Posts Tagged ‘Tami and Tea’’

Dance Moms: The In10sity Wasn’t Just On The Ohio Stage This Week. Maddie And Gino Sitting In A Tree…

Friday, August 8th, 2014

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Just so we’re clear. You’re a guest in my house. And my hair was straight when I walked in the door.






It’s easy, sweetie. I just always pretend there’s frosting on his face like this… Nom Nom Nom.






Now we’re talking. Lemme just put some new elastics on my braces and we’ll start this party.






Yeah. Not so much. But if I could pry Kendall’s Mom off Zac Efron? Totes McGotes yeah.






Long as everyone’s handing out kisses, somebody with sunglasses on her head is wearing flavored Chapstick.






I hope I don’t hurt any of the kids when I throw myself through that plate glass window.






I dunno. I can’t explain my hair, either. The box said it was easy but I didn’t have time to read the directions.




It’s true, you know.

Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.

And girls make crazy faces when kissing boy’s braces.  Or something like that.

I forget exactly how it goes.  But regardless, you heard it here first.

Dance Moms was back this week and clearly our little bunheads are growing up.  Gone are the days of just counting how many somersaults Mackenzie can do before she loses another baby tooth on stage.  Now her name is MackZ, yo.  She’s got some pretty substantial Big Girl teeth coming in and an iTunes download moving up the charts.

Then there’s Maddie in that punk white Sia wig, getting all tangled up in hotel curtains, clinging to music video door frames and just generally freaking me out a little.

I mean, did you see her in that skin colored leotard getting all jiggy wid it?  Next thing you know she’ll be kissing boys, I tell you.  But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.

First things first.  Which is always The Pyramid of Shame.

As everyone trampled in for another round of geometric humiliation, it was obvious that the herd had thinned a bit.  After scooping up their second First Place trophy in two weeks, the New Team had already been given a week off as a reward for their hard work.

Really?  Two weeks on.  One week off?  Not a bad gig if you can get it.  Where do I sign?

Hopefully, the New Team was putting the time off to good use.


I’m thinking the Mall, maybe.

Jeanette‘s lawyer had mentioned to me in the Cease & Desist paperwork that she wanted to hit up some legging/jegging sales at (…anywhere but…) Forever 21, so this week was probably as good a time as any to get it done.  Tami definitely needed some new pants, because I can’t imagine that she wears those booty shorts year round.  I remember seeing on the Weather Channel that it gets really cold in Pittsburgh.

And you know Tracey needed to get something done with that bald spot in the back of her head.  There can’t be anything left back there after Tami snatched it during that whole front desk football tackle fiasco last week.

As for the other two Moms, Loree clearly already goes to Ann Taylor Loft every week, so she probably wouldn’t be tagging along.  And I’m sure Jodi was tied up helping Kamryn prepare for her bar exam or city council campaign or whatever the hell Little Miss OverAchiever 2014 was doing to keep herself busy during the break.

We love Kammie, if that’s her nickname.  Or the Kia Kamster, which I prefer.

Moral of the story:  All the newbies were MIA.

Except for shaky pup Sarah H., that is.  She stuck around as a “guest” of the Original Recipe Team this week.  Which meant that her Mom Christy (…with a Y…) also somehow snuck back in the building when Security went outside for a cigarette.

I’m thinking that even Abby is getting tired of the Pyramid lately, because once again it was just a straight line of photos with one straggler above the rest.  Seriously.  I could have done that myself with a yardstick and some double stick tape.

The entire Original Recipe Team was on the bottom because of their (…alleged…) bad attitude, both on and off the stage, when the New Team scored First Place last week.

Which meant that Sarah was on top by default, since she had performed with the winning group.  Which also meant that Holly and her soon-to-be patented HollyFace got all like SayWhaaa-?! and my MomCrush Jill did that eye roll thing that makes her bangs flick.


Did I already mention that it was also National Dress Your Mom In Black And White And Take Her To Work Day?  Because it totally was.

Every single Mom.  Black and White.  Like they were doing back-up for the Rhythm Nation Tour or something.  Even that New Mom.

And she had on horizontal stripes, which…well, you know…

This week they were headed to In10sity Dance Competition in Cleveland, Ohio.  Candy Apple’s turf.  Cue the drama.

The group routine was called “Broken Dolls” since…der…they were all broken dolls after losing two weeks in a row.  The Moms felt that the girls were neither broken dolls nor sore losers, but had simply seen through Abby’s SetUpToFail master plan and reacted realistically when the results were announced.

Abby felt that she should just ignore their completely logical point of view and instead pimp out her recent appearance on Dancing With The Stars a few hundred times.

