Posts Tagged ‘Tessandra Chavez’

Dance Moms: The Road To Nationals Ends Here. Don’t Let The Door Hit You On The Way Out…If You Can Open It.

Thursday, August 13th, 2015

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Imma need you to speak up a little. I can’t hear you over all the sweet bling on my iPhone case.

 

 

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This is the most ratchet Target I’ve ever seen. They don’t even have the grocery store part.

 

 

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How the #@!! does this stupid thing even work? Is it like a refrigerator door?

 

 

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“Nationals.”

 

 

 

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Oh, look. A head wrap. You might wanna get my agent on your crazy phone before I lose it.

 

 

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#NoMorePigtails.

 

 

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Imma let you finish, but that was one of the most F*** Up emcee jobs of all time. Gimme dat…

 

 

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#Push.

 

 

 

 

 

Finally.

Nationals.

Snuck right up on you, right?

It’s been a long, stressful journey to the finish line.  I don’t need to tell anybody that.

The Road To Nationals was fraught with screaming, crying, competing, quitting and then not-quitting, quitting and coming back, breakdowns, meltdowns, construction delays and enough frequent flier miles to transport all of us to the moon and back at least two times with no additional charge for carry-ons.

Not to mention that somehow there was still enough time to pet a few koala bears, launch two new pop stars into the TweenieVerse and for Kira Girard to get herself pregnant.

Yup.  It was a busy year on Dance Moms.

And now it all comes down to the Center Stage 2015 Nationals.

But no Drinking Game this week.  Sorry.

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I don’t want our younger readers to think that’s all the grownups do during this show.

Because that would be wrong.  Pretty close to the truth.  But still wrong.

And it wouldn’t be physically possible.  Or safe.

Let’s be real.  If you took a shot every time you heard the word ‘Nationals’ this week you wouldn’t have even made it through the “Previously on Dance Moms” and “Coming Up on Dance Moms” loop that ran before the opening credits.  Nationals:  Rinse & Repeat.

And no more photos of Abby in her bra, either.  I don’t even want to see that again.

Which brings us to the new ALDCLA studio space, which was a flurry of activity.

Abby Lee Miller was prepping the final Pyramid of Shame.  The Moms were clearly celebrating Black & White Outfit Day.  And the mysterious, never-seen construction crew was in the midst of another union-related work stoppage because that freakin’ place still wasn’t finished.  How is that even possible?

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With only 15 top spot wins in 25 competition weeks, Abby pointed out that those were not the kind of odds you’d want if you were going to bet on your pony down at the race track.

Side note:  The Big Money is actually on the big horses, not ponies.  Granted, you can still see pony racing at a few locations and on the State Fair Circuit.  And it is kind of funny to watch because from far away they look like a bunch of dachsunds just running in circles they’re so tiny.  But if you’re looking for that Trump Check…go for the big dawgs.

The More You Know.

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My MomCrush Jill was concerned that Abby’s recent erratic behavior might somehow negatively effect the team’s chances of winning their fifth straight First Place title at Nationals.  Mama V is pretty smart that way (…Spoiler alert:  Later in the episode she even does math…) but she was willing to give Abby the benefit of the doubt.  For now.

Jessalynn, on the other hand, wasn’t sure Abby even realized that her studio wasn’t completed.  Jess is a straight up hoot and should immediately be given her own spin-off to fill the void during the upcoming hiatus months.  Who do I call?

Assuming the place actually had a roof by Saturday, the Grand Opening of the ALDCLA Studio was scheduled for the same weekend as Nationals.

I know, right?  What could possibly go wrong?

Except everything, maybe?

Not to mention that they would once again be going up against Jeanette Cota and her team of top notch dancers, who had finally secured the proper notarized documentation to legally change their name from Candy Apples to Broadway Dance Academy.

Wait.  What?

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I miss Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her army of Apple Cores.

Especially this little nugget.

159157603dd2f4e278f6a980c398fabcAnd this little Candy Apples temp who gave the best WTF? in all five seasons.

gRemember when Lucas Triana mouthed off to my boy Gavin and GDawg was all like WhoaHoldUpWhatchooSayPunk? and then I started to come to his rescue but his Mama beat me to it like a Boss?

Sing it with me:  Don’t tug on Superman’s cape.  Don’t spit into the wind.  Don’t pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger.  And don’t ever call Jo Morales‘ kid a pissy little bitch.

Trust me.  She handled it.  Love her.

JoJo, Mackenzie and Kendall were all on the bottom row of the Pyramid, while Kalani and Maddie held down the Mezzanine.

Which meant that The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia was on the top!!

AAAAAAND scored a solo at Nationals!

Her first one!  Ever!

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After some discussion, of course.

Kira took issue with last week’s child judges and felt that scented markers and sparkle pens didn’t make for legitimate score sheets.  She thought Kalani should have a solo.

Holly felt Nia should have a solo.  Jill felt that Kira should just be quiet and have a seat, but since Kalani’s Mom was already plopped down in that white pregnancy/dental hygienist’s chair, Jill’s arguments against her were pretty much invalid before she even started.  And who only has one chair delivered at a time, anyway?  Wouldn’t it be more cost effective to get them all on the same truck?

