Posts Tagged ‘The Tiara Twins’

Toddlers & Tiaras: You Really Stepped In It This Time. Shovel And Sparkle At The St. Louis Me And My Pet Pageant!

Sunday, October 16th, 2016

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Imma ’bout ready to slap a weight limit on some of these Mamas and put ’em back in the cage.

 

 

maracy

 

 

I accidentally used pixie stix instead of Splenda and now I swear a monkey is eating my face.

 

 

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I deducted 2 points because her hair was bigger than mine. Mama don’t play, little girl.

 

 

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I just want a drink that doesn’t come in a damn sippy cup. I can’t believe it’s not even 5 o’clock yet.

 

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I usually just watch paint dry, but I’m getting a better buzz off all the Aqua Net in the ballroom.

 

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No. I swear. The poop was literally THIS big and there were only Pageant Moms in the room. Not one animal.

 

kly

 

 

 

I’m gonna shut this stupid blog down if he calls my boobs ‘Tiara Twins’ again. I don’t forget nuthin’.

 

 

 

So.

Couple things before we get started.

One.  Yeah…I know.  I messed up last week and didn’t get a recap posted in a timely manner.  Like maybe not at all in a timely manner.  I know.
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My bad.

And I feel bad.  I swear.  And this is me feeling bad last week when I got my first #HateTweet that wasn’t related to Dance Moms.  Look at how crooked my crown was.

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And now this one is late, too.

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But I’m still waiting for that first TLC check to show up in the mailbox, which ain’t happened yet…so until the cable company takes snark and sparkles in trade for high speed internet, Imma have to show up at work once in awhile.  Not my first choice.  Or even my second.  But it’s a lot easier to write these recaps…even the late ones…when the electricity doesn’t get shut off at the end of each month.

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Two.  Who the hell is this chick and how’d she get my gig?

gigThree.  For all you up and coming bloggers and journalist types:  See what I just did there?

In the first 299 words, I snuck in two totally unrelated Dance Moms gifs to keep the DM fans happy and distract them from the fact that I’ve been an even bigger slacker on my Lifetime Television duties.  I basically told TLC to hire me without having to go through the hassle of figuring out their website and updating my LinkedIn page.  I probably offended that OMG! Moments lady, who I’m sure is very nice when she’s not stealing other people’s jobs.  And I even made certain that Abby Lee Miller‘s deceased dog (…who was stuffed and mounted after passing from this Earth, BTW…) was clearly visible in the montage so I could transition seamlessly into the latest episode of Toddlers & Tiaras.

The Me and My Pet Pageant.

Because that’s how it’s done.

And that’s how I do, mmkay?

Make that 3 Dance Moms gifs.

Spoiler Alert:  Unfortunately, there were no #NisaHooperSightings this week.

None.  Which was not cool.

So here’s one.  And it’s even pet-related to keep with the theme.

Please watch and enjoy as Nisa Hooper literally steals the crown off a small child’s head and tries to stick it on top of her alien dog with the light-up laser beam eyes because they don’t have pet pageants on whatever planet light-up laser beam eye dogs come from.  No wonder Nisa wears shades.

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I love Nisa.

And she gives me very little crap considering that I’ll go to my grave swearing my internet girlfriend Cambrie Littlefield is #Goals.  Because she is.  The #Goals part, I mean.

The internet girlfriend part is a work in progress.

Oh hey, Gurrrrl.

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Look at how long Production made her sit in that gazebo chair.  It’s dark outside now.

cnightSoooo anyway.

I guess we could get started now.

To celebrate their Top Spot win at last week’s pageant, the full Cambrie’s Court contingent headed to the local Water Park for some fun in the sun and free advertising on danthatscool.com.

Check’s in the mail, I’m sure.

cowbThe entire park was shut down so Miss Cambrie and her little kids and her even littler bathing suit top could all slide down the chute and have some old fashioned splash time before heading back to the studio to focus on this week’s competition.

Look at all that right there.
sb1#Goals.  Whether you’re going to the Water Park or Coachella with the Kardashians, I guess.

Just #Goals.

And look at how excited my Boo Jayliana was to find out there was no line for the slide.

sbSpring Break, baby.

They didn’t show it on TV, but there was one part where Cambrie forgot one of the kids at the Water Slide and had to run back to get her all like this…

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Bonus:  Here’s Mama June going down the Mac ‘N Cheese Slide.  Because she can.

mjslidemaccheeseAt this week’s Me and My Pet Pageant, the biggest competition for Cambrie and her pack of princesses was going to come from some familiar faces to all you long term T&T-ers.

