Posts Tagged ‘Travis Payne’

Dance Moms: Abby’s Back…And She Brought Tiny Reenforcements. It’s The Invasion Of The All-New ALDC Minis!

Wednesday, February 10th, 2016

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The girls said you can flip the camera lens and just look at yourself all day. This is life changing.

 

 

mel

 

 

Someone is literally gonna have to sit on me if that new lady says one more thing about Boo’s pigtails.

 

 

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I’ve never actually watched the show before. Do I kiss her ring now or how does this all work?

 

 

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Please forgive me. I promise to go home and watch all the Sia videos tonight. Just don’t hurt my family.

 

 

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Trust me. You’re not even worth my hair, which cost a whole lot more than that Flintstones blouse.

 

 

 

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It’s true. I swear to Gawd. Last week when she took the hot rollers out it was like this big. No lie.

 

 

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Before you make any Orange Is The New Black jokes, keep in mind that I got four lawyers on speed dial, ‘kay?

 

 

 

It’s true.

What they say, I mean.

Big Things do come in Little Packages.

Especially when you’re talking Diamonds.  And Mama Drama.

Just ask the new ALDC Minis.  About the Mama Drama part, anyway.

For such tiny little nuggets, these (…Spoiler Alert…) 5 new little girls have certainly brought along enough baggage (…both emotional and over-sized Vera Bradley…) to the party in their first month at the ALDCLA.

Or at least their Mamas have.

The kids only seem to be in charge of Big Smiles and Big Bows so far.

Spoiler Alert #2:  Look at JoJo checking out the new little squirt who arrived this week, like the kid just showed up trying to start a hair bow turf war or something.

bbowBut that’s really jumping ahead in the story.

And now I’ve ruined the surprise when Mini Numero Cinco gets here.  My bad.

Back to the beginning.

As  we settled in for another Dance Moms episode, the Original Recipe Moms were arriving at the ALDCLA mothership, which I took to mean that everyone was going to be allowed back inside the building after last week’s lock-out.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  My MomCrush was hooched up (…before lunch, FYI…) in the same shiny black leather stiletto shoe booties that Nicole Scherzinger wore in one of the Pussycat Dolls music videos.  I forget which one, but I think it was the one where she got really sweaty and kept putting her leg up on one of those Barre Method ballet barres.

Nicole, I mean.  Even tho I can totally see Jill taking a class at Pure Barre just so she can say she takes classes at Pure Barre and then have a guilt-free Starbucks.

(I swear those two businesses are in cahoots to take people’s money, because they’re always on the same block and have the same hours of operation.)

Haters gonna hate, but I love Jill.  Almost enough to justify the restraining order she put out on me last season.  Almost.

And Abby Lee Miller was back.  Finally.  Kinda.  Sorta.

Oddly MIA for two weeks after resigning from her own Life, Abby had decided to return and was basically just phoning in her job for the first 10 minutes of the show as the Moms tried to figure out what her dealio was this week.  Holly even compared it to a military invasion, which was probably a lot closer to reality than she realized.

Side note:  If you’re pressed for time and need to go, this #HollyFace pretty much sums up the remainder of the episode:

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Thanks for stopping by, tho.

And the Pyramid of Shame was back, too.  Super-sized.  Now with Minis!

Full disclosure:  It was basically the same Pyramid with a bunch of Mini head shots underneath, but the new kids seemed pretty excited to see themselves on a national television network.  So there’s that, I guess.

And, honestly, I don’t even remember much about the Pyramid except for the part when Abby revealed Nia and Kalani’s faces and decided that Black History Month was a good time to dissect their African Dance Duet.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Abby said that Kalani was “A little bit more African than Nia…”

Will-Smith-OMG-Expression-On-Fresh-Prince-Of-Bel-Air

…and that it made sense for Nia to do the dance because she was African American.

giphy-1OhNoSheDin’t.

I was all like…
2015 - 1Holly was all like…tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500

And then Holly did this.  And this.  And this.  And this.

Feel free to add your own dialogue.   h h2 h1 h4Study note:  There will be a geography quiz at the end of the episode, so make sure you know where Africa, America and Pittsburgh are…and the difference between the three, you crazy whack job dance studio owner.

I love Holly too much when she’s laying down #HollyLaw.

This week, the gang was headed to another Devotion 2 Dance Competition.

The Minis would be performing a ‘Cavemen Under Cover’ group dance while the Big Girls would be ‘Better Off Now’ with Brynn playing the role of Maddie in their own group number.  Because Maddie was still off doing her movie.  Still.