If you didn’t take a shot every time she mentioned DWTS and pass out before the first commercial break, then you learned that there was also going to be a DWTS-inspired duet entitled “That Girl Has Got To Be Kissed” starring Maddie and…wait for it…Gino Cosculluela.  (Insert tweeny bop swoon here, please: ____________ )

Gino is a tiny little charmer who looks like a CNN anchor and used to dance up in Ohio at the Evil Dance Lair.   He also always freaks out my Macbook’s auto spellcheck.  His Dad Mickey (…like the Mouse…) got a little nutty on Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein the last time we saw him but apparently had not been buried alive behind the Beef Jerky Outlet as reported previously.

If Mickey was a Bronx Butcher he would totally be the kind of Bronx Butcher who throws meat against the wall if the cut isn’t right and then says something bad with his hands.

Father and Son would be arriving later.  Hold that thought.

Meanwhile, up in Ohio, Cathy was wasting no time getting right down to business.


And under Abby’s skin.

She was also messing up my television’s HD color balance buttons a little with whatever was going on with that new hair cut of hers.  Whoa.  It was like her original striped crazy hair was back, but cranked up a notch or two with the addition of a few chunky pieces that the stylist forgot to snip off.  Sometimes it even looked like she had just ripped the bleaching cap off out back and ran in for her scenes.  Looking a little moist up there.

One of the dreamy Nicks on her team was off in Spain doing something this week.  And Zack Attack Torres was doing something extra curricular with his dance, which I thought was strange since I always considered dance to already be extra curricular.  But whatever.

So in their place were newbies Evan and Alyssa.  A duet team to go up against the ALDC duet team, of course.

Evan was a cutie who kind of looked like he was wearing fake 1920’s hair and should have a Clark Gable mustache if he was old enough to grow one.  His Mom Vida had those big earrings you buy on Martha’s Vineyard when it’s too rainy to go to the beach.

Alyssa looked like she could be on DWTS in a few years (…shotski!…) but her Mom Meredith looked too young to actually be her Mom.  I’m going to need to see her driver’s license and then find out what moisturizer she uses.

The only two recognizable Moms left at the CADC were Brigette and Joanne.  We like Brigette because she’s always posting Twitter pictures and her kids are Lady Killers.  And of course we like Jo because she flipped every switch in the building that time Lucas called her kid a pissy little bitch, or whatever it was he said.

Chaos Cathy also had to finagle a new guest choreographer this time around since she had made Anthony Burrell so mad that he took off to do that Raising Asia Show.  And this time it was a doozy:  John Culbertson.

He’s the gentleman who may or may not have noodled Abby back in the day (…she does like her boys named John…) and has a Crest White Strips smile that won’t go away.  I’m sure you’ll remember him when you see him.  I don’t know if he bleaches his teeth or just always has a Miami tan, but you could read books without a nightlight if he was under the covers smiling up at you.


And that totally didn’t come out the way I intended it, but you get where I was going with it.

The next day it was National Dress Your Mom In Pastels And Take Her To Work Day as the ALDC ladies hit the MomPerch during rehearsals.

According to the Frazier Frizz-O-Meter, the stress level had dramatically increased in only 24 hours.  I will go to my grave believing that the more curl in Dr. Beyoncé‘s hair: the more anxiety in the room.  You are welcome to  go back and check the tapes from any previous season if you don’t believe me and my completely unscientific research claims.

Maybe I should have Kamryn do a thesis on it or something.  It’ll give her something to do after she splits a few atoms in the lab and lands on Pluto.

As soon as Christ-y All Might-y started doing what she does best, Holly was all like “You’re a guest and that’s how it works.”  Two snaps.  Now hand me my hot rollers.

Back in Ohio, John was still smiling.

And then Maddie kissed Gino.  Eventually, anyway.

First they had to dork all over each other and giggle and run away to get Cootie Shots and then come back and wait for Maddie to completely melt down while Gino stood there looking like he’d just seen his first Playboy magazine.  Slow it down and re-watch it a few times.  If you don’t have acid flashbacks to your first cafetorium dance, then you’re lying.

You also know that Gino’s gonna put his retainer in that little black t-shirt pocket when it’s supposed to be in his mouth.

Finally, it was Kiss Time!  And they did it.  On the lips.  And then Maddie guaranteed Gino about 17 years of psychological shock therapy by running out of the studio like some rabid raccoon had jumped out of a garbage can and bitten her straight in the face.

Gah.  Chicks.


As the competition date grew closer, rehearsals finished up just under the wire as Christ-y kept getting more and more un-Christ-y like with Mickey.  She went a few rounds with him over whether Gino or Sarah should become part of the ALDC crew before he bailed on that crazy bitch and went downstairs to show Gino how a real man kisses the owner of a dance studio.

