (..Girrrl…I hear dat...)  Jade: Heights.

Then they did a quick improv based on their individual phobias, except for MackZ who saw an invisible bug and ran out of the room and then ran back into the room and then saw another invisible bug and then ran all the way upstairs when everyone started laughing at her for doing so much unnecessary physical activity.

If MackZ is going to stay MackZ and not revert back to Mackenzie Boo Boo Child she’s gonna need to grow a pair.  And stat.  Even Mom Melissa said so.

Clearly, Melissa was already agitated before MackZ showed up (…see photo evidence Exhibit B above…) due to the fact that Loree was shamelessly stealing her look.  Bitch.

When Abby tried to calm MackZ down by saying “You don’t think people laugh at me?” my ego momentarily took over and I was all like ‘OMG she totally reads my blog!’ until I realized that she was probably referring to all of Kelly Hyland‘s tweets.

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I miss Brooke and Paige.

With two days to go before Virginia, Jade got to working on her Miss Saigon dance while Chloe fine tuned her dark ‘They Don’t Want My Kind Around Here’ solo.  Not that Abby noticed, of course, because she was too busy phutzing with Jade’s spandex.

It also didn’t go unnoticed that when Abby had insisted on putting my girl Nia in an afro wig a few years ago Holly blew the Nutty Heard Round The World, but when Jade was handed a Geisha fan all Loree said was ‘She looks the part.’

Wait.  What?

Afro wig or not, it’s still The International Year of The Nia.  So there.

Because of all the drama surrounding the Attack of the Invisible Bugs, MackZ got herself benched from the group dance (…literally.  There’s literally a BENCH you have to go sit on when you’re benched at the ALDC…) which now bumped the remaining girls up into the Teen Category.  A higher age group with bigger, stronger girls.

Which is never good.  Loree said so.  You never bump a group UP.  Always DOWN.  She also said “Vote for my Husband for City Council” about a million times.

We get it, honey.  We saw your car in the parking lot.

Totally unrelated, Holly had sunglasses on her head.  Just needed to point that out because accessories always make the outfit.

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Finally, it was Showtime!  And crazy crowd hysteria when the ALDC pulled up to the curb.

Oddly, the studio bleu girls were waiting for them outside like they were all going to link arms and not allow them access to the building.  Not really sure what that was all about.

Inside, Abby could barely look the Moms in the eyes as they tried to figure out a way to drop the ALDC team back down to Pre-Teen or TweenyBop or Junior or whatever they call the lower category.

By (…literally…) benching MackZ, Abby had messed up the average age (…who knew there was so much arithmetic involved in competitive dance?…) and now the team was stuck going up against girls twice their age.  And size.

As she flipped through the show’s program book (…that either had some local advertising or pornography on the back cover because it was all blurred out…) Abby made some lame excuse about needing to do online banking instead of figuring out what to do with MackZ.  None of which made any sense, because…One: You need a computer for online banking, not a dance program…and Two: It just didn’t make any sense.

Loree’s last minute attempt to convince Abby to allow the bug-infested MackZ back in the routine (…which would totally screw with the Time/Space/Age/Math Continuum enough to bump the ALDC back down a notch…) failed miserably and the team was stuck in the higher category.  Holly thought it might work, since Abby respects Lorre as a dance studio owner.  Apparently, Loree owns almost as many studios as she does undergarments.

Side note: Loree also stole Melissa’s look again at the competition.  That’s twice in one week.  This s*** is going down in some back alley before Nationals, you know dat.  Don’t act surprised when it happens, because I’m telling you ahead of time.

Side note #2:  I swear Christi was wearing one of Loree’s bras in one of her interview sniglets.  Did you see that tiny barely spaghetti strappy looking teal thing?

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Whoa, Mama.  There’s kids in the room.

Jade’s solo was amazing.  That girl can contort.  But Mom was concerned because acro is not her thang.  And judges either love it or hate it.

Chloe did great.  She always does great at performance time when it’s time to get it done.  She just needed to relax a little more.