Dat’s rite.  They’re baaaaack!

Alycesaundra and Giavanna.  The Tiara Twins.

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 And Mom Kelly Lyerly.

kl1And Dad Ron, who we last saw dressed up as one of the Village People for some reason.

rYou remember them all from Original Recipe Toddler 1.0…right?

Mom was put on Earth to groom children for pageantry and to call Dad a moron 24/7.  The girls were put on Earth to be ridiculously cute and f*** up my Macbook spellcheck so bad that that hard drive fan turns itself on every time I type their names.

Back in the day, Lyerly & Co. all had gigantic personalities and gigantic bodyguards and a gigantic farm and a gigantic bus with the kids’ gigantic faces shrink-wrapped all over it like they were running for public office.  Remember how they would pull that monster rig right up to the Ramada curb like it was Madison Square Garden and pour out with 47 suitcases, a bunch of goats and one turkey?

toddlers-tiaras-lamb-chops-and-doggies-and-sn-l-ulyvp7Because pet pageants were kinda their thing back then.  They won the last two.

And they were gunning for win #3 this week.

Side note:  Three years ago, Mom ‘fessed up to spending upwards of $500,000 on all this goodness.  I don’t know what kinda magic cows they’re milking down at that farm but sign me up.little_rascals_moneytossFor this year’s pet pageant, they decided to head to one of those places where you can bid on live goats instead of taking your chances on eBay.  I forget which girl wanted to bring a goat on stage, but given their history with turkey and peacock props, moving forward without poultry seemed like a good idea.

Look.  This one is already wearing a Pashmina, which should make Kelly happy.  Cuz she’s fancy.

goatNumber 9422 and Number 9456 seem nice.  I like them.g3Number 9422 seems to like Number 9456, too.

g2Don’t look, honey.  ag2

As traumatizing as that was, there was also a scene where they made one of the girls hold up a piece of paper showing the dollar amount that they were spending on her pageant gown, which I thought was rather odd considering that this was a live goat auction.  But in all honesty I’ve never been to a glitz pageant or a live goat auction or a glitz pageant with live goats in attendance, so maybe that’s just how they roll.  Regardless, at the end of the day Lyerly & Co. owned a new baby goat.2318Time to restock the shelves.

g2To cleanse the palate and get the sting out of our eyes…sun

…we headed back to Vegas to meet 10 year old Kailia and her rather alert Mom Marcy.
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Mom got a little animated when describing how little Kailia turns from a sleeping puppy into a crazy little monkey.  Just a little animated.  Like seizure animated.m3monkeyclmclm2

Let’s be honest.  Only one of these monkeys is actually crazy and it ain’t the one in the ruffles.gif-monkey-smile-940834Marcy was so whacky that I immediately had to put her on my holiday card list.  Some people online felt that Kailia’s Mom was slightly bug-eyed, but it’s all relative, right?tb

Tonya Bailey.  Queen.  Don’t even argue with me on this one.

I didn’t quite catch where she met them, but at some point on her cross-country Crazy Monkey Tour a few years ago Marcy had discovered this couple who did nothing but yank on kids like this… giphy-3

…and this…

giphy-2…and even this…

stretchstretch2Those are Kailia’s feet, BTW.  Up where her arms are supposed to be.

Thankfully, Cambrie showed up at the front door before I got a visual charlie horse.41-frozen-katie-lopez-facciamo-un-pupazzo-insiemecdoor

Except she got locked out of the house and was all like…

c7699d00b4ed4e13075bcfc16642b022cdoor2“Bitch, I know you’re in there.”

Take aways from this scene:  Cambrie has a friend who has a monkey, because of course she does.

Unfortunately, the monkey’s agent had double booked him for the upcoming weekend and now Kailia was going to have to use a dog dressed up like a monkey to do God Knows What at the pageant in two days.

We should probably also point out that Cambrie’s hairdresser friend Mykel Baca gets double booked a lot.  And that we’ve never actually seen Mykel and a monkey in the same room at the same time, so…

Just pointing out the facts, ma’am.

Next up:  The Battle of the Blonde Chicks.

Meet 7 year old Callyn and her Mom Amber.

Callyn sat on a boulder that was wearing a crown and Mom took two sips of a cocktail and lost her shoes.

crown shoes2You can’t even make this stuff up anymore.

We looooove them.  Callyn had a ‘secret pet’ for this week’s festivities that was gonna rock our world, but she wouldn’t let us in on the poop scoop just yet.

You’re just gonna have to hold your (…Spoiler Alert…) striped horses for a few.