This show.  I swear.

Long story short, you also don’t mess with MamaBear Frazier.  Here’s you solo, honey.

Maddie scored the other solo, which didn’t surprise anyone.  And the group routine, entitled ‘The Waiting Room,’ sounded pretty depressing.

We also got a quick flashback to the last four winning National routines, including fan favorites ‘The Last Text’ and ‘Amber Alert,’ which made me realize how tiny those Hyland kids and Chlobird and the remaining Original Recipe niblets were when this show started.

I mean…pipsqueaks.

So cute, tho.

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True Fact:  They’re all sitting on the floor because Mackenzie couldn’t walk yet and they didn’t want to make her feel bad.  I swear.  I totally Googled it on a made-up website.

As the now grown up (…too soon…) girls got to rehearsing, we scooted down the block to check in on Jeanette and her Broadway Candy Academy Company or whatever it’s called now.  Needless to say, the group routine was going to be a direct attack on Abby again, utilizing bullseye targets and sassy attitudes.

The ‘Myth of the Mermaid’ solo spot was going to Ava.  Because, you know…Ava.

Abby Grudge:  Jeanette rehashed the whole Skinny Girl Cocktail Praying Mantis leg thing and took the opportunity to focus Camera #1 on Chloe #2‘s ears one more time.

earsRelax.  As I’ve said a million times before…my ears are bigger than hers, so she’s got nothing to worry about.  Yes, I’ve found that sleeping on your side does help to flatten them out a little, but it really doesn’t matter when you’re an awesome sauce dancer.

And wind sheer is really only an issue if you’re a skydiver or the Flying Nun.  She’ll be just fine if she sticks to pirouettes.  Plus, her Mom is feisty and I like that.

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Back at the ALDCLA, the girls were working through the hospital waiting room theme of the group dance.  They even had a long row of those airport chairs that are always connected together and placed 6 inches too far from the nearest wall outlet.

Is it just me?  I hope operating rooms have better access to electricity than I do when my cell battery goes into the Red Zone.  It’s 2015 people.  Install some plugs or have your planes take off on time.

Did I mention that Abby took off to buy flooring?  Because she did.  Just like last week when she took off to buy flooring.  She’s either buying a s*** load of Lumber Liquidator planks or that place is only open one hour a day.  Jill was not happy and immediately subtracted 1 from 365 to prove that Abby had 364 other days this year that she could have gone shopping.

Vertes Math.

With two days to go, Gianna and her ombré tips took charge of the rehearsals as the Moms went next door for vegan smoothies and whatever else was listed on that gigantic window menu.  That place certainly has quite an array of snacks for a place that just opened.  Please tell me you saw that gigantic bowl of chips the Moms were noshing on.

Baby Mackenzie would so jealous.  She’d rather eat chips than dance.

chWhile the Moms were busy snarfing Pringles, Holly got a call on her cell from Jeanette.

C’mon.  Is there anyone out there besides me who doesn’t have Holly’s phone number on speed dial by now?  And you see that new case?  How can she even hear it ring under all that bling?  I can’t imagine what’ll happen the next time Mikey Minden calls, because I don’t think even a new iPhone 6 right out of the box can handle that much Faaaabulous happening on the exterior and interior at the same time.

Because Mikey is Faaaabulous, you know.

798dd3373a31d07f936eb68e7a6c1fcbThe call was basically just Jeanette being nosey.  And then she hung up.

Side note:  Check it out.  Holly holds the phone like a Real Housewife now.  You know she never did that when she was a principal, because they just don’t do that.  But look at her now.  You go, girl.  Tell NeNe who gon’ check you, Boo.

Mad love for Mama Frazier.  Can’t wait for her Oprah 2.0 talk show to premiere.

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Somewhere around here was also when Melissa stated that Maddie was the most famous 12 year old in the country, which could be true or nah.  I dunno.  Holly’s cellphone gave me such a headache that I forget what happened next.

Back inside the studio, Melissa tried to coax Maddie’s emotions to the surface during her solo rehearsal by asking her to remember the first person she ever knew who died.

Which made her think of Abby’s Mom, Maryann Lorraine Miller.  Which then made her ugly cry and go hug Abby while Kendall photobombed the shot.

kk 2And then…believe it or not…the ALDCLA Studio was finally ready for its Grand Opening.

I swear.

Melissa had clearly never seen anything so beautiful, because after she was done walking around like she was with the band…

vip…she went out back and made the same face you make when you see your Gym Crush in a sweaty tank top for the first time.  This face.

mz4And then this one.

mz5And isn’t that the same frame they had for the photo booth at Melissa’s wedding, just upside down and painted white?  Look at how crazy Christi looks.  We miss her and her partner in crime.  I’m not sure what’s going on with Jill’s hair, tho.  Maybe she wore a hat to the ceremony.  I wasn’t invited, so I could be making some of this up.  Or all of it.