Backstage as the girls ran through the group routine one last time, Chloe somehow got into Maddie’s orbit, or personal space, or whatever dancers call it and Abby flipped her lid.

It was clearly an accident and didn’t require paramedics or any stitches, so I don’t really see what the big deal was all about.  But you know how Abby gets when someone goes near her prized porcelain Maddie collection in the china closet.

And how about that studio bleu Director?  You tell me she wasn’t a perfectly replicated DNA splice of Walmart Dance Mom Leslie Ackerman and that loud Christ-y Church Lady from last week?  Seriously.  Go back and look.

OMG.  Twinsies, right?

The group routines were both da bomb, even though studio bleu looked like they could babysit the ALDC girls if all the Moms wanted a night off.  No joke.

From the perspective of someone who knows nothing about dance but talks like he knows everything, I thought the studio bleu girls were outta sync once in awhile and that the ALDC team showed more emotion.

But I also thought that Loree, Jill and Melissa were going to have a Dance-Off in the audience and that never happened.  So, whatever.

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Which would have been Awe.  Some.

End of the day, Chloe took 6th Place but still didn’t smile.  Jade turned herself upside down and inside out for 3rd and (…intentionally or not…) gave one of the best fake smile/side eyes EVER to the 4th Place girl when she stepped up to grab her award.

Kaeli, who came out of nowhere from studio bleu and must have done her solo during that Raising Asia commercial (…did I miss something on a snack break?…) won First Place, which made that Leslie/Christ-y woman get all emotional like I do when my Spring allergies first start acting up.

And then the ALDC got the First Loser Award:  Second Place.

Beat out by their own babysitters.  Not cool.

Needless to say, backstage didn’t go so well after the trophies were all handed out.  Loree implied that Jade had lost because of Abby’s guidance.  And choreography.  And musical selection.  And complete lack of online banking skills.

Melissa kept looking at the back of Loree’s red dress like today might be the day it all goes down.  Again, you heard it here first.

Jill and Holly were pretty low key this week, all things considered.

And MackZ had bugs all over her.

Really gross ones.

Ha.  Kidding.  Psych.  Get back in here, you crazy kid.  It was a joke.

Or was it?

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Dance Moms: Now You See Her. Now You Don’t. Where Is Abby This Week? And Who’s Running The Show Here?

Wednesday, August 21st, 2013

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Oh hey, Girlfriend. Come on in. Just giving myself a keratin treatment and eating that big a** plate of Dunkin’ Donuts back there.

 

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I’m touchin’ yo face. Whatcha gonna do? I’m touchin’ yo face. Whatcha gonna do? I’m touchin’ yo face. Whatcha gonna do?

 

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Pardon me, Ma’am. Is this seat taken? I’d kinda like to see what it feels like to sit with winners for a change. You mind?

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Excuse me all to Hell for not coughing up $1,000 for a damn dance class. These weaves ain’t cheap.

 

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Bitch, please. I know synthetic when I see it. And the tag goes in the back. Lawd.

 

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Seriously? Do you really have to pose in every outfit? I’m pretty sure everyone knows by now that you’re the Hot Mom.

 

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Friends don’t let friends drink and drive.  Or ugly cry in high definition.

 

 

 

 

Sound the alarm.

Release the bloodhounds.

And straighten your feet for crying out loud.

Nobody panic, but Pittsburgh is going on lockdown.  The inmates are running the prison.

If you’re the kind of person who looks for the most bang from your buck, you definitely got your money’s worth this week.  Dance Moms had pretty much everything that you love to hate about the show all stuffed into one jam packed hour.  Mama Drama, tears, hilarity, hysteria, loads of sassy smack talk…and even a few moments of actual dancing.

The only thing they didn’t seem to have was anyone in charge.

That’s right.  For the second week in a row, the ALDC bus was speeding downhill with no brakes and no driver as Abby Lee Miller remained mysteriously absent for the majority of the episode, appearing and disappearing into the shadows like some kind of plus sized Ninja warrior whenever the mood felt right.