Wait.  What?

Thank you Christ-y for stopping that one before it burned into my plasma screen.  Mickey wet kissing Abby is not something I need in my life right now, thank you.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Since the event was being held in Ohio, all the Candy Apple groupies were on site with their hilariously bedazzled glitter glue poster paper signs and high pitched screams.  Something about how Brigette was carrying her giant coffee cup into the building also struck me as funny.  Not sure why.

Once everyone got settled into their makeup rooms, Abby found out that one of her many Johns was in the building and scooted out into the lobby for an emotionless hug.  Hope she didn’t get any of that fake tan on her during that fake hug.

(Come on.  JC had to be wearing some bronzer.  That tan was way too perfect, even by Miami standards.  Ask Brigette.  He was the same color as her Starbucks.)

I’m just jealous, Johnny.  Still friends?

Evan and Alyssa’s duet was great.  She was all flowy and fluttery.  He was all business on the top, party on the bottom.  How he managed to score a pair of Tami’s booty shorts in his size is beyond me.

Dude.  Not cool.  Not even with a fake mustache.  I don’t ever want to see those again.


Maddie and Gino made out (…pun totally intended…) just fine in their DWTS-inspired duet.  With his little pink tie, Gino looked even more like he should be sitting in for Anderson Cooper while he’s on assignment in Istanbul.  Propped up on a couple of phonebooks, Gino totally has the forehead for news.

Both groups did well.  The Candy Apples “Conspiracy” dance looked like a bunch of Sheraton Bell Boys who had accidentally stumbled upon enemy secrets when somebody’s suitcase popped open in the elevator.  It was pretty slick.

The ALDC girls were broken ballerina dolls, complete with pink tutus and Pinocchio elbow joints.  Unfortunately, Chloe fell in slow motion coming out of a turn and that got Abby a little twisted in the audience.

But it didn’t effect their score, because the busted ballet took First Place, with the Candy Apples coming in Second Place.

The results were reversed in the Duet category, however, partly due to Gino showing too much CNN face and not enough of the ALDC version.  Abby didn’t like that and demanded that Gino and his Dad immediately evacuate the premises like they had just stolen something.  Not even a goodbye kiss.  After all that practice.

And then finally, since they were in Ohio and all, it was time for a quick hallway confrontation with Cathy.  The usual fat jokes and big nose jokes and then something about a $40 cow, which went right over my head since I’ve never priced cows in the open market.

There was also one of those plastic shelving units that Honey Boo Boo Child and her Mama use to stack all their mayonnaise directly behind all the Dance Moms while they were bickering.  It was for the Lost & Found, according to the sign, which I thought was odd since people could easily just walk right by and steal stuff off the shelves while everyone was looking at Cathy’s a**.

But I guess that would count as ‘Found.’

And then it was over for another week.

Until next time…




Dance Moms: Told You So. When It’s Maternal Overload In Wheeling, Double The Moms Means Double The Trouble.

Wednesday, July 30th, 2014




Just letting you know they’re all talking crap about you…and they’re totes jealz of my new highlights.






I called for back-up an hour ago. I swear if Jimmy is outside screwing around on his Twitter again…






If that Hyland chick was still here she would’ve had this thing wrapped up before happy hour.






That bitch is just lucky I forgot my pants today or I would have totally kicked her a** hard.


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Just saying we’ve been back one week and my damn hair’s already starting to curl. You really wanna do this?





What’s it gonna take to remind everyone that it’s still the International Year Of Nia? Some freakin’ crown on my head?






I ain’t running away. There’s still donuts in the lobby, but it looks like all you suckahs are taking the stairs. Peace.



Double your pleasure.

Double your fun.

It’s Two.  Two.  Two Dance Moms in one!  Sorta.

That’s right.  Abby Lee Miller & Co. is back to finish up the second half of the season.  And once again, they brought enough people to fill at least two ALDC studios to capacity.

The New Team and their New Moms.  The Original Recipe Team and their Original Recipe Moms.  Choreographers.  Camera Guys.  Producers.  Even (…Spoiler Alert…) a couple of Security Personnel and one dude who I believe was a Nightclub Bouncer.

I swear there were literally Moms and kids dropping down from open ceiling vents and crawling in through unlocked windows like ninjas.  The ALDC was definitely maxxed out on crazy this week.  Twice the Mamas.  Twice the Mama Drama.

And easily four times the amount of hair product and blowouts.

With so much going on this week, Abby didn’t waste any time getting the party started.

As the New and Old all filed in for the first Pyramid of Shame since the break, some tweaks to the routine were already pretty obvious.  Starting with the return of the stadium risers.  Which is a fancy TV term for 2×4 planks painted black.