Melissa_Wedding_tumblr_mlfg4nGY6F1reed45o1_500The place was a tweeny bop zoo, packed full of 12 year olds who may or may not have been more famous than Maddie.  Some of them were posing on the Red Carpet, so I’m gonna assume they must have their face on a lunchbox or something.

Do kids still use those?  I bet they’re not metal anymore.

Wilson Phillips even showed up at the event just to skew the age demographics and get Carnie Wilson one step closer to her goal of being on every single Reality Television show in the history of Reality Television shows.

Side note:  OMG.  Austin Mahone just broke up with Becky G after like two months of dating.  And you didn’t think I knew what the kids were up to nowadays.  Gurrrl, pleez.

tumblr_lq035oF2qT1qbnfoaFinally, it was Showtime!

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Red Bottom Louboutins and not much else.  Nationals, baby.

Backstage, Maddie was running through her number while Nia got strapped into yet another head wrap.  Just like the one she wore last week.  And the week before.  And every week prior except for that one week when Abby made her wear an afro.

LaQuifa What?

They_Call_Me_LaquifaNot that my girl can’t #SLAY a wrap, but enough is enough.  #WeGetIt.

Jeanette and her mermaid daughter walked into the room for some reason, too.  Probably because it’s Dance Moms.  And we don’t lock our doors.

Nia and her head wrap were first to hit the stage.  She nailed it, even when the music skipped ahead 30 seconds due to some blip in the Time Space Continuum.

tumblr_mloh92FtDe1rjxj9ko1_500Srsly.  How does this keep happening?  Especially at Nationals?

Next up was Ava and her mermaid performance.  I swear she gets taller every time she dances, just like Chloe used to do.  Her splits in the air are ridiculous.  So good.

This week Ava even got her own confessional headshot for the first time.  And head shots are way cooler than ALDC track jackets sometimes.  Look at how different she looks with long hair when she’s not doing those ridiculously amazing splits 10 feet up in the air.

avaThe final solo was Maddie’s ‘Someone Special.’

But not until Abby popped up in her own head shot confessional wearing an outfit that I swore I had seen somewhere before, but couldn’t place…

a2…until I remembered.  And then I was all like Oh.  Hail.  No.

Legacy-of-Star-Trek-Uhura(Feel free to pause here and admit that I totally nailed that one.  I’ll wait.)

Backstage, Abby once again hugged the air out of Maddie’s lungs while forgetting that Nia had even performed on the same stage.  I think she may have acknowledged her performance eventually, but by then I was probably too distracted by Mackenzie wearing pigtails…AGAIN…and couldn’t fully appreciate the moment.

Pigtails and Head Wraps.  And Drugs.  Just Say No.

Both group routines were powerful and well executed.  The Broadway Apple Dumpling Dance Academy flung that bullseye around like sharpshooters while the ALDC did everything but cut off Mackenzie’s pigtails in the Emergency Room.  Maybe next time.

And then the Awards were handed out and it all went downhill.  At warp speed, Captain.

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The emcee was some big guy in a white tuxedo who looked like the waiter who always gets killed first in a Sopranos mob hit.  I think this was his first gig, because he kept boning everything even though he had a script right there in his hands.

Nia took Second Place in the Teen Division, which was still amazeballs, given the amount of time she had to rehearse and the fact that she was wearing another head wrap.  But who really cares when your videos are melting youtube.

Then some person took First Place.  And then the same person won again in the Junior Division.  And then the waiter/emcee took her trophy back.  And then Abby lost her noodle.  And then Melissa lost her noodle because she was sitting too close to Abby when she lost her own noodle.

Imagine how it all went down by the time Maddie came in second to Ava and the whole Waiting Room Dance flatlined at Second Place.

What is this?  We need to walk out.

Abby.  Went.  Crazy.  Pants.

Crazy.  Stretch.  Pants.

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She started asking the ENTIRE audience if they paid to get in the building.  And if they did, they needed to ask for their money back.  It was fixed.  It was a mess.  She even motioned for the girls to exit the stage before the awards were over so they could all run out of the building like she just smelled smoke in the theater.

What the what was happening?

com-abed-realizationJill, Melissa and Kira bolted out the door with Abby and Gianna, leaving Holly and Jessalynn all alone in the front row with their mouths hanging open.  Who does that?

Everyone was running in every direction like I don’t know what.  Abby was so hysterical she couldn’t even figure out how to open the auditorium’s back door that was clearly marked with an EXIT sign and a gigantic push bar.

Bonus points to Gianna for just walking past her with her Louis bag and hitting the road.

One more second and I swear Abby was gonna go through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man.

Or this Muppet guy.  But in the other direction.

wall crashIt was a hot mess.

Holly didn’t even know what to say.  For a few minutes, anyway.

Then she had plenty to say.

n1Did I mention that Nia and Holly both had a lot of the same #Faces this week?

Because they did.

And then it was over.