The general consensus between all the Moms was that Abby had taken time off to be with her ailing mother, though there were lingering questions regarding a Starpower judging opportunity, some random party girl Instagram postings and that mysterious “Mandy” who kept answering Abby’s cell phone whenever they called.

So basically, no one had any idea what was going on.

Leave it to Melissa to get to the bottom of things.  Before breakfast.

In what was clearly supposed to be a surprise drop-in visit over at Abby’s house (…“Melissa?  Is that you?  Oh, heeeeey”…) Maddie‘s Mom showed up unannounced to check in on Abby and find out what was really going on.  Except that the camera guy clearly beat her to it and was already filming Abby piling up a mound of donuts by the time she got there.

Yeah.  I’m thinking it wasn’t much of an unannounced drive-by unless the camera guy just happened to come over early to help Abby condition her hair.  Some dudes are into that kind of thing I suppose.

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And can we talk about how many donuts were on that plate?

Portion control, honey.  You don’t want to slip into a diabetic coma and be found on the floor still wearing that blinged out towel head wrap.

I still can’t decide whether Abby reminded me of a fortune teller or the Head of that Witches Counsel they used to always show on Bewitched or one of those crazy Boca ladies who go out in their housecoats to get the mail and when you look through the open door you always see The Price Is Right on the television and about 15 cats.

There was a lot going on in that little kitchen.

Melissa pleaded her case to get Abby back to the studio before the upcoming Nationals, but she didn’t do very well.  Abby wanted to be close to her mother and as far away as possible from Kelly and her two kids now that they had snuck back into the ALDC.

After getting confirmation that Maddie would (…naturally…) get a chance to dance at Nationals and then stuffing a few Bavarian Cremes in her purse, Melissa was on her way.

Back at the studio, choreographer Gianna was large and in charge for a second week and ready to bring home another win.  She knew that the gang would be heading to Charleston, WV for another Masters of Dance Competition, but she didn’t know if Abby would be tagging along or not.

She also knew that Chloe was doing a solo this week, Asia was going to eat Mackenzie alive in a dueling divas duet and that the group routine was going to be amaze balls.

As the girls all got to rehearsing and the Moms headed upstairs, we scooted up to Ohio to check in with the Candy Apples and see what evil comic book plot Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein was hatching this week.

That momentary spike in the Twitterverse that may or may not have slowed down your laptop right around this point was the return of Zack Torres.

That’s right, girls.  You can start screaming now.  It’s a full blown Zack Attack!

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Now that Anthony Burrell had apparently separated himself from the Candy Apples and would no longer be forcing any more boys into inappropriate Pinocchio high kicks in Richard Simmons shorty shorts, the coast was clear for Zack to return.

And now that he was back, just the thought of Zack and Lady Killer Lucas Triana one-legging it together on stage pretty much gave Cathy the vapors.  She may have even wet herself a little, but they only shot her from the waist up so I can’t be certain.

Chaos Cathy unveiled her Apple TV power point pyramid, which is always too hard for me to figure out since it kind of goes in an odd circle instead of just up and down like Abby’s Pyramid of Shame.  All that really matters is that Lucas was on top of the apple tree and his Danny Zuko from Grease headshot pretty much always gives me life.

Rama Lama Ding Dong.

Cathy also called out Nicaya for not being as well trained as the other dancers and then we got to watch Mom Kaya get all hood rat about the high price of tap class.

Will someone please get this bitch her own show or do I have to post for some Kickstarter funding on my own?  Seriously.

In my head, Kaya and Kristie Ray share an apartment like Laverne & Shirley and just go around the country smacking people around all day.  Could you die?

I’ll let you know when my pilot gets the green light.  It’s gonna be awesome sauce.

Cathy had seen on social media (…that’s what it’s called, you know…) that Chloe would be doing a solo in Charleston, so she was going to put Zack up against her on stage.