FYI, Amber has a sister Alysha whose 7 year old daughter Emily also does pageants.emilyash

Do the math:  Sibling Rivalry.  Especially since Emily wins more than Callyn does.

Side note:  You just know that lamp’s not plugged in.

And who leaves a 7 year old all alone on a bachelorette party bus?

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No wonder she’s so excited.  That is way better than any stupid monkey.  #TotesJealz.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And Pageant Director Jill Worley puts on a show, yo.

Look at all that sweet loot.  Those are some pretty awesome blinged-out crowns, even though the elephant kinda looks like a vacuum cleaner.  We love Jill.stashAnd where else can you find spray tanned legs, a bronze monkey butt and a pig in a stroller all in one place?  It’s like THE best Pier 1 Imports evah.  Jill don’t skimp on the decor.pig Look at how terrified that dog is, tho.dogEven the judges’ table got pimped out with snacks.

Look at how much fun that judge with the giant hair at the very end is having.  And look at how thirsty the middle judge is…that is one Mega Ultimate Supreme Big Gulp.  And how about poor judge #3 pretending she doesn’t hear the other two talking about her while she plots revenge?

jtableI swear the judge with the giant hair looks so familiar.

Side note:  Since this is another 2-part episode this week, we’re gonna have to skip over some of the hilarity and save it for next time to speed things up a bit.  Things like Ron Lyerly’s glitter #DadJeans, maybe.  The ones with his kids’ faces appliquéd on the butt that perfectly coordinated with his pink J.Crew shirt.  And his gelled hair.  Because I just can’t right now.ron90dab38819536415230e6158570ab616Lyerly = Life.  Because that’s what they’re giving me right now.

Side note:  Kelly said that their pig is named Kim K.

pig2 So there’s that.

Naturally, it wouldn’t be a pet pageant without major drama.

Cambrie’s Plan B didn’t work out very well.  The Dog Monkey never showed up so she had to call a friend at the zoo to get something else put on a flatbed and shipped over asap.  Because Cambrie has a local zoo in her speed dial.  Because she’s Cambrie.  #Goals.

Emily was first up in Beauty.

And then the judge’s critique.

Ladies and Gentlemen.  I give you Jessica McClamroch.

689df2564a90bab01983f5c4d6c9f7bfI knew she looked familiar!

j3She is one of my all-time favorite Moms EVER from Toddler 1.0…’member her?

jessShe’s the one with the big a** hair who didn’t want America to think it was all nasty up in here when a fly started buzzing around her house during taping.

j5Hashtag:  LoveHer.

And her hair and her judging game were on point this week, lemme tell you.j6 tumblr_njufggv7ly1rarhivo4_500j159f8206c2920826b29caf79e486ab447 j4 tumblr_njufggv7ly1rarhivo5_500jThe rest of the Beauty portion kinda flew by after Jessica’s appearance.

And let’s be honest, since they legally couldn’t give a prize to Mrs. McClamroch, it’s probably gonna go to Giavanna for that yellow Miss America gown.  You see dat thang?  Dang.14568072_1215074351847700_4265855368280907370_nI mean.  C’mon.

Even Cambrie was all like…tumblr_lq035of2qt1qbnfoaMiss Cambrie knows pageant beauty when she sees it.

And then the s*** hit the fan.  And the floor.  Literally.

Callyn unveiled her secret pet and Mom Deb was not liking it one bit.

tumblr_lk9wlnsslj1qi4ns0o1_500A zebra?  Really?  In a hotel?

debThe email clearly stated that there was a 40 pound limit and the animal needed to be caged until taking the stage and could not be shipped in a wood crate across the ocean from Madagascar even if it did know how to do the Running Man.85042-zebra-dancing-gif-imgur-bvf2

And excuse me.

If they knew you could break the rules, then Deb and Jayliana would have just brought their damn horse Bourbon, who is apparently so awesome that Boo had to say his name 3 times with attitude.
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Not really sure what that was all about unless she was just mimicking Mom.

40-1I think I’m starting to love these people a little too much.

And then the rest of the episode just collapsed into pigs and goats and poop and poop and goats and pigs and people stepping on it and over it and nobody wanting to pick any of it up even when Jessica’s 3 year old flies started circling around it like an All You Can Eat Buffet.

jessYou got that right, girlfriend.

Oh.  And they also showed the hotel manager upstairs real quick.

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And then it was over.

To be continued…

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Toddlers & Tiaras: Pop It. Lock It. And Lose It. The Hollywood Starz Hip Hop Pageant Is Da Bomb. Just Ask Thalya.

Saturday, October 12th, 2013

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Dude. I gotta tell you. These pixie stix are way better than any of that s*** we had in the ’60s. I’m still straight buzzin’.