For the day.  And the season.  And maybe for who knows how long.  This kind of chaos could have some serious repercussions in the Hollywood Hills.  With a new business that’s barely 12 hours old and a team in shambles, it’s anyone’s guess what lies ahead for the ALDC.

Maybe we’ll find out next week on The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh.

For now, take a deep breath.  We made it.

Nationals are over.

See you at the Reunion.

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Dance Moms: It’s The Final Solo Battle Before Nationals, So Somebody Better #SLAY This Thing Right Now…Or Else.

Thursday, August 6th, 2015

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#Janky

 

 

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Maybe because I’m FABULOUS, bitch. What exactly don’t you understand after all this time?

 

 

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Let’s just keep it real. With only one week left, technique is more important than whether they can breath or not.

 

 

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#Nationals.

 

 

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And technically, I’m pretty sure it’s not illegal in CA unless it’s a plastic bag with a big zip tie.

 

 

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Oh. My. Gawd. Get a snap of this big a** bow and then tell me I didn’t just die and go to Heaven.

 

 

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Nobody pushes my baby around. Except me today when she blocked my closeup in the video. Mama’s werkin’ here, honey.

 

 

 

And I quote.

“Our girls are so crazy.  Those crazy girls.”

Mikey Minden said it.  Not me.  I’m just agreeing with him.

And that pretty much sums up this week’s episode of Dance Moms if you need to leave now.  Thanks for coming.  Drive safely.

But if you can stick around, let’s get right to the deets…because there was certainly enough crazy (…Spoiler Alert:  And FAAABulousness…) to fill an hour.

Beginning right out on the sidewalk as soon as the credits rolled.

After some pregnant lady stuff almost knocked her off the show last week, Kira was back with the other Moms outside 3rd Street Dance, feeling much better and discussing their plan of attack for the final competition before…say it with me…Nationals.

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Using two thumbs and her invisible cell phone, Melissa asked Kira if she had seen any of the juicy dirt on social media about the upcoming weekend, because Erin Babbs and her dreaded MDP girls were coming back to try and steal another win out from under from the ALDC.  Needless to say, Kira was up to date.

Don’t you worry, Mel.  Even when she was being intravenously fed fluids through a tube in the emergency room, I’m pretty sure Kira had that other hand swiping through somebody’s Instagram.  She’s good like dat.

I did get a little bit of anxiety when I noticed that my MomCrush Jill was MIA, but it was quickly explained that she had returned to PA for a family graduation.  Kendall was still in California with the rest of the ALDC troupe (…her choice.  Jill didn’t forget her…) and Melissa was quick to let everyone know that she was in charge of the youngest Vertes in Jill’s absence, just in case any Twitter haters thought they could spin the situation into 140 characters or less on child abandonment.  Which was good to hear, because I’m sure somebody out there was already thinking it before Melissa even finished the sentence.

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Side note:  Speaking of.  Srsly with some of these Twitter peeps?  I mean.  I barely have enough time to watch this show and then recap it.  And I like all these little Dance Moms kids (…old AND new, thank you…) as much as anybody else.  But spamming and retweeting 1,000s and 1,000s of tweets and tweeting your hate tweets about how you hate little kids who hate tweet and making a secret Twitter club of grown a** adults who smack talk and hate tweet little kids who hate tweet?

We get it.  We know who your #ChoiceDancer and #CandiesStyleIcon is.  I like her, too.

But here’s a thought.  When you start posting more photos of a complete stranger from a television show than you do your own new grandchild…maybe it’s time to go off the grid.

I’m done with this subject.  Forever.  Or this week.  We now return to your regularly scheduled funny stuff already in progress.

And the good news for the rest of you?  That rant took up so much time and space that I don’t have room to post Abby Lee Miller in her racy lacy Lane Bryant bra this week.

ab1More than once, I mean.

The Pyramid of Shame was back again.  Was it just me or did those 6 tiny pictures taped to the gold bricks look like the first day in a Freshman dorm when you haven’t had time to decorate but can’t go to sleep in a strange place without at least one photo of all your BFFs wearing plastic New Year’s Eve 2014 glasses on the wall?

That Pyramid looked so lonely up there.

Kendall, JoJo and The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia were on the bottom.  Kalani and Mackenzie were in the middle.  And Maddie was on top.  Rinse and Repeat.

Q.  Has Abby been using the same Pyramid since Season Three?  Because, I swear.

Oh.  And the grand opening of the new ALDCLA was still on schedule for next week.

Good job, Bob.  You single?

abThis week, the gang was headed to Anaheim, CA for the Dance Kids USA Competition.

That’s the one from last year where little kids are the judges and the dancers get unicorn stickers and smiley face emojis instead of points.  And everyone drinks from those plastic glitter Target cups that magically keep your beverages hot or cold.  😍💋😍🐴😍💄😍

In the last Cage Match Battle before Nationals next week…

giphy-42…Nia and Kalani were going up against each other to see who would fill one of the sacred solo spots at Nationals.  Next week.

When Nationals takes place.