With so many bodies in the building, Abby had to do some rearranging.  Moms on the top and their matching kids on the floor.  Except for Holly.  Wait.  What? 

Seriously.  How tall is this woman, anyway?  I’m going to assume that she didn’t want all that awesome new hair getting stuck to the ceiling tiles so she only paid for floor seats.

We love Dr. Beyoncé and whoever her sassy new stylist is, BTW.


Somebody at Lifetime also decided to blur out the makeup and backgrounds on all those Real Housewives of Pittsburgh talking head solo interview parts.  It took me a few minutes before I realized that I wasn’t actually watching the show through a jar of vaseline, but now I’m cool with it because it kind of makes the Moms look like they’re in one of those glossy magazine perfume ads that you scratch and sniff at the Beauty Parlor.

And while we’re on the subject.  I think I liked my MomCrush Jill‘s hair all blown back like some Intern BoyToy was fanning her from off-camera.

Because you know she totally has one doing that.  And he probably doesn’t even wear a shirt.  Oh, yeah.  Mama needs her Evian and her Bump-It.  That’s what I’m talking about.

Christi didn’t appear to have a BoyToy nearby, but she did have nicknames for all the New Moms since she couldn’t remember any of their real names.

Jodi was DudMuffin.  Loree was Boring Loree.  (…Yeah.  I don’t think Christi worked too hard on that one…)  Tracey was Frumpelstiltskin.  Jeanette was Count Stalkula.

Two Side Notes:  Jeanette personally let me know via her lawyer that she does NOT shop at Forever 21.  I stand corrected.  I forget what teeny bopper skinny legging store she frequents, but it’s not Forever 21.  And Two…I liked that vampire cereal when I was little.   It made the milk turn chocolate.

Tami was What’sHerFace because Christi couldn’t remember her name and Tami couldn’t remember her own pants.  More on that one a bit later.

And finally, New Christy (…with a ‘Y’…) was now and in the future to always be referred to as Christ-y.

That’s right.  Like the baby in the manger.  That one.


Who knew?  Turns out that New Christy is very religious and proudly stands by her church’s (…Spoiler Alert:  The Church of Whip Yo’ A***…) beliefs.  It also turns out that I don’t really know if it’s supposed to be spelled “Christ-y” like ‘LawdShe Was Acting All Christ-y Today At Choir Practice’ or “Christee” like a 7-11 Slurpee.  So I’m just going to keep making up names as the season progresses and you’re all just going to have to deal.

It should probably also be noted that Kamryn was wearing another sparkly headband.  I think that’s gonna end up being her thang.

You remember Kamryn.  She’s the cutie who went on and on last time listing all the millions of awards and trophies that she had won until Abby finally cut her off and my DVR stopped recording.  I have it from reliable inside sources that the Season 4 DVD box set will include a bonus disc that is nothing but Kamryn telling us how she cured polio and landed on the Moon with no oxygen mask.

We like her.

But back to business.  Abby let everyone know that during the break she had spent the last two months going to rescue other dance studios that needed her help.

Awkward Pause.

Now I’m not telling anyone else how to do their job, but I’m thinking that maybe somebody in post-production might have wanted to bleep out that last little bit of dialogue since Abby’s Studio Rescue only stayed on the air for about 90 minutes before it got replaced by whoknowswhat.  Ouch.  Too soon?

Maddie also got to pimp out her SiaChandelier” music video performance before the Pyramid was finally revealed.  Which really wasn’t much of a triangle since it was everyone in one straight line with Chloe on the top.  She came in First Place at their last performance.  So you go, ChloeBird.

This week, both teams were headed to the Sheer Talent Competition in Wheeling, WV…which actually got a round of applause for some reason.  I have to assume that it was for the Sheer Talent part and not the West Virginia part.


Both teams would be performing group routines.  The newbies were taking it to church in honor of SlushPuppy Christee while the original girls would just be putting on their pajamas and having a Ouija Board sleepover.  Because clearly what we need right now is yet another Girl Party, right?

Speaking of.  Abby pointed out that MackZ was now the Universe’s #1 Pop Star, which may or may not have been news to Katy Perry…but, whatev.  It got her a solo up against tiny Sarah H., who I really like even though she always shakes like those little dogs with no fur when they jump out of the bath tub.

There was also some major dramz over whether or not Abby had checked with the judges after the last competition to try and knock Chloe out of First Place and give the trophy to Kamryn, who would no doubt have put it up on the shelf next to her two Grammy’s and seven People’s Choice Awards.

Eleven minutes into the show and this chick is already making me feel inadequate.

First up in the MomPerch was the NewCrew, where The Loud Church Lady immediately got into it with everyone on the couch.  I’m not really sure what happened, because I spent too much time trying to figure out what was going on with those new streaks in her hair.