Tiny Alysa (…with one ‘S’…) scored the only solo this week, which gave her Mom Mary yet another opportunity to let us all know that she had sacrificed soooo much to be here at the ALDCLA.  We get it.

You gave up a lot.  You left your family and kids behind.

Maybe you could tell that story to Evan Frazier who’s sitting at home right now looking for the damn can opener.  Or Erno Vertes, who thought groceries just magically appeared in the refrigerator every week.  Or Greg Gisoni, who’s already lost the garage remote three times and is taking AA batteries out of the smoke detectors instead of going to CVS.

I’m pretty sure everyone’s given up a little sumthin sumthin.  Just saying.

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And then Jill and Ashlee went at it again.

Same argument.  Different outfits.  Don’t talk smack about my kid.  I’m not talking smack about your kid.  Yes, you are.  No, I’m not.

Jill was all like (…bleep…) you.

jfuAshlee was all like don’t tell me to (…bleep…) you, because I will.  So hard.

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Oh, really?

real1Really.

real

You’ve got a fat a**.

Well, you’re old.

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No lie.

It went on for like 20 minutes and Ashlee still couldn’t get the cap off her water bottle.  You see that?  And what is Melissa always eating?  Because it looks mighty tasty.

Once the dust settled, newbie Mini Kendall finally showed up.  Two hours late, thank you.

Clearly, she was tardy because they stopped to put her birth certificate into the Toddlers & Tiaras Name Generating Machine and watch it spit back out as Kendyl, just to mess up my spellcheck and prevent her from being confused with the other Kendall that was already on the payroll.

This show.  I swear.

Too bad her Mom, Lynn (…who managed to hold onto all her consonants in transit…) has never watched it, tho, because she came in through the side door going on and on about how she didn’t want her daughter in a negative, stressful environment and that they were just here to dance at the ALDC.

Ok.  You just keep telling yourself that, honey.

kidThat bow big enough, BTW?

These little Minis are so Ka-Yooot I can’t stand it.

With only 2 days to go, Holly and Jesslaynn took Ashlee out back behind the dumpster for what I initially thought was going to be a beatdown, but turned out to only be a pep talk about being a Team Player.

I guess we’ll see have to wait and see who gets survives and who gets voted off  the Dance Moms Island as the season progresses, right Jess?

jsSide note:  Lynn busted into the studio and interrupted Abby’s rehearsals at least 7 times before she was finally shut down and sent back to the other Moms in tears.  Honestly, even if you’ve never seen the show, I don’t know how many fingers you need to lose before you stop sticking your hand in the monkey cage, lady.

l1And then Melissa wanted in on some of this New Mom Fun.

Learn from Mama Corleone-Gisoni, people.  This is how ‘this’ works.

giphySide note:  Kerri called Melissa the ‘Godfather’ later in the episode when Lynn started making fun of Mackenzie’s pigtails, but I couldn’t wait any longer to use that clip.

Side note Numero Due:  I’m the only one allowed to make fun of the pigtails.

Capiche?

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Side note Numero Tre:  Somebody had a yellow slurpee cup from Which Wich sandwich shops behind them on the viewing steps which caused quite an uproar on Twitter.

IMG_1250I’ve never been to one myself, but everyone was going on and on about how good the food was and now I want to use the residuals (…that Lifetime should have been paying me all these years for pimping out their show…) to open a franchise, even though it looks exactly like a Subway sandwich in a different piece of wax paper.

Power of: Social Media.

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Finally, it was Showtime!

For this guy, anyway.

3872959826_2aed9b9de5_oSrsly.  Where was everybody?

Nobody was outside waiting for the bus to arrive.  No screaming kids with blinged-out iPhones.  No glitter paint poster paper signs.  Nuthin.

Nuthin inside, either.  It was freaky.  Nobody could figure it out.

Lynn was trying to dial down her NewMomSpaz as everyone got ready for the competition in the back room, but it wasn’t working very well.  You could tell it wasn’t going to last very long.  The Calm Before the Storm, as it were.

Alysa’s solo was all cute and stuff, but once you’ve seen Asia Monet Ray get all sassy pants all over a stage…well…Game Over.

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And besides.  Abby doesn’t do cute.  At least not this week.

Back at the makeup tables after the routine, the whole thing somehow went form worse to worser when Lynn mimicked Mackenzie’s 26 years of pigtails and Glitz Pageant posing.

Like this.mzExcuse me?

mkzThat’s when Melissa threatened to chew Lynn’s face off and when Kerri called her the Dance Moms Godfather.kk

That’s also when Holly tried to intervene but then realized Lynn wasn’t worth the air required to put up a fight and decided to tune her right out for the remainder of the day.