She claimed that Chloe was not as good a dancer as she used to be, which I assumed was a reference to her days of dancing in a dress made out of cold cuts and jerky meat.

It’s a shame to peak at such a young age.

Back in Pittsburgh, the Moms were once again voicing their concern that Abby should be on site helping them get ready for the end of the dance season and not hiding out God knows where.

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Melissa’s selective memory also resurfaced as she got a little foggy on whether or not Abby had actually mentioned anything about Maddie getting a solo at Nationals.

Of course she did.

Somewhere around this point I also lost track of how many OhHellNo faces Holly had made thus far in the episode.  I was really trying to count them because I had a good feeling that this week was going to break all the records and I thought there might be an online contest later, but Girlfriend was busting that shiz out so fast I couldn’t keep up.

Oh snap.

I’m pretty sure they also spliced in a bunch of old scenes between Christi and Kelly again, because everything they said about Abby and the kids we’ve already heard a million times.  Even the fat jokes were last week’s fat jokes.  Time for some new shtick.

Up in Ohio, that cow with the #20 ear tag was back stealing the opening scene as crazy faced Yvette tried to help Cathy with choreography.

And by ‘help’ I mean walking that fine Yvette line between assisting someone with a group number and actually climbing up a ladder and putting your own damn name on the outside of the building.

Dial it down a notch, sistah.  The building’s not on fire.

Yvette also started bringing back her patented t-shirt catch phrases that first made her a star on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.

Remember last year when she first unleashed her krazy on all of us and every sentence was nothing but “Dance for the Cause, NOT the Applause” or “Tap it don’t Slap it” or “Asia’s Mom’s a Total Bitch?”

Remember all that hilarity?  Well…it’s back.  So get used to it.

And you know what else was back?

The Abby-nator!

I know, right?  About time.

Abby strolled into the ALDC like nothing had ever happened, bullied Paige and Brooke a little and then took a few Christi F-bombs right in the face.

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There was a big argument regarding who broke the ALDC contract the most by swearing or not showing up or blah blah blah.  They even pointed out that the ALDC legal paper mumbo jumbo said something about creating a ‘nourishing’ environment, which I think was supposed to have been ‘nurturing’ environment, unless there is an actual cafeteria on the premises.

That part got a little weird.  Read the fine print, ladies.

Luckily, it was National Exposed Shoulder Week and all the Moms were rocking those cold shoulder tops that they make such a big deal about on QVC, so that distracted me from all the swearing.

I’m not lying.  Go back and look at how many of the ladies were showing skin.  And they were totally pissed that only my girl Kristie knew how to do it like they show in Cosmo.

Haters.

As both teams finished up rehearsals before the Big Day, it was clear that Hadley didn’t use enough sunscreen last weekend and that Asia was gonna turn Kenzie out like that fourth member of Destiny’s Child that nobody remembers.

Love you Mackadoodle, but you should probably just stick to clown noses and pigtails.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And a CNN report on the bloody riots in the streets of Egypt.

Which turned out to be a false alarm, because it was actually just the ALDC and the CADC contingents coming face to face in a sign-holding, parking lot screaming match that looked like one of those housekeeper rallies gone bad.

When Kristie got accused of touching Cathy I died.  Right there on my couch.  I died.

I can’t even imagine sitting in the back seat with Kristie when she was little on long family vacation rides to the Grand Canyon.

I’m touching you.  Quit it.  I’m touching you.  Quit it.  Mom!

That Dilbert guy from Candy Apples didn’t stand a chance once those earrings got flapping and Kristie did her now infamous bad a** mime hands all up in his grill.

I’ll say it again.  Once that ponytail starts whipping around it looks like the final battle scene from The X-Men.  Let’s go!

Love.  Her.

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Ninja Abby no-showed, by the way.  Go figure.

Inside, I don’t know if it was planned or not, but there was a space between the seats that allowed all of America to see Kristie’s fashion model legs.  Like they used to do with Mary Hart on Entertainment Tonight with that awkward crotch light.