They didn’t really look like she went to the Mall and got all her tips pulled through the cap.  They kind of looked more like the ones you paint on yourself and then let cure on your head while you finish the laundry.

As soon as the Original Moms climbed up to the top to join them, ChristEIEIO began throwing everyone else under the bus and then the whole thing just got messy.

By the time both Christies finished barking at each other I was starting to wonder how many more episodes it would be before somebody goes completely Dynasty Moms and tosses one of the New Carringtons down those narrow carpeted stairs, leaving them all crumpled at the bottom with their legs straight up in the air like bunny ear antennas.

(I hope somebody out there just got that joke.  One person even.  I don’t ask for much.)


And then it just went from Crazy to the umpteenth power of Crazy.

It all started with the New Moms (…minus Christy…) huddled around the front desk talking shizz with Abby.  They were (…hypothetically, of course…) trying to figure out how to replace little Sarah H. in the program when Mama Bear lumbered in and busted up the party.

I don’t even know what happened.  Tami yelled at Christy.  Christy yelled at Tami.  Tami yelled some more.  Christy said “Bite Me” which I don’t remember ever reading in any Bible verse in Sunday School, and then Tami just went bazoinkers.

I mean, like, off your meds bazoinkers.

She went for Christy.  Went.  For.  Her.  She even snatched the back of Tracey’s messy hair for no reason whatsoever and yanked it like she was on The Maury Show just to get past her and up into Christy’s face.

Then Christy acted not very Christ-y-ish and grabbed Tami’s throat right before some random guy in a striped Old Navy rugby showed up out of nowhere and started pushing them apart.  It went from Crazy with a ‘C’ to straight up Krazy with a ‘K.’

The front desk got trashed.  That wire grid display thingamabob even half fell off the wall right before my boy Director Jimmy swooped down like Superman and slapped a few bitches.  (…Well, not really.  But I’m still holding out hope for the premiere of Dynasty Moms.  You know I’m onto something with this one, Bro.  Hit me up on Twitter.)

The funniest part was that after all that commotion, the front desk didn’t look any different than it does on a normal day.  Don’t they have anyone on staff with organizational skills?

Go to the Container Store fercryinoutloud.  They’re having a great Back to School Sale.

By the time the fight was over, Christy had gone into Time Out in the stairwell, Tami had lost her pants and the rest of the New Moms climbed into one of those white Whole Foods delivery vans.

Seriously.  Did you see Tami?  Booty Booty E’rrywhere.  I was just thanking the Good Christ-y that there was no “Juicy” logo bouncing around back there.


I’m pretty sure that is was also right about here when Holly’s hair started to show a slight curl at the ends.  And, Gurrrl…you know what humidity and drama does to that weave.  Brace yourselves, America.  You might want to stock up on non-perishables and go to your Safe Room right now, because I have a feeling it’s coming soon.

Once the dust settled, the Original Moms started to do the math and realized that if the two smallest dancers on Abby’s new team were removed from the equation you’d end up with a teen category group that would no longer be up against the Original ALDC girls.

I see what you did there, Ms. Miller.  And so do your Moms.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Out back in the makeup room, all the drama continued to come from the New Moms this week while the Original Ones quietly peered over their lightbulb mirrors like meerkats do right before they bite you in the neck and drag you back down the hole.

MackZ got her face all painted up like one of Celine‘s Cirque du Soleil dancers, but without the long putty nose.  Christee didn’t like that either.  I’m starting to realize that she doesn’t like much.  Except yelling.  She really seems to like yelling.

MackZ’s solo went really well.  When she strutted off the stage all sassy and flapping her arms around it reminded me of when I wear new pants for the first time.  Werk.

Tiny Sarah’s solo was good, but still a little too much Puppy Bath Day shaking for me.  But I see potential.  She just needs to practice and stay warm.

And then Holly’s hair ticked up another notch.

The New Team came out with these amazing Testify church dresses accessorized with some fancy hair bow/hat things that probably cost more than my cable bill right as the Old Team slumped out of the shadows wearing those flannel PJ sets that always come packed with a bonus pair of matching rubberized footies.

Uh Oh.  Somebody with a PhD wasn’t liking it, mmkay?


Abby tried to justify it by stating that sometimes Life just isn’t fair and then followed it up with more classic ALDC ramblings, but I lost track of what was happening because the Original Christi suddenly bolted from her seat and jumped up on stage.

Really.  I swear that was her.  Because it was, right?  Or maybe it was Chloe.

But how much did Chloe look like her Mom with all that dark eye goop and angry head snapping?  I mean Whoa.  Just.  Whoa.