You just keep talking to yourself, woman.

Once the Minis were all ratted up and put into their Pebbles and Bam Bam outfits, Abby noted that only NOW did they finally look like ALDC dancers.  bbam

Because you know how Abby does love herself a good mile-high.

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The Minis finally hit the stage, swinging Cro-Magnon clubs around like I don’t know what until the newest of the new dropped hers on the ground and caused so much prehistoric drama that you would have thought the dinosaurs unthawed.

Brynn did a great job leading the ALDC group routine, giving face all the way to the empty cheap seats in the back.

Really.  Did they even have the date right?  Where is everyone?

When it was all over, both the Minis and the Junior Team (…and, from what I could tell, about 9 other dancers from who knows where…) laid around on the empty stage floor waiting for awards to be handed out.

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Unfortunately, Alysa lost a couple more letters in her name as well as the First Place spot.

Second Place would have to do, even though we all know what Abby thinks of that title.

Both the Minis and the Big Girls took home First Place trophies and yet still managed to find something for their Moms to all complain about outside on the way to the cars.

Each other, basically.

Ashlee didn’t get it.  Lynn really didn’t get it.  Jill wanted to give it to Ashlee right between the eyes.  And Melissa knew people who could make it happen, but you didn’t hear it from her, of course.  Let’s keep that in the Dance Moms Family.

And then Abby peaced out…and flaked out…as soon as they were out of the building.

Maybe she’d be back.  Maybe not.  Maybe she’d get rid of all the Minis.  Maybe not.

Brynn could stay for now, tho.

At least we got that much out of Abby before she bolted in the rental.brNo big fight this time.  No real last minute drama.

The whole thing just fizzled out and ended pretty much the same way it started.

Right, Holly?

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So, yeah.  I guess we’re done here.

See you next time.

Or not.

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Dance Moms: When Abby Goes Rogue Again, It’s Debbie Allen To The Rescue. Hurray For Bollywood…And Africa.

Wednesday, February 3rd, 2016

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Don’t you cry, niblet. At least you’re not wearing any pigtails. Trust me…it’s been a looong 5 years.

 

 

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Baby, look at me. When I’m done with you, that sore back is gonna remember remember my name.

 

 

nia

 

 

So I went online to check out all my haters’ viral music videos and…wait…there are none. Hashtag: OhSnap

 

 

ac

 

 

Aww Hell Nah. I specifically said no bathroom security jobs that involved clowns. I’m done.

 

 

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You trash my hair on social media and I’ll be at your house tonight unplugging the damn internet.

 

 

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If these babies can teach me how to take a selfie, I don’t care if they live in the backroom.

 

 

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I’ll totally help all these little squirts if they wanna pay me in snacks. It’s still all about the chips.

 

 

 

You.

Yeah.  I’m talking to You.

You’ve got Big Dreams.  You want Fame.

Well, Fame costs.  And right here is where you start paying.

In Sweat.

debbie-allen-as-lydia-grant-in-FAME

And you can quote me on that.  Or maybe that lady right there, if you’d prefer.

Because Debbie Allen has arrived, y’all.

The Queen is in the building.  And that is awesome.  And amazing.  And inspiring.

And it’s totally jumping about four commercial breaks ahead in the recap and referencing the wrong television show all at the same time.  But it doesn’t even matter.

Because it’s Debbie Allen.

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And now that I’ve ruined the surprise, let’s start at the beginning.

Dance Moms kicked off this week’s episode already slightly discombobulated (…and completely right back where they started their whole Hollywood journey…) on the sidewalk in front of the 3rd Street Dance Studio, which was apparently once again serving as rehearsal space for the ALDC.

After resigning from her own Life (…which still makes about as much sense to me as I dunno what…) Abby Lee Miller had apparently locked the Moms out of the new ALDCLA studio and gone into reclusive hoarding/hiding inside the bowels of that freaky back storeroom, forcing everyone else to find temporary housing.

3rd Street Dance to the rescue.

Thankfully, this studio seems to have way more Salsa posters and Zumba signage than they do actual running classes, because the place always seems to be empty and available at a minute’s notice.  Or maybe that’s just me.

Regardless, the team scored a home for now.

Side note:  I’m totally ok with Lifetime using that ‘Previously On Dance Moms’ clip of my MomCrush Jill flipping out on Abby every week for the rest of the season if they’d like, because it’s been on every episode since it happened and I’ve enjoyed it immensely.j-1

True.  It’s probably not as epic as throwing a shoe while wearing Dollar Store western headgear, but sometimes even the best peak too early.  It just happens.