 

 

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I had no idea that African cheetahs invented Hip Hop either. But look who’s wearing a crown now, honey.

 

 

ty3

 

 

They’re lucky my blood sugar is low or I’d go right back inside and get all Jerry Springer on someone’s a**.

 

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Like what you see, ladies? Wait ’til they start cranking some Eminem. Trust me…the bus ain’t the only thing super-sized.

 

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Seriously. These bitches are trippin’ harder than we ever did at Woodstock.

 

 

ty1

 

 

 

Imma big stinkin’ 24 year old woman who’s been sniffing hair spray all day. You really wanna do this right now?

 

 

m1

 

 

The whole day was rather uneventful until my hair lady lost it and the Tiara Twins’ bus driver took his pants off.

 

 

jb1

 

 

 

She needed much bigger hair, but I’m not saying a thing. You saw that chick in the parking lot. She’d f*** me up.

 

 

 

I think MC Hammer said it best.

“I’ve toured around the world, from London to the Bay

It’s Glamour, Go Glamour.  Toddler Glamour.  Yo, Glamour.

And the rest can go and play.  Break it down.  

Stop.  It’s Glamour Time.”

Dat’s rite.  Listen to these dope beatz and learn how it all went down in Jersey, yo.

Toddlers & Tiaras was mixing it like a DJ and scratching it like they had a bad rash this week, all courtesy of the Hollywood Starz Hip Hop Pageant.  Because we all know there’s nothing a preschooler likes more than glitter and gangstah rap.

Held in picturesque Fairfield NJ, the competition was (…Spoiler Alert!…) only a short Path Train ride or a 2 day walk in traffic with no water back to New Yawk City.  And it was gonna bring out the confidence and swag in every contestant.

At least that was the plan as Director Jonel Stanek laid it all out for us.

Of all the Pageant Directors that have graced the T&T screen over the years, Jonel was definitely one of the most low key and normal.  Very nice and polite, but unfortunately she barely even ticked the CrazyMeter.  I was not happy.

I mean, if my girl Tonya Bailey can rock a Swarovski eye patch on Pirate Day and lick a Rainbow Bright lollipop like a porn star on whatever day that was that she licked the Rainbow Bright lollipop, not to mention my other girl Annette Hill backing dat thang up on MotownDay, the least Jonel could have done was pop in a grill or something.

It’s Hip Hop, fercryinoutloud.  If she didn’t want to stick anything in her mouth, she could have rocked a Flava Flav clock around her neck or something.  You can buy them at Bed Bath & Beyond for next to nothing if you use that coupon they’ve been sending me in the mail every seven days for the last four years.

When it was all said and done, Jonel didn’t really tell us anything that we hadn’t already read in TV Guide at the grocery store.  But at least she got to show off her new green one shouldered Wilma Flintstone dress.  So there was that.

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Our first little princess was 5 year old Devin and her Mom Darci.  They were full of peace and love.  And probably feeling pretty groovy, too.

Mom and Dad Kevin were hippies.  Or used to be, anyway.  I’m not sure if you can still legitimately be a hippie in 2013 or not.  I should research that.

At first I thought that Devin’s older sister Cassidy was pulling our legs when she said that her parents were former Love Children, even though I could totally picture Mom falling out of a VW van on the side of the road somewhere.  And even though they did have an unusually large assortment of hula hoops scattered around the front yard, that doesn’t necessarily mean you grew your own in the basement of your parents’ house.

But then Mom took the whole gang down to the art studio to work on props for Devin’s Hip Hop routine and some of her ’60s fumes started to leak out from under the door.

Like when she explained that pageants were really just performance art and then went on to explain how African cheetahs somehow jumped a boat to America and ended up creating the Def Jam record label.  Like Planet of the Apes, but with more bling.

I swear the paint fumes were literally coming through my television.

And then Dad showed up out of nowhere, all tie dyed and hair going every which way like that Back to the Future guy.

Poor Dad.  Loved him.  But he didn’t get it.  I don’t think he even know where he was while he was talking to the cameras.  Because he’s just the Dad.  And then he disappeared back under the table and I decided that I needed to be his new best friend asap.

Mom was a body and face artist, which meant that she painted people head to toe like they do at MAC Cosmetic counters during new product launches (…I still don’t know why anyone needs to wear eye shadow on their junk, but whatever…) and was planning on covering Devin in cheetah spots before sticking her in a cage and shipping her off to America to invent rap.

That whole family shops at Whole Foods.  You know they do.