She looked amazing.  I don’t know if it’s a skill set or Abby’s constant beat downs or both, but Chloe really shines when she gets handed these Come Over To The Dark Side kind of dances.  She nailed it.

There were also two hip hop guys who carried the New Team’s church pew on and off stage and stuck around for some exposure.  Hope their Moms remembered to hit ‘record.’

Then some kids won some stuff.

Sarah H. shivered her way up to Fourth Place.  MackZ swiped First Place from both Sarah and Katy Perry again.  The Old Team came in Second in the group routines.  The New Team scored their second First Place trophy in a row.

And then Jill went off.  And it was awesome.

The whole thing ended when Abby came out from what appeared to be one of those metallic Star Trek Holodeck elevators and pretended to kick Chloe and Christi in the butt.

Pretty immature and uncalled for, but it did give Holly a chance to frizz her ends just a little more before Maddie started to cry.

Oy vey, I tell you.

Dance Moms is soooo back.


Dance Moms Girl Talk: Lock Up The Moms And The Boys, Because It’s A Girls-Only Night In The Clubhouse.

Wednesday, April 30th, 2014




I must have missed the memo during my video shoot. When did Blondie get her own talk show?






Girl…I’m not one to gossip, but let’s just say somebody was giving away candy in the 6th grade.






No. Srsly. You’ve got about three seconds to finally ask me one question or Imma gon’ flip this chair.






Laquifa What…? Not another Girl Party. Somebody please stuff me or get me outta here right now.






This is my ‘You All Wish I Was Coming Back To This Crazy Show’ Face. Wanna see another one?






No…really. Over here. I’m not joking. I’m being serious. How many fingers am I holding up?






Somebody better bring me some ice cream before I start throwing down with Audrey Hepburn.




Uh oh.

Honey, I shrunk the Dance Moms.

All of ’em.  Or at least I think that’s what happened, because everyone looks a lot smaller than they did at the last Reunion Special.

Turns out it was a Mom-Free Zone in the ALDC Clubhouse this week as only the tiny dancers were allowed inside for some Girl Talk.  Party dresses. sparkly stuff and bubble gum scented lip gloss as far as the eye could see.  But No Moms.

And definitely No Boys.

Which, according to Maddie, was because they were all over at Brooke‘s house trying to score a little sumthin sumthin.  But more on that one later.  Getting ahead of myself.

You know I have a love/hate relationship with these fluffy filler shows.  I prefer more MomMeat on the bone, thank you.  But it’s been a long time since I’ve gone to an all-girls sleepover, so I thought it might be fun to tip back a few juice boxes, channel my inner tweeny bop and talk about how OMG dreamy that One Direction boy is.

And you know which one I’m talking about.

My man Jeff Collins got the show started in his patented, uncomfortably charming Andy Cohen-wannabe way.  But without a tie this time.  Because you don’t wear a tie to a Girl Party.  Duh.  That would be totes magotes lame.

Since this was a Girls-Only situation, Jeff wasn’t even allowed in the same camera shots as the dancers.  Rules are rules.  So he was off somewhere else introducing each segment in front of a backdrop that was nothing but pink shelves and a million bottles of booze.  I swear.  Go back and look.


Didn’t anyone else think that was odd?  Or hilarious?  Or both?  I know the Moms like their vino, but I’m pretty sure they don’t bring it to their kids’ birthday parties.

The way this thing was going to go down was that Jeff would ask random questions that had come in over the internet and then the girls would answer.

Side note:  The fact that Twitter almost crashed when everyone in America immediately started tweeting out questions for the girls made me question the future of our country.

They’re not sitting their live on Skype, honey.  It was like when there’s a Facebook contest and everyone starts posting things without reading the rules.  Stop it.  I mean it.

Maddie, Chloe and Sasha Nia were the first out in the IKEA hot seats, sitting in front of what I imagined the Mattel Barbie trade show booth must look like during the International Toy Fair.  Part of me wondered if maybe Jeff was just on the other side filming his parts.

Q.  Maddie/Chloe:  Are you two rivals?  Some flashbacks with THE tiniest little Maddies And Chloes evah.  I forgot how much they’ve grown up.  I think they are both still friends, even though there were a few moments of exceptionally uncomfortable Snark between them that was pretty impressive for their young ages.

Q.  Chloe:  Does it bug you that Maddie is the favorite?  Chloe stated that she needed to accept the fact that she was Numero Dos, which then led into a flashback of that infamous scene where she actually beat Maddie for about ten minutes before Abby went to the judges table and got the scores adjusted.  Watching Chloe hand over the First Place trophy like she was returning a baby to its birth mother still makes me sad.