So, anyway. Abby was MIA.  Again.

Just like Maddie, who was not only starring in whatever movie keeps taking her away from the studio every other week, but also apparently writing it, directing it and editing all the sci-fi laser beam computer animation, because it’s certainly taking her a long time to wrap this thing up.  Let’s go, people.  Time is Money.

And now Nia was MIA, too.  Or so they thought.

Turns out she was just back a block or two on her Sidekick, voicing her concerns to the Social Media Director at NiaSioux Enterprises, LLC regarding some not-so-cool replies from internet haters to a post she had put online about how to do a spin or something.

One:  Really?

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Two:  Remember when kids used to play outside?  Is that not a thing anymore?

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Three:  Really?

h4Don’t even get me started.  I don’t understand social media sometimes.

Or toe spins.

Since Abby was…you know…Gianna was in charge this week.  And our girl doesn’t do Pyramids.  So moving right along.  Is this gonna be a 30 minute show or what?

This week, the gang was headed to Fierce Dance Competition.

But NO Solos.  Only Duets.  Three of them.

Nia and Kalani scored an African Dance number, which was going to be choreographed by Travis Payne‘s assistant Aisha Francis.  Turns out that neither Pyramids OR African Dance are Gia’s thang.  Being the best babysitter EVAH to the Minis still is, tho.

Spoiler Alert:  If this African routine turns out to be even half as #OnFleek as Aisha’s eyebrows, I ain’t too worried, because…Gurrrrl, that face is Beat.

Which is a good thing, FYI…at least according to the kids who are currently hating on my blog instead of being outside getting fresh air.

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Newbies Peyton (…Pay-Ton’…) and Alexus (…‘Alexis’ without the ‘I’…) were given the first Mini Duet Flashback of the season:  A reinvented interpretation of Chloe and Asia‘s classic ‘Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark’ routine.

This one.

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My_dollHow much did we love Chloe and Asia Monet Ray?  And Christi.

And how about Asia’s Mom Kristie Ray?  How much did we love her?  Especially when she lost her nutty and did this thing up in the MomPerch…

Tumblr_mrlgnaiLuP1qejlczo1_500-1…which is easily the best Dance Moms Gif ever in the history of Dance Moms Gifs…

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500…except for that one right there, of course.  What the What?

I really can’t look at both of them together for very long or my head will explode.

The final ‘Odd Couple’ duet went to Kendall and Brynn, which was done basically to allow their Moms the opportunity to pig pile on top of each other for the remainder of the episode.  No love lost there, folks.

Brynn’s Mom Ashlee immediately asked which part was harder.  #OhNoSheDint.

Tumblr_mrlgnaiLuP1qejlczo1_500-1Yes, she did.  And Jill didn’t like it much.  Which explains why she made a #JillFace that looked exactly like a #HollyFace and then I didn’t know what was happening.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500Truth:  I could literally tell the rest of this week’s episode with just these two Gifs.

And don’t think I won’t try.

Side note:  Just so nobody says I’m not giving equal time, here is one of my all-time favorite Christi moments.  I don’t know why it is, but it is.  Please do enjoy.

tumblr_n5xw6vNZ9O1ts65cuo1_500And then it was time for Nakul Dev Mahajan to arrive.

Oh, hey.

nk1And, heeeey.

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Straight outta So You Think You Can Dance, the Bollywood King was flashing hand jives and ancient finger dings from the moment he walked through the door.  Brought in to choreograph the elaborate Big & Little group number, Nakul was da bomb.  Nobody knows this Bollywood shizz better than this guy.  Trust me.

Now let’s just hope he can teach Minis how to pinky finger the Lotus.

pAs the full-size and pint-size girls all tried to work together without poking their own eyes out, the Moms headed into the back hallway to chew on each other’s necks for a few minutes.

Peyton was having trouble picking up the choreography, which meant that her Mom Kerri was already starting to unravel.  Ashlee was already psychically predicting that Kendall would not be able to act out the character in her dance.  Melissa was getting that twitch she gets when Abby’s not around.

And the rest of the Moms all sat around in what I swear was swirling asbestos dust.

Srsly.  Please tell me you saw all that fuzz floating in the air.

3Wi0XUKI know it’s an old building, but…gah.

Luckily, Holly, Nia and Kalani didn’t have to inhale it for very long, because they were off to Debbie Allen’s Dance Academy for a freebie.

YAAAAAAAAS, Queen!