The second contestant arrived in a cloud of diesel fumes as 5 year old Adrianna and Mom Jennifer introduced us to their biker family.  Hogs.  Harleys.  Hip Hop.

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Adrianna was one of those blonde cuties who couldn’t keep her tongue in her mouth, but will hopefully grow out of that phase before she hits middle school because the world really doesn’t need another Miley Cyrus right now.

I really liked her and could tell she’ll be a looker when she grows up.  Which is no big deal, because her Dad Aaron was such a biker dude that he’ll crack the skull of any boy who even looks at his daughter’s Facebook page.

Dad is so out of his element with pageants that he fits right in, if that makes any sense.  I love Dads that support their kids.

You could tell they are all a total panic at family cookouts. Invite me next time, please.

But if you were really looking for a party, you needed to drop by 5 year old Malina‘s house for Indian food and trash talk.  Because that’s where Dad Harry and Godmother Thalya were going a few rounds.

Or ten.  Or twenty.

Fat jokes.  Mustache jokes.  Beard jokes.  OhNoYouDin’t.

Harry was one of those big guys you see at the mall with a chin strap goatee and about 5 pounds of gel stylin’ up 1 pound of hair.  Because you never know when the wind might kick up and you need to look fly for your lady friends.  A’ight?

Thalya was one of those big girls you see at the mall with mismatched sweats and a death grip on her cell phone.  Because you never know when you might get a text asking “Where You At, Girl?” and you know reception sucks in the Food Court.  ‘kay?

Malina, on the other hand, was a straight up Bollywood Bratz doll with big eyes and a tiny body.  Not a medical condition per se.  Just typical Little Kid Syndrome where you’re just waiting for the rest of your body to catch up to your head.  Been there.  Done that.

She was a hoot, all wide eyed and bug eyed and trying not to get in the middle of the whole Harry vs. Thalya Yo Mama Challenge.

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Mom Lisa was also there, kinda, but she pretty much got trampled by Thalya every time she tried to break up a fight as Malina fine tuned her booty pop.

When Thalya finally blew her first major nutty of the episode (…Spoiler Alert #2…) and threw down with Harry in the kitchen about his constant joking and insults, it should probably be noted that the whole scene looked exactly like The Muppet Show with all those crazy jiggly arms going everywhere, wobbly boom mics unintentionally hanging in the camera shot and Dad galunking out of the scene just like Sweetums used to do when he was sad.

When Thalya wasn’t smacking her cell in the palm of her hand, she was going to be doing Malina’s hair and makeup on Pageant Day.  My psychic powers kicked in right about here and I predicted how this whole thing would end up playing out at the end.

Pageant prep wasn’t going any smoother for the other two nuggets, either.  Devin didn’t like to practice and had a super-sized meltdown due to a ‘problem in her brain’ which sounded like something that should have been addressed when she got her chicken pox vaccination.  She crawled under the table and stared at the wall for awhile.

Like Father, Like Daughter I guess.  Groovy, man.

Adrianna was having issues with the new one minute time limit on Beauty Walks, and was struggling to figure out how to cram an additional 30 seconds of finger kisses into the new ruling.  I know the feeling, sister.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And…Tiara Twins Time?

Seriously.  Are we sure that there are really only two of them?

Because these twins are freakin’ everywhere.

Every.  Where.

Even when they’re not the subject of an episode, these two smiley kids somehow manage to score some screen time.  I swear their PR department must be as big as that gigantic transport vehicle they try to hide in the barn, because at least once a week the two girls either make a cameo on T&T or casually walk behind Anderson Cooper right in the middle of his newscast.  Just because they can.

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You remember the Twins.

Alycesaundra and Giavanna.  And Mom Kelly.  And Dad Ron.

They live on that farm that grows mud.  Or dirt.  I don’t know.  No one will tell me what secret thing they harvest twice a year so I have to make it up every time they are on TV.

The last time we saw Ron, he was getting his eyeball poked out by a peacock.  And the time before that he was dragging sheep and turkeys across the stage.  And the time before that, he was pulling his wife’s blouse up over her head so all of America could see her…umm…you know.

I already used “The Other Tiara Twins” joke last time, so I’m clearly running out of good jokes about bad boobs.  But we almost saw some stuff.

In widescreen HD.

This time Ron was dressed as a hip hop cop for some reason.  Momentarily anyway, before he stripped down to nothing but his sheer mantihose as Alycesaundra twerked herself off the edge of the stage.

Or at least I think it was Alycesaundra.  I’m still not very good at telling these two girls apart.  That, and that fact that my focus was elsewhere.  Pretty much at Alycesaundra’s height, but trust me…it was elsewhere.  Bow Chick A Tour Bus.