It was a total NeNe Leakes shiny leg Watch What Happens Live moment.  Dang, girl.

It should probably also be noted that poor Jill, on the other hand, was wearing a floor length maxi-dress with four rows of folding movie chairs in front of her.  Just saying.

All the dancing was pretty good.  Zack and Lucas had no shirt on again.  I’m not sure if Lucas even owns one or if he just keeps forgetting his backpack in Miami.

Christi spent the remainder of the show screaming like some drunk chick at Mardi Gras trying to score plastic jewelry in exchange for a quick flash of her t***s.  Really.  She did.

Throw me some beads, Mister!

Out in the hallway all the Moms met up again, and somehow Mom Gina #2 made it sound like Cathy did all the choreography and inadvertently dissed Yvette in front of all the ALDC peeps.

Meltdown in 3…2…1…

Yvetter lost her nutty and got way too close to my television screen.  Waaaaay too close.

When it was all said and done, Abby’s team won all the good stuff.  Which, if you do the math, meant that the Candy Apples team didn’t.

More tears.  More dramz.

With only a few weeks left until Nationals, there was still no Abby…and not much of a chance that anyone in Ohio needed to buy any bus tickets in the near future.

Candy Apples was in shambles and the ALDC was missing it’s Leader.

Now what?

Raise your hands if you can’t wait to find out what happens next week…

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Dance Moms: The ALDC Rocket Ship Blasts Off To Starpower, Which Is Apparently The Biggest Big Dance Competition In The Known Universe. And Maddie Has A Secret? Suck It Up.

Wednesday, June 27th, 2012

 

 

What the…? How does this tall kid keep sneaking back in here? I just changed the locks.

 

 

 

 

No. Really.  It’s Big. Really, really Big. Breathtakingly Big. So Big you’re physically in awe of it’s Bigness.

 

 

 

 

That’s what she said. This Big.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s Big like Cracker Barrel All You Can Eat Buffet Big. Raise your hands if you wanna go for dinner.

 

 

 

 

You win, or I snap both your arms off like this and you’ll never be able to hold your second place trophy again.

 

 

 

For those of you who missed it…Starpower Talent Competition is big.

Really big.

Or at least according to Abby Lee Miller it is.  And I’m thinking that Girlfriend probably knows a thing or two about All Things Big.  She may even qualify as an authority on the subject.

A big authority, if you’ll pardon the precisely placed pun.

This week on Dance Moms, the gang was headed to Woodbridge, New Jersey to try and scoff up all the Starpower trophies in a big way.  Other than the Woodbridge Center Mall I don’t really have any idea what’s out there, but whatever it is…if it’s anything like Jersey Hair…I’m sure it’s big.

Before you delete me from your favorite blog sites (…and if you haven’t added me yet, I’m more than happy to pause while you go do it now…) you’ll be happy to know that I think I’m done using the word big.

I just wanted to make certain that you experienced the same repetitive annoyance that the rest of us experienced as Abby pointed out over and over how freakin’ huge Starpower really was in the magical Land of Dance.  We get it.

But nobody was goin’ nowhere until the Pyramid of Shame photos were all peeled off like scabby band-aids.  I hear that the faster you rip them off, the less it is supposed to hurt.

At the bottom of the Why Don’t We Just Call This The Maddie Show And Be Done With It Pyramid were Brooke and Paige.

Brooke was there, again, because Abby still hated her Mom Kelly and was holding the longest grudge ever  in the history of grudge holding because Kelly flipped her the Bird two weeks ago.

Seriously?  Still?

I live in a big city and sit in a hot, crowded subway car everyday.  If I held a grudge against all the people who flip me off on a daily basis I would never get anything done, and would probably end up being one of those grumpy old coots sitting on a bench outside of Target yelling at kids on skateboards because they can see underwear sticking out of their baggy a** hip hop pants.

At first I thought Paige was on the bottom because Abby didn’t like her new grown up hairdo, which I still swear makes her look less like a little girl and more like that perky college dorm RA we all had who seemed so peppy and smiley until you realized that she cried herself to sleep every night because boys don’t like girls who pound on their door every time they smell weed.