Kalani’s solo was entitled ‘Shades of Grey’ like the book (…but hopefully not as nasty…) while Nia’s was simply called ‘Bye, Felicia’ like Drag Queens and Real Housewives always say when you get up in their face like a stupid hoe.

Vicky_vox_bye_feliciaThe ‘Made In The Shade’ group dance was a DoWhatYouDoBest kinda number that would utilize what I believe were the same flimsy, frilly parasols they used in that cartoon part of Mary Poppins when all the penguins danced like Dick Van Dyke.

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Props.  Lord Almighty.  When will they ever learn?  Clearly, nobody on this show reads my blog.  Look at how crazy Melissa looks right now.

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As the girls got to popping their Umbrella-ella-ellas backward and forward into each other’s eyeballs, we scooted over to MDP to see what wassup with Erin and all those red head sacks.  Because that’s what she was using for her ‘Last One Standing’ dance.

Red fabric satin gift bags from the Dollar Store turned upside down and cinched nice and tight around the girls’ necks with about 75 feet of Evil Villain Cape flapping in the breeze like this guy from the Batman comic books:

redhood-b66-7_zpsbae4e813Erin even said the exact same thing.  Go back and watch that part.

With two days left before…you know…the ALDC umbrellas were a hot mess.  After three of them either broke or turned inside out within the first 8 count, Jessalynn called them “Janky” and I grew to love her even more.  She’s a freakin’ hoot.

True Fact:  The Oxford Dictionaries added the word “Janky” to their listings this year, so clearly JoJo’s Mom was ahead of the curve when this was taped.

Right around here was also when Abby gave a 20 minute dissertation on Kalani’s character for the dance that I completely spaced out on midway through.  It was something about Disco Dancer  Roseanna Roseannadanna from Saturday Night Live who broke the hearts of all these gay men at Studio 54 in the ’70s or something.  I dunno.

Honestly, I knew Mikey Minden was coming up next with Nia’s new music video shoot and I kind of lost my focus due to all the upcoming Fabulousness that was about to get sprayed in my face.  I had to emotionally prepare myself and put plastic on the furniture.

And then it happened.  And it was sparkle-tacular.  ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

Mikey did this a lot, while this other dude kept checking his texts…

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And then Mikey did it some more while that other dude tried rebooting his phone…

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The video was all like OhHeyGurrrrl

dragAnd Nia was all like Sup?

v2And then she was like…

v1And even like…

vMom Holly was so proud she even put on her Coachella hat again for some reason.

hatJoJo was a backup dancer in the music video and got to wear this ornamental bow contraption thingamabob that was so big that after filming she had to go outside and smoke a candy cigarette.  Because it was THAT good.  JoJo does love her BowBows.

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And her Miley Cyrus accessories.

No lie:  Carmen Electra even showed up to be in the video.

Not with this sense of urgency, of course…

CarmenElectra-Baywatch220…but in her defense, she was wearing a tiny Mad Max Thunderdome denim booty short ensemble kind of thing with the pocket flaps hanging out, which probaby explained why she couldn’t run very fast.  Because, you know.  You can’t really run with…those.

ce#CandiesStyleIcon.  Am I too late?

Side note:  Throughout the episode you never really saw Abby show any support for Nia’s blossoming musical career, but I also didn’t see anybody from Baywatch begging to run in circles with a pink umbrella, so…

tumblr_inline_n6msxhdIOr1sdq5iyJill Vertes Fashion Watch:  I think I forgot to mention that Jill came back from Pittsburgh with extremely toned triceps and some new hair.  That must have been a pretty awesome graduation party if you needed new extensions by the time it was all over.

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Side note:  In the ThrowBack Tuesday Special which aired directly after this DM show, Kendall made fun of Jill’s new Malibu VertesBarbie hair by making this face…

kk2…which is totally unrelated to the recap but funny.  Clearly, I heart Jill too much.

But at least I own it.

After a brief crafting session out behind the studio where all the Moms tried to MacGyver some dowels into sturdy umbrella exoskeletons (…did you notice that Holly was more than willing to help even though Nia wasn’t in the group number?  There’s no ‘I’ in ‘TEAM,’ people…but there’s a ‘FRAZIER’…) everyone headed back to the hotel to pack.

Finally it was Showtime!

The ALDC showed up carrying their open umbrellas because, you know…umbrellas, I guess.  Good thing their props weren’t park benches or that giant prison fence from two weeks ago, even though the MDP girls could probably have offered assistance and helped hoist them out of the bus after they finished doing their 100 push-ups in the hot sun.

Don’t ask.

Naturally, all the Moms from both sides came face to face outside the building and sniffed each other up and down like I dunno what circling a sand dune.  Jessalynn noted that all the MDP girls looked like cousins, which I believe was SiwaCode for something about inbreeding, though I could be mistaken.  But probably not.

Some random MDP Mom (…I have no idea who these women are, so we’ll just call her MDPM #1…) accused the ALDCMs of just being in it for the money and then somebody said something about Nationals again.

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Side note:  How much do we love these little judges?  They are IN.  TO.  IT.

jdgAnd you know those headsets aren’t even plugged into a transmitter, right?