On a slightly more positive note, I can finally check off “See Ron Lyerly rub a police badge on his nibblies” from my Bucket List.

Anyway.  Back to this week’s kiddos.

Thalya blew her second nutty getting Malina ready for Beauty.  Nobody liked Bollywood Bratz’s hair and Thalya was getting cranky.  Dad was on her like I dunno what…and Girlfriend wasn’t having it.

Crazy Liza Minnelli doppelgänger judge Johnny Ray Browning was back for another pageant, being all Fierce in his Joan Rivers Five Easy Payments metallic scarf from QVC and uncomfortably touching that creepy Dateline soul patch a little too often.

Devin had this week’s Last Minute Emergency Pee Panic and had to be air lifted to the restroom ten seconds before she was supposed to be on stage.

Sorry kids, but my girl Paisley Dickey still owns the title of Biggest Pre-Show Pee Queen, so the rest of you can just go in your pants.  Save yourself some stress and don’t even try to steal that one from her if you know what’s good for you.

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Or the cheese dip.  Or the boogers.  Cuz there’s only one PDickey in the hizzle, yo.

Go see her movie, though.  Love.  Her.

The Hip Hop portion of the show began with some Sassy Sistah in the audience taking iPhone photos with her brass knuckle cell case that pretty much said all that needed to be said.

The routines went from gender bending baggy shirts and saggy pants to hand painted cheetahs learning how to breakdance in captivity.

FYI…Judge JRB didn’t care for gender bending of any sort, which made me spit Diet Coke out my nose for so many reasons that I can’t even begin to list them right now.

He sure is Fabulous, though, isn’t he?

And then some kids won some stuff.  But not necessarily what they wanted to win.

Including Malina, who only pulled a Novice title.  Which was no big dealio until Dad blamed it on Thalya’s haircare.  Or lack thereof.

OhHellNoHeDidNotJustSayThatGirrrrrrl’mSickOfItThat’sItI’mDone.

Thalya lost her marbles, grabbed her cell phone (…cuz you never know…) and stormed out of the building into the parking lot, screaming, swearing and checking texts the whole way as some poor winded TLC camera guy tried to keep up.

She was a big stinkin’ 24 year old woman, dammit.  A hard 24, maybe.  But still 24.

And just ’bout ready to pop off on someone as soon as she could get her hands on a frying pan, because Thalya don’t play.

Most of what she said was (bleeped) out, except for the parts where she kept talking about how hungry she was after slaving away all day on Malina’s losing hairstyle.

She was done.  She was over it. Nobody disses her mad skills.  Plus, she had munchies that were giving her a tight weave headache.

Thalya ended up abandoning everyone else in the building, leaving them to figure out how to get all their luggage and loser crowns back to NYC as she laid a patch of rubber on the pavement and gunned it for the nearest drive-thru.

(Bleep!)

Word to yo’ Pageant Mama.

You can’t touch this.

ty4

Toddlers & Tiaras: Time To Work That Stage And Show Me Your Pretty Feet. All Four Of Them. It’s Me And My Pet!

Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

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Check it out. There’s a freakin’ pig on the crown. Don’t even pretend you’re not jealous, cuz you are. Haters gonna hate.

 

a1

 

 

 

Bitch, pleez. Every kid at the Ramada gets a crown. Suck on this headgear and then go slop your hog, honey.

 

 

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My Milkshake brings all the boys to the yard…and they’re usually carrying a taser and a few restraining orders.

 

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Now I’m a church goin’ woman, but that pretty one in the pink dances like a damn crazy lady. Lawd have mercy.

 

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The judges like it when I shake my booty and my poor guinea pig so hard that we both black out on stage.

 

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Not gonna lie. That hot girl in the pink started dancing and I may have squirted some water out of my plastic flower.

 

 

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Yeah. I’m pretty sure I spent all day pretty feeting through hot animal poop just so I could win this cheap a** little toy crown.

 

 

 

Do you smell that?

It kind of smells like Aqua-Net and spray tan mist, with just a hint of steamed carrots, lettuce and those crunchy guinea pig pellets they sell in bulk at Petco.

Which can only mean one thing.

They’re baaaaack!

That’s right.  Toddlers & Tiaras is back.  And this time they brought livestock.

After a brief hiatus so we could all check the gift registry down at the Kuntry Stoe and use our “Plus One” invitation to the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Commitment Ceremony, everyone’s favorite unspoken guilty pleasure returned this week and took us straight to the barnyard without skipping a beat.