When they cut back to the girls just staring at each other on the set, Nia was all like ‘Guurrrrrrlllll Glad that wasn’t me.’  Snap.  How can you not love Nia?

Q.  Maddie:  Have you ever been yelled at by Abby?  Some rambling about not having a solo for three whole weeks and then a flashback to Abby telling her not to cry.  For a simple yes or no question, it took her awhile to spit out the answer.


Cut back to Nia pointing out that three weeks ain’t the end of the world, sistah.  To which Maddie responded with a snooty ‘Now I know how Nia feels.’  Yikes.

Needless to say, Jeff immediately jumped to the next question before Nia went all Laquifa on Maddie’s Breakfast At Tiffany’s head.

If you read that one a couple more times you’ll realize it’s hilarious.

Q.  Maddie:  How’z about that time the music stopped during your dance?  This one was pretty self explanatory.  They showed a clip of that time Maddie’s CD got all wonky in the middle of her routine.  Since I wasn’t really paying attention I almost called Xfinity to find out why the sound on my television kept cutting in and out.  The Audio Guy trying to wipe the disc clean on his sleeve was pretty professional.

Q.  Maddie/Chloe:  Your favorite duet?  The ‘Black Swan.’  It was Chloe’s favorite because she got to be the Bad Girl.  And kill Maddie.  So there was that awkward moment right before the two girls high-fived each other and left Nia hanging.

Q.  Why the hell is Nia even on the set and when are you gonna ask her a question?  She’s a Diva, dammit.  Apparently no one had an answer for that one.

Next up was Payton, who kicked Maddie out of her seat and then chilled on the set with Chloe and Nia.  Jeff assured us that Maddie would return, just in case the entire country was going to change the channel because there were no Zieglers on the screen.

Q. Payton.  Seriously.  Why do you keep coming back?  I think I asked that one about two years ago and still haven’t gotten a straight answer.

Then there was a long discussion on Drag Queens and flashbacks to all the lady boys that Abby keeps parading through the studio.  Like a RuPaul montage.  And it was awesome.

Watching Nia lose her nutty when Shangela Laquifa Wadley did her first Death Drop in front of the girls is still probably the best 3 1/2 seconds of the entire series.  It should be required viewing if you’re ever in a bad mood.  I’m surprised those two gigantic yellow hair things she was wearing didn’t pop off like Nerf balls.


We got to relive Nia learning how to drop it like it’s hot with both Shangela and then later in the ‘Pumps’ dance.  Holly had her old school marm hair, but she was still a proud Mama in the audience that day.  If we’d only known back then that Dr. Beyoncé was just lurking in the shadows waiting to strike.

Soon.  Soon…

When we cut back to real time, the three girls were exceptionally hyper and totally left Payton hanging on a high-five.  There was a lot of that going on this week.

Q.  What girl hasn’t been hurt?  I think they meant ‘physically.’  Everyone’s had their share of dings and doinks, but Chloe seemed to be the one who stayed in one piece the longest according to the Blooper Reel of trips and falls and backward whatevers into face plants.  That’s gonna leave a mark.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Remember those few months when Mama V hadn’t quite gotten a handle on her new hair?  Because that totally happened again in a couple of flashbacks.  Blonde Jill was back.  With a vengeance.  But no Bump-It.

Luckily my MomCrush is on point nowadays.  Whacky as ever and Jacking it to Jesus again.  (FYI…No disrespect.  That’s Pageant Mom talk for big hair.)  Love.  Her.

Don’t forget.  When my Christmas club saving account matures, we’re all hitting the Mall, Girlfriend.  Can’t wait to see Holly’s hair du jour when Sears gets ahold of her.

Q.  Payton:  What’s the dealio on that broken ankle?  I don’t think we’ll ever know what really happened that time a chair mysteriously jumped out in front of Payton, busting up her foot right before a competition.  It’s the stuff of urban legends.  But we got to see my new friend Leslie lose her s*** again, so it was totally worth a flashback.

Q.  Srsly?  The show is half over and not one Nia question yet?  Laquifa WTF?

And then Chloe either got really big really fast, or Mackenzie and Asia are a lot smaller than I realized, because the two of them looked almost bite-sized when they came out on the set.  Dat’s rite.  Asia Monet Ray was back in the hizzle.  And wired for sound as she gave AsiaFace and AsiaEyebrow and AsiaPouty Lips all over the room.

Baby she was born this way.


Q.  Mackenzie/Asia:  Are you friends?  What’s your favorite dance, Asia?  We got to see their sassy duet and then watch Miss Monet Ray go all Mr. Roboto.  Werk.

Not gonna lie.  Knowing that my girl Kristy Ray must have been somewhere in the building got me a little worked up.  Let’s Go!  Hit Me!