Then I remembered that Kelly was her Mom too, and it all made more sense than the initial hairdo scenario actually did.

Miss Sassy Thang 2012 Nia was also on the bottom, which made both me and Mom Holly a little cranky.  Nia did great last time, but she needed to pay attention to her technique.  Sometimes her inner Beyoncé comes out, and it’s hard to remember to point your toes when you know they’re not ready for your jelly.

Chloe and Maddie were in the middle row.  They both did really well in the last competition, but got knocked down to the second level because House Rules state that the Overall High Score dancer always gets top ranking.

So make room for Mackenzie, bitches!

MackAttack scored the coveted Petite Miss Energy Dance title last week, which is a pretty big deal.

I mean, it’s no Miss Sugarplum Storybook Glitz Super Uber Supreme, but it’s a title.  And unless you can convince Mom Melissa to uproot the whole family and move down South before her not so secret wedding, it’s the best you’re gonna get.  So blow a few finger kisses and stick it in the trophy case, honey.

Mack was so happy that her hair got some mad crazy balloon static and I’m pretty sure another tooth came in.  You done so good you can be in the group dance!

Chloe snagged a solo this week, with a What Goes Around Comes Around theme.  It was a poorly veiled subliminal slam against Mom Christi for everything that she ever thought or said or did to Abby.

Maddie’s solo was a Wizard of Oz-ish Looking For A Place Like Home dance.  It was an homage to Dorothy, even though Abby pronounced it more like hommmidge, which I believe is either imported cheese or that new kind of yogurt that keeps you regular.

Since Brooke was already clinging to the bottom of the wall collage and had nothing to lose, she bailed and went home to talk about boys and get ready for her 8th grade Farewell Dance.  She would miss out on all the Bigness that is Starpower, but she didn’t care because she was getting a new dress and probably an awkward make out session.

Yes, as a matter of fact, I do judge all 8th graders by my emotionally scarred cafetorium dance memories.  Is there a problem?  Can we just move on, please?

The group number was based on the recent theatrical release The Hunger Games, where children killed each other to survive.  Replace pointe shoes with bow and arrows, and there you go.

Even though there were still enough dancers to legally call it a group number, Abby felt the need to poke Kelly in the eye just a little more and decided to bring in another dancer to replace Brooke.

Next thing you know, who comes ducking in under the door frame? It’s Payton!

All 8 feet of her.

You remember Payton.  The genetically engineered offspring of crazy Walmart shopping Mom Leslie.  I say genetically engineered because it sounds cooler and more PC than saying ginormously tall, but now I’ve gone and said that too, so you pick your favorite description of that Amazon.

The last time we saw Payton she had proudly exclaimed that she thought she was better than all the other dancers, which caused a whole lot of screaming and crying and banishment to the other rehearsal studio.

Abby pegged her as The Huntress for the number.  Last time she danced she was The Bully sticking “Kick Me” signs on the other girls.  This time she was packing heat.

Word on the dance street was that Payton had taken the Bully title to heart and was shoving kids to the ground and generally getting all gangstah thug on any little dancer who was unlucky enough to find themselves alone with her in the parking lot.

When Mom Leslie showed up after a quick trip to Walmart to return some capris that didn’t fit right in the crotch, she flipped out on all the other Moms for talking trash about her daughter.

There needs to be a show with nothing but Leslie flipping out.  Immediately.

When we first met her, I couldn’t place the voice.  But now that she’s been around for awhile I recognize it.

Leslie is totally that bat s*** crazy lady at the Walmart Customer Service desk having a nuclear meltdown when the sales associate won’t price match her blender because it’s not the identical item.  No matter how many times you show her the flyer, all she does is scream and yell and demand to speak to the manager, who you know is hiding behind the photo studio barnyard backdrop in complete terror with a wet spot in his pants.