All the glitter and glitz was back, along with a few cameo guest appearances and two hotel workers who drew the short straw and got put on pooper scooper duty.

It was the Me And My Pet Pageant, courtesy of Director Jill Worley and MidAmerica Pageants.  Kids, sugar and animals.  What could possibly go wrong?

Jill was still fairly low key as far as Pageant Directors go, and basically just laid out the rules for any slow pokes out there who couldn’t actually figure out on their own what might go down at a Me And My Pet Pageant.

But I like Jill.  When I go clubbing with all my rowdy pageant friends, Jill would be more of the designated driver type while Tonya Bailey and Annette Hill are up on the speakers making it rain down on some strippers.

I’m sure Jill would loosen up eventually after a few Diet Cokes, though.

She was nice and had the same haircut that Carrie Underwood had in one of her videos.  Jill was pretty darn excited about the ginormous Old McDonald crown and the fact that the judges would not be deducting any points for pooping on the floor, which I thought was a good call given the lines in hotel restrooms, until I realized that she was referring to the animals and not the hair and makeup people.

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My bad.

The first wannabe princess we met was 4 year old Rainbow Dash and Mom Rachelle.

You heard me.  Rainbow Dash.  Like the My Little Pony pony.  Because she looooooves My Little Pony stuff.  Especially Rainbow Dash.

Not sure how that whole cartoon name thing is going to hold up in college, but for now I guess it’s a good thing that the little tyke is enamored with animated equines and not Optimus Prime or something.

Mom was a big, sassy lady who I could totally see raising the roof at church every Sunday if she hadn’t been excommunicated for raising a heathenistic little pageant girl.

Seriously?  It’s 2013, people.

To rub salt in the wound, Mom was a PK…ie…Preacher’s Kid…and got the boot even though her father was a man of the church.  Go figure.

But it wasn’t stopping RB from rockin’ a drum solo and then wailing “Yes, Jesus Loves Me” while the rest of the family did exactly what you’d expect a good church going family to do once the electric organ gets warmed up.

Take it to church, Girlfriend.  Just don’t go inside.

Rainbow Dash was a cutie, and looked like a miniaturized CNN weekend news anchor with her blown out hair and jacket/tie combo.  You could tell she gets it from her Mama.

Next up was 4 year old Gabby and Grandma Teresa.  Not NiNi or NeNe or NaNa or NooNoo or nuthin’.  Just Grandma.

Grandma was large and in charge of the pageants, because Gabby’s Mom Alicia hated glitz pageants.  They’re all fakey fake with their fake hair and fake teeth and fake tans and fake fakiness.

Fake.  Fake.  Fake.  And then for those of you who may have missed it, she said it about 29 more times.  Fake.

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Gabby was a nugget of a little blonde thing, all sing-songy and gassy as she shook her poor guinea pig Puddinin (…that’s not a typo.  Puddininininin….) until you could hear marbles jiggling in his head.  She even managed to knock the poo right out of him as the poor guy got car sick and honked out a little pellet of his own right there on the carpet.

Luckily for all of us who sit too close to our television screens, TLC thoughtfully covered up Pud’s junk with one of those Walmart Lower Price smiley face stickers so we didn’t have to actually watch a guinea pig take a toot in hi-def.

We also learned that Gabby’s flatulence reeked of carrots and lettuce, which I guess is probably something we should know in case we ever need to rescue her from an underground coal mine collapse in the middle of the night…but it didn’t feel very crucial to the current pageant storyline.

Seriously, a couple more fart jokes and subtitles this week and I would have sworn I was still watching Honey Boo Boo eating ribs.

The third and final contestant was 3 year old pipsqueak Lily and Mom Brittany.

Not only did Lily have one of the best cartoon voices ever, but she also had her own miniature horse.  A real one.  That she bought with her own money.

Shut the barn door.  Literally.

I can’t even pay my cable bill on time and a 3 year old is buying a real live racehorse with Ultimate Supreme cash?  Take that, Rainbow Dash.

And sign me up for this gig.  I want a pony, too.

Blackjack the Horse came with his own Zorro background music and one of those purple ski masks that made it look like he had some kind of super powers that would soon be revealed on stage.  I hoped he could talk.  That would be so cool.

Since Lily and Mom just happened to have a horse laying around the house, they had decided to use him in the pageant as part of their Afro Circus routine.

(The Madagascar movie song and dance number, not one of Al Sharpton‘s press conferences.  Just to clarify.)

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They even had a technicolor afro wig for Blackjack to wear during the show, hoping that a slow moving miniature pony wearing a gay pride weave could duplicate a polka dotted zebra standing on his back legs doing Michael Jackson moves.  We’ll have to see.