Q.  Mackenzie:  What’s your favorite part about Dance Moms?  The singing.

Wait.  What?

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t this a show about dancing?

Whatev.  Roll MackZ‘s new gangstah Girl Party music video.

I’m almost positive that none of these girls can drive yet, so they clearly used fake IDs to get into that VIP Ballon Lounge.  Trust me, if you’re already dealing with high blood sugar levels, I’m not sure if this video is really for you.  But it’s a definitely a Girl Party, fo’ sho.

Na Na Na Na Na Na.

Back to the set and a triple high-five.  And they all made contact.

Then we smoothly transitioned from all that madness back to Chloe, Maddie and Nia for the Hyland Memorial Service.

Q.  Your favorite Brooke Moment?  Favorite Paige Moment?  Hold up.  I know they left the show.  I remember that part.   But unless someone is illegally posting stuff on their Instagram accounts I’m pretty sure that both Brooke and Paige are still alive.

I’m glad they included the Hyland girls in the retrospective, because they were a big part of making this show what is today.  They actually gave them a pretty big chunk of time.  We got to see a whole bunch of Hyland clips, including Brooke touching her head to her butt and then using those same skills to break the hearts of every boy in Pittsburgh.

When Chloe mentioned that Brooke stole her first kiss back in the 8th grade, Maddie was quick to point out (…in the same way a gossipy old woman sitting on the front stoop in the middle of July would do…) that Brooke was actually locking lips in the 6th grade.

Ooooh, girl.  Ya nasty.  Hand me my fan.  Lawd, it’s hot out here.


We flashbacked to that dorky kid Brandon trying to put some killer moves on Brooke at the State Fair and then to that other dorky kid Kevin shoving pie in her face during a romantic night on the town.

Boyz.  Go figure.  And then go die single, please.

The girls finished up their Ode to the Hylands by remembering The Last Text’ dance.

Maybe I just watch too many soap operas, but I hope somebody eventually told Chloe that the car accident wasn’t real and that Paige was still alive, because the way she sobbed about never being able to have her dream double wedding now made me think Chloe’s been putting flowers on the wrong grave for the last few months.

If Kelly was watching this at home I bet she even got up to check their bedrooms.

Better safe than sorry.

And then Kendall finally came out.  But just long enough to get subtly grilled by Maddie (…“I thought Nia would get the cover of the magazine”…) and show us all how her Mom puts on lipstick while driving when she should have both hands on the steering wheel.  They didn’t give Kendall much time to shine this week.

Q.  Kendall:  Your favorite dance?  The duet with Maddie.

Q.  Chloe:  How do you like hosting your own talk show?  And what was your favorite dance?  I forget what the answers were, because they showed Vivi-Anne eating in the audience during a flashback and my head exploded.

Which made for the best transition ever.

When the angels sang.  And the heavens opened up.

And Vivi-Anne arrived.  

It’s true.  Maddie, Chloe and fan favorite Vivi-Anne closed the show.  Shut.  It.  Down.

Q.  How does Cathy’s kid not have her own show yet?

I love me some Vivi-Anne.  But I couldn’t remember if I’d ever actually heard her speak before, so I was on the edge of my seat waiting to see what was going to happen when she didn’t have a mouthful of tasty dessert.


First she did tricks.  Like raising one eyebrow.  And then made some faces, I think.

Chloe lobbed a few softball questions at her, like you might do to someone who had just come out of an extended coma.

Q.  What is your name?  Do you know where you are?  What year is it?  (I’m kinda lying, but not really.  This segment had to be seen to be believed.)

I could literally watch Vivi-Anne eat ice cream all afternoon.  I’ll bet you anything that under that stuffy nose and slo-mo head turn is the sharpest tack in the box.  When she takes over, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Q.  What was the highlight of being on this show for you?

Vivi-Anne:  Something was mumbled about her Mom and craft services.

Maddie:  Winning.  Duh.  Like Charlie Sheen, I guess.

Chloe:  Being in the LUX Music Video. 

I remember that!  Cue the video.

As LUX and Mini-LUX danced dangerously close to a wall of gigantic industrial fans, the show came to a close.  Girl Talk was over.

Q.  Really?  Without out one stinking question for Nia? 

It’s been quite a ride so far.  Three and a half seasons in and the Dance Moms Train shows no sign of slowing down.

The old Team is hanging on.  The new Team is nipping at their heels.

While some things change, others stay the same.

For now, everyone’s taking a quick breather to rinse out some leotards and put away the party dresses.  Maybe even do some homework or clean their rooms for once.

But Dance Moms will be back before you know it.  Don’t you worry.

Raise your hands if you already can’t wait.

gpTo be continued…

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