That bitch is loud and proud.  When God made her, He had to remove her compassion and social skills in order to make room for all that extra Spaz.

When Payton took a face plant on a jump to the floor in rehearsals and basically broke her finger, Leslie told her to Suck It Up.  Geezis…you’ve got 9 others that still work, don’t you?

Suck It Up is pretty much Leslie’s go-to response when anyone is faced with a challenge in life.

If you’re finger doesn’t heal correctly because you took your splint off for the competition, it’s not like you had big plans to be a hand model anyway.  Suck It Up.

When the Moms all got into a bullying session about the actual definition of bullying, it was up to Holly to smack Leslie with her PhD and dumb it down for her in terms she could understand.

Christi wanted to just slap her and show her what real bullying was all about, but she stayed cool because the Lifetime lawyers were behind the cameras.  Lawyers and snipers probably show up every time Leslie blows into town.

I don’t know that for a fact, and could potentially have just made it up, but I would bet good money that it’s probably gospel.

Since Starpower was so…not little…the competition was actually broken down into two different venues.  A few quick calculations and some basic math skills later, Abby realized that she could enter Maddie in both locations and have a chance at scoring TWO solo trophies.  And why should clothing manufacturers be the only people to break child labor laws and work a kid to the bone, right?

After sneaking Melissa and Maddie into an early morning rehearsal, which by my own calculations kinda seemed to cut into what should have been homeroom attendance time, they were all set to work both Starpower auditoriums.  After a blood oath of secrecy, that is.

A few Suck It Ups later, it was finally Competition Day!

Payton still had a throbbing finger, which could potentially effect her weightlifting overhead presses when she picked up all the other girls during the performance.

Again…Suck It Up.  Even Abby compared Payton’s weenie little finger issue to the poor mountain climber who fell in a crevice and chewed his own arm off.  I’m thinking Abby didn’t actually see that movie.

Suck It Up.  And then Spit It Out if you have to, you big crybaby.

The group number had a few goobers.  MackAttack had trouble climbing all the way up on top of Payton’s big back, which was probably due to the fact that Payton was all covered in nervous flop sweat after missing half her turns.

Someone also needs to explain to me how last week Abby managed to find a retail establishment that sold 3 foot tall spoons made out of solid lead for the group dance, but this week couldn’t manage to track down one sporting goods store that carried an archery set?

As a result, it was up to Payton to Suck It Up and fling imaginary arrows at the girls until they collapsed one by one like roadkill onto the stage.

They only scored Second Place, which as we all know by now, is the First Loser.

Totally unrelated, Abby was in the audience with a big foam circle that I thought was one of those hemorrhoid donuts that you put under your butt, but then I saw some more on stage and realized they were Starpower branded frisbees or something.  Yes, I was disappointed.

Maddie’s solo was great.  In both locations.  The Oz number had her hooched up in a little two piece Dorothy number, which was cute since she’s still a  little kid.  A few years from now I can totally picture that outfit on some sorority bitch who’s slamming beers at a Halloween frat party with her BFF dressed as a naughty nurse.

Chloe did great, too.  But her choreography was…meh.

By the time that Maddie brought back TWO top solo trophies, one from each location, the episode ended just like the 17 episodes before it.  Except this one had the added bonus of Leslie’s big Walmart mouth which was flapping around so much that I can’t believe she didn’t get lipstick all over her teeth.

Moms were flipping out right and left, screaming favoritism and claiming that the other kids were always set up to fail with sub par choreography.

Kelly got (bleeped) out a few times, which made me smile because it seemed more like an episode of Dance Mob Wives.  (Which I would totally watch every week, by the way.)

Leslie accused Christi of just being a sore loser.  Christi rolled her eyes and made some of the best faces that she has made in two seasons.

Holly silently wondered if she could get her job back at the school on Monday and make this all go away.

Melissa did a lousy job of pretending she didn’t know anything about the second venue.

Payton’s twisted finger finally fell off.

And now you have to wait a whole week for another episode and my witty ramblings?

Suck It Up.


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