While Lily squeaked around the stables, we dashed back over to Rainbow Dash’s house for a major plot twist.

Rainbow Dash was ALSO doing an Afro Circus routine.

Shut.  Up.

But instead of a horse, RB was going to dress up her Dad Daniel (…who I believe only blinked a total of 7 times the entire episode…) like a crazy clown and have him assist while their little pocket dog Titi pretended he was in the circus.  The Afro one.

Dad reminded me of the short guy from Fresh Prince of Bel Air a little bit as he worked himself into an anxiety attack over standing on stage holding a hula hoop.

Chillax, dude.  You got this.

And then it was Katie Boyer Time!!!

We love pageant coach Katie and her Katie’s Kuties.

She’s your typical girl next door who you know spends waaay too much time texting her girlfriends from the mall and is the one who always silently mouths “OMG!” and then hits you whenever a hot waiter turns his back to the table.

Katie loves her kids, but hates those animal pageants.  Don’t make me touch that thing.

Note to self:  Return the iguana you bought Katie for Christmas.

After putting Gabby through some finger kisses and guinea pig shakes, Katie got in her Tiara Teleportation Device and was suddenly across town helping out Lily with her routine.

Oooh, girl.  Double dippin’ in the pageant pool.  You go.

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The most memorable part of the scene (…aside from Katie, of course…) was whatever the f*** was going on with Pageant Life Coach Aunt Sissy‘s hair.

Seriously.  That was some solid work up there.  You know Katie was dying to touch it.

I’m thinking that Sissy might be the one we send over to Syria to look for all those atomic bombs, because even if she finds one and it blows up in her face, that hair ain’t going anywhere.

Well played, ma’am.  Just don’t get me started on Life Coaches.

Finally, it was Showtime!

But first…can we just talk about what kind of hotel lets farm animals run wild through the hallways?  I mean, Blackjack just strolled through the lobby like he was going to the desk to confirm his wakeup call and ask that an iron be sent upstairs.

It’s bad enough getting stuck with a room by the ice machine.  Can you even imagine the smell?  That place better be putting extra chocolate on my pillow if I know there’s a llama in the next room.

The hair and makeup sessions were the usual chaos.  Nothing new to report.

Somehow Gabby’s dress didn’t fit correctly and they had to poach a second one from Lily’s suitcase.  Why do these people always wait until their number is being called to actually try lacing up the back for the first time?

Eventually everyone was wearing something and Jill could get the party started.

Complete with cameo guest appearances galore, which made me realize that I have been watching this show for way too many years.

Little Miss Ava Claire was giving the judges some side eye, but I almost missed her behind all of Mom’s big a** hair.  Hey, Jessica!

Pageant Coach from Hell Nikki Santiago was also standing off to the side deciding which young child to take back into the bowels of the Earth when crowning was done, which explained all the nervous animal pee that was going on in the holding area.

Just speaking for myself, I know that every time I see Nikki I need to put down some fresh newspapers under my Lazy Boy…just in case.

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Even one half of the Tiara Twins, Giavanna, was standing on stage watching her Dad get his eye poked out by a completely panic stricken peacock.  It was like that Alfred Hitchcock movie, except Ron screamed more than Tippi Hedren did when she got attacked.

I should also point out that Tiara Twins Mom Kelly just stood there and watched it all happen without lifting a finger, because I think she was still mad at Ron for that time he pulled her top up on national television.

The Beauty portion was the usual.  Stop.  Start.  Forget.

The Me and My Pet part was when the crowd woke up.

Rainbow Dash’s take on the Afro Circus was basically her Dad getting down with his bad self in big shoes.  Something tells me that’s not the last we’ve seen of Krumpy the Klown, yo.

After evacuating the first two floors of the hotel to prevent any potential running of the bulls, Brittany finally got Blackjack up on stage for Lily’s routine.

And then Katie danced behind the judges.

Crazy White Girl Dancing.  The kind of dancing that becomes the stuff of urban legends.

And screensavers.

Gabby didn’t have much better luck with Puddininininin who made a quick appearance and then hid behind a pile of maxi-pads for the rest of the show.

Did I forget to mention that Mom had lined his barnyard prop with maxi-pads just in case he…well…never mind.  If you have enough maxi-pads on hand to fill a barn, then we have bigger problems than a shy guinea pig.

And then some kids won some stuff.

But not the stuff they wanted to win.  Google it.

Right now, everyone back to the barn for a quick Tinker Tea nightcap and then hit the hay.  It’s been a long one.

Toddlers & Tiaras is back.

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