It’s Britney, Bitch.

The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia was first up with her solo and she nailed it.  It was all jazzy, urban-y, Nia-y and everyone loved it.  Except for Abby, who just kept shaking her head and looking at her iPhone.

Kalani followed Nia with a dance that somehow interrupted Abby’s cell service long enough to get her undivided attention for the entire routine.  Abby even called Kalani “breathtaking” when the number was finished.

After the solos were completed, Abby snubbed Nia so hard that it made me squint while all the MDP Moms watched in delight from the sidelines in the back hallway.  I’m not sure what that was all about, or why you would want to do something like that in front of your competitors.

PS.  Holly made this #HollyFace a lot this week:

h1Then there was another commercial for that manic Dance Moms Slumber Party thing that has been going on for the last 29 weeks.  When are these kids finally gonna go to bed fercryinoutloud?  Some of us have to work in the morning.

Behind the scenes in the makeup room (…which all the Moms were putting to good use this week, BTW.  You see everyone buffing themselves back there?…) the MDP gang burst in to stir things up again.

Do none of these doors have locks?  How does this keep happening?

They didn’t stay long though, because the group routines were up next.

The MDP Red Hood Dance had the Red Hood WOW Factor, while the ALDC routine had Mackenzie’s umbrella doinking out a spike and almost puncturing the carotid artery on the left side of her neck.  At least she wasn’t wearing pigtails.

Check out this kid in the audience sucking down a Pixie Stick while random MDPM #2 gets #11 lines in her forehead by frowning too much:

wtfI miss Toddlers & Tiaras.  And Pixie Sticks.  In that order.

And then the little kid judges handed out One Direction buttons and honorable mention construction paper certificates made out of macaroni and glitter pens.

Solos:  Kalani came in 3rd.  Somebody that didn’t get any camera time came in 2nd.  And then Nia took home First Place.  Nia Sioux.  That one.

First Place!  For this kid right here, yo!  #SLAY.

n

Abby gasped in horror, but the way they edit some of this shizz lately it could have been a shot taken when a kid from another studio backflipped off the stage and went out on a stretcher in a neck brace.

omg

Or Abby could just be a hater.  Who knows.  I’ll let the #ChoiceDancer people deal.

Group:  Turns out the MDP girls cut off their own oxygen supply for no reason, because they ended up only taking home Second Place.  Which meant that the ALDC got back their mojo AND their First Place macaroni plaque all in one night!

Backstage, Abby hugged Kalani so hard she almost went to the emergency room with her Mom again as Nia and Holly just stood there and watched.  There was definitely not an even distribution of AbbyLove spread around the room this week.

And then the rules changed.

Again.

Just because Nia won First Place, it didn’t mean that she would be doing a solo at Nationals.  Even though those were the rules 59 minutes ago when the show started.

Solos were still up in the air.

In one week.

At Nationals.

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See you then, suckahs.

Lord Almighty.  I’m out.

mh290

Dance Moms: Who’s Yo’ Baby? When It’s Only Two Weeks Until Nationals, Someone Has To Deliver The Drama.

Thursday, July 30th, 2015

mmz

 

 

Or I could just snap her neck right now and settle this whole solo thing before we even order lunch.

 

 

kg

 

 

It’s 200 degrees out, I’m pregnant and I’m sitting on untreated plywood. You really want to start with me again today?

 

 

jb

 

 

Psssst. Can you tell who’s dancing right now? I can’t see a damn thing behind this big a** Bump-It.

 

 

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“Nationals.”

 

 

np

 

 

 

Yeah, Hi. I need to know how to stop a guy from posting photos of my dance teacher in her bra.

 

 

jm

 

 

How ’bout you save some room for the cake? I’m not going to Costco if you’re not gonna eat it.

 

 

kk

 

 

Seeing my Mother do a cartwheel in a skirt on national TV. Guess I can check another one off my Bucket List.

 

 

 

Who knew?

Nationals are coming up again.  And in two weeks, apparently.

Or at least that’s what I gathered from the latest episode of Dance Moms, because everyone was sure talking about it a lot.  And I mean…a lot.

Which I guess means it’s a pretty big deal.  So let’s not waste any valuable time.  Just grab your high-end designer dance bag, stenciled ALDC logo Drinking Game shot glass (…or plastic Asia Monet Ray sippy cup if you’re under 21…) and some form of protective chapeau in case you bump your head and let’s get this party started, shall we?

It’s The Road To Nationals.

You know the rules by now.

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As all the Moms and Kids wandered into at a vaguely familiar back alley location, it was clear that this was going to be a week of change and progress for all our temporarily displaced Pittsburghians.

You heard me.  Actual progress.

Most notably, the arrival of the Official ALDCLA 1-800-Got-Junk? Dumpster, which signified that Abby Lee Miller‘s first step towards World Dance Domination was now one trash receptacle closer to becoming a reality.