Debbie Allen had offered up her studio for an African Dance class, which Holly somehow found out about by chatting up Aisha on her cellphone the night before.  Because apparently ‘Aisha’ comes right before ‘Aubrey’ in Holly’s speed-dial.  I don’t even ask anymore.  That phone’s memory card must be massive.

When you get to the ‘Ds’ and wanna go to lunch, call me.

I love Debbie Allen.  She’s strong.  Inspirational.  And every word that comes out of her mouth could go on a t-shirt or one of those expensive Hallmark cards that require additional postage because they’re so heavy.

Debbie walked into that studio and everyone was all like…YAAAAAAAAS!

tumblr_inline_n84i1fYDY41rnss34Plus, she was wearing a beret.  Slightly askew.  So you knew she meant bidnezz.

When Debbie Allen speaks,  the room falls silent.  Holly, Nia and Kalani were captivated as The Queen discussed being a Performer vs. being an Artist.

She said “I would wish Artistry on both of you.”  YAAAAAAAAS!

tumblr_inline_nvgu4iNvc51satrrh_500And it just kept going.  All to a crazy drum beat.

Not gonna lie.  By the time they finished rehearsals and Debbie told them to “Never be afraid to try.  Success is a Journey.  It is always in the making.” I was like…tumblr_inline_nox6iqYyyd1qdbwps_500Call me a cab.  I’m done.

Side note:  When Debbie Allen was on the TV show Fame, she wore loose fitting Flashdance-looking tops and posed like this a lot with Billy Hufsey

fame season 3 debbie allen, billy hufsey, gene anthony ray

…who, years later, somehow ended up being Asia Monet Ray’s agent for a short time…

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…after she danced on Dance Moms and Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition

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…which has nothing really to do with Debbie Allen training Nia and Kalani, but could totally come in handy on Trivia Night if you want to write it down somewhere.

I know, right?  Mind.  Blown.Tumblr_mrlgnaiLuP1qejlczo1_500-1

The following day(…only 24 hours before competition…) the Moms were all together again, doing that excited/jealous thing they do when one girl does something cool and the others don’t.  Everyone was happy for Nia and Kalani’s Debbie Allen Experience, but Melissa planned on having her children dance where their jackets say they dance.

Which…ok.  I love Melissa, but she didn’t say much this week.

She made this face a few times, tho.  Not sure why.

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Since the Minis were still struggling with the Bollywood choreography, Nakul had asked them all to rehearse at home together.  Which they didn’t do, because Tiffanie and Mary decided to take their kids to some secret bunker somewhere and now Kerri was starting to unravel faster.

It was getting whackier by the minute, I swear.

You just know that if Debbie Allen’s sister Phylicia Rashad had been there, she would have been looking at those Moms all like..

3.-Phylicia-Rashad-The-Cosby-Show

Finally, it was Showtime!

And time for Kerri to completely lose her marbles.  Just because Holly asked the Mini Moms how their late night rehearsals had been going.

Well, that started it, anyway.

I guess Kerri had threatened to call the po-po on Tiffanie for some reason.  Tiffanie then said that Peyton was huddled up in a corner somewhere in the fetal position last night screaming for her mother.

Which Kerri didn’t handle very well.  Since, according to her version of the story, her child was sitting on her own bleepity bleepin’ lap the whole time, you stupid bleep. kerBoom.  #MicDropFace.

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Production note:  Right around here they either edited out 27 minutes of footage, or Tiffanie is the Fastest CryBaby Evah, because she started bawling her eyes out before Kerri even lost that Kardashian pucker.

cryI know, Holly.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500Same.

Peyton came out in her Monster Doll makeup and looked waaaay crazy pants.  Kudos to whoever painted that mug.

But she still messed up a practice move with Gia and then Kerri melted down.

dollDance Moms “I’m Done” Contract Clause:  As previously discussed, every Mom is required to say it at least once per season.  And this week was Kerri’s time.  Big Time.

She snatched her phone and her kid (…in that order, BTW…) and plowed through the open doors and then straight into the closed elevator door.  You see that?

Not sure why she didn’t push the button like the sign says.

It was chaos.  Security guys everywhere.  Kerri was swinging her shoes around like she was at some Designer Sample Sale and needed to get traction on the marble floor before all her sizes were gone.  There was some nameless producer guy begging Kerri to stay on the show (…via Honey Boo Boo subtitles…) and even one guy in front of the ladies’ room who jumped out of his skin when he saw a 3 foot tall clown running towards him with a skeleton face and a barefoot Mom looking like Alice Cooper.

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But it was Mackenzie who saved the day.

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It’s not easy being 6 years old.  Nobody knows dat better than MackZ, yo.