It’s true.  Somebody was actually throwing stuff out.  Which meant that the new LA studio was real.  And almost completed!  Good job, Bob.  Took you long enough.

bob

I’ve never seen so many people so excited to see a dumpster since that episode of CSI:Miami where they found all the missing bodies that were supposed to have been eaten alive by swamp alligators during Spring Break.

It was the Big Reveal.  The ALDCLA Studio was actually happening.

And now it was time to check it out.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  My MomCrush did a cheerleading cartwheel in a skirt and somebody had to blur out her 1-800 like it was Melissa‘s mouth.  If I smoked, I would be outside behind that dumpster having a cigarette right now.  That will be all for today.

The girls went ba-zonkers when they saw the new studio, which really was pretty slick.  It had that light colored wood flooring you always see on the cover of Hamptons Magazine and brick walls painted the same color as Donald Trump‘s toilet.

Side note:  FYI for the Internet Gamers out there.  Wherever they are placed, walls made out of gold bricks immediately stop your enemy from spawning and can be used to build houses, castles, barricades and dance studios, I guess.

Hilarious, when you put it into Dance Moms context.  Right?

n

The Road To Nationals:  I can’t keep up with this one any more.  This week it was Two Weeks To Nationals, which we’ll just refer to as “2W2N” going forward, since there is no way I’m typing that whole sentence out every time one of these women says it.

Not happening.

tumblr_mfpr904wdD1rysluto1_500As the girls ran in circles strapping on yellow iParty hard hats, Melissa got a little touchy-feely with two of the construction guys for some reason.  Sam and Chris didn’t seem to mind, tho, since they got free advertising for their flooring company.  You’d swear Mama Z thought this was her own new home being revealed on HGTV for the first time.

Am I wrong?  Dial it down, ma’am.  They already handed out the Emmys.

As for the ALDCLA, Abby announced that the goal was to have the new studio open and up and running in two weeks.

Just like Nationals…

giphy…which concerned Jill, because she knew how Abby gets when it comes to multi-tasking.

Abby’s concern, on the other hand, was that none of her team had improved their technique since last year’s final competition.  And how is that even possible?  Other goals?  Other interests?  Blinded by the lights of Hollywood?  Hmmm.

But that would have to wait until the Pyramid of Shame, where Kalani, JoJo and The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia found themselves commiserating at the bottom, while Maddie and Kendall hung out somewhere in the middle.

Which meant that Mackenzie (…is she legit not MackZ anymore?…) made it to the top.  And that’s about as quickly as Abby went through the lineup.  Game over.  Moving on.

This week, the gang was headed to Spokane, WA for another Sheer Talent Competition.

Kendall, who had beat out JoJo in last week’s ALDC Battle For The Solo Cage Match, would be going up against Maddie this time for a spot at Nationals.  JoJo, as you will recall, had spaced out and forgotten her entire routine at the last competition, but it really doesn’t matter because her Mom has the best SideEye on the show.

Srsly.  Jessalynn Siwa Hilarity Scale:  I’m afraid her eyeballs may stick like that some day.  She makes me snort.

Here she is giving SideEye while calling 911 on her imaginary cell phone:

js

Love.

Mackenzie was also assigned a solo this week, entitled ‘Bat S*** Crazy,‘ which made everyone laugh and get (bleeped) out.  Not sure how I feel about parents always swearing around their kids, but Mackenzie’s face was so F***ing hilarious that everyone got a pass this week.  Her solo also had something to do with getting a spot at Nationals, but she wasn’t going up against her sister, mainly because I can’t do Dance Math.

The group routine was based on the movie Bridesmaids.  Figure it out.

With only two days to go before Sheer Talent, the girls were hard at work always being bridesmaids while the Moms sat around the perimeter wall on the same un-sanded plywood risers they use to display terra cotta plant pots in that seasonal part of Home Depot that you can never get to when it rains.  You see that set-up?

I realize the whole thing is still a work in progress, but you know how the Moms like to slide in and out of position without setting down their Starbucks and Sidekicks.  I hope Lifetime is footing the bill for everyone’s tetanus shot, cuz that’s gotta hurt.

NEWSFLASH:  Kira is pregnant!  With a baby.

kg2Pregnant!  But not married, as Melissa was quick to point out.  Or even engaged, as Melissa was quick to point out.  And maybe, but probably not (…or maybe yes…) living in Sin, as Melissa was also quick to point out.  I dunno.  But Kira was definitely pregnant.

Five months pregnant, actually.

And definitely staying cool in all the shade Melissa was throwing her way.

I love this show.  And Melissa.

Doctor’s note:  Turns out that Kalani’s Mom has had complications with her pregnancy, which would explain all the screaming and yelling and raging hormones during the last few Abby vs. Kira throw downs.  Like the one where this happened…

ab1

So to recap:  It’s 2W2N.  And the 4W you’ve seen Abby in her ALDCDDD bra.

Dance Moms:  The Gift That Keeps On Giving.

ab1And Giving.

I’m done.  I swear.  At least until I mail out this year’s holiday card, that is.

xmas

Now I’m done.

As Melissa, Abby and Jill planned out Kira’s Baby Shower (…did we miss an episode or something, because didn’t they all hate each other last week?…)  Holly and Nia Sioux received an absolutely Fabulous phone call from the Fabulous Mikey Minden who was off at some undisclosed location just being Fabulous.

Long story short…Mikey had just scheduled Nia’s next music video shoot.  Abby tried to eavesdrop on the call.  JoJo was asked to be a back-up dancer.  Melissa and Jill seemed to be less than supportive, but I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt because party planning is a pretty stressful occupation when you’re new in town and don’t know a good cake shop.  And Mikey was Fabulous.

The next day, Mackenzie was having trouble being Bat S*** Crazy, which is pretty ironic given her surroundings.  So she cried.  And Abby called her a 10 year old baby.  And then Melissa got (bleeped) out again.  And then Mackenzie cried again.

Kendall’s Radical Red Riding Hood Routine (…say that 10X fast…) involved a flying head scarf as a prop.  And you know how well this show does with props.  So you might as well just leave that one on the floor and work on your spins, honey.

Maddie, on the other hand, did NOT get a prop for this week’s competition.  Which, according to my MomCrush, left zero room for error with the judges and pretty much guaranteed Sia‘s BFF a spot at Nationals.  Which were in two weeks.

9bef607a18aa859bb870c1a0bce764f1.500x275x8Side note:  The Moms finally got a blanket to sit on.  Nobody said it, but you know it was Holly who made someone go get one at Bed, Bath & Beyond.  It would be one thing if she was still wearing pull-on principal pants, but now that Dr. Beyoncé is a fashionista…Girl, pleez.  Protect that investment.

Side note Two:  Holly does NOT carry around an afro wig in her purse.  Never has.  Never will.  That debate was finally cleared up once and for all during this week’s bonus #ThrowbackTuesday Holly & Nia Variety Hour which aired immediately after the regularly scheduled episode.

Not that anyone other than Abby ever thought she did, of course.  But have you seen the size of that Louis bag?  Mama’s got something good in there.  You just know it.

And then Abby noted that it was only 2W2N.

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Finally, it was Showtime!

Aside from winning First Place, everyone’s biggest concern this time around was finding a cake table for Kira’s impromptu baby shower.  And maybe finding Kira, who was MIA as the bus pulled up to the curb.

According to Kalani, her Mom was headed to the hospital.  Just as a precaution.  For some pregnant lady stuff.

Did I forget to mention that Kendall only got a little red head scarf for a prop but Maddie got an elaborate Cirque du Soleil costume that did everything but light up and blow fireworks for her solo routine?  I may have forgotten since I almost didn’t notice.

But Jill noticed.  Oh, yeah.  She noticed.

Right before Abby announced that it was only 2W2N.

giphy-1Mackenzie was first out on stage.  Second, actually.  Her music started before she got there.  Not sure how that happened.

mAt first she was kinda cute with her little Halloween BatEars and BatTumble shtick that she does every week, but then all of the sudden she got all like…

tumblr_m212paEGuo1qbjy8co1_500…and it went from being just plain BatS***Crazy to pretty BatCool.

Side note:  Did we ever figure out what happened to that one missing judge?  Did you see the #EmptyChair that stayed #Empty throughout the entire competition?

That was #Random.

mdd

Maddie followed with her Living Oak Tree Dance and then Kendall rocked her RRRHRoutine until she dropped her scarf on the floor, just like I said she would.

Props.  Go figure.

And then Kira showed up, so I guess her pregnant lady stuff wasn’t too serious after all.

Unless she knew there was gonna be cake, I mean.  Because if I knew there was cake involved, I’d drag my IV Drip against traffic, straight up Hollywood & Vine just to get me a slice.  But maybe that’s just me.

The last ALDC performance was the group dance, which they nailed.  If you’re getting tired of The Road To Nationals Drinking Game, we could probably change it to the Mackenzie In Pigtails Again Drinking Game if you’d prefer.

Because that needs to stop immediately.

I’m serious.  Pigtails and Ugg Boots.  Just stop.  I’m not even joking anymore.

Side note:  At some point in the show, Nia made this face.  Which was hilarious.

niaI swear.  I don’t know where she gets that sassy attitude.

h2As for the Awards:  Mackenzie took First Place in the I’m Not A Baby Anymore category.

Maddie took First Place in the other one, followed by Kendall in Second Place.  And the Bridesmaids swiped First Place right out from under everyone else.  Pretty much a clean sweep.

Which totally called for cake.  And the cutest little ALDC onesie evah.  Kira definitely hauled in some quality goods at her backstage baby shower.

She even got in a food fight with the girls.

kg1But the fun was short lived.  All of the sudden everyone started arguing about who was going home and who was staying in California and how Melissa could possibly have two different departure dates for the same Hawaiian vacation.  I’m not even sure what that was all about, since I’m too poor to ever go to Hawaii.

Everyone was talking at once and it gave me anxiety.

And then it was over.

That fast.  Just like that.

2W2N, people.

Count ’em.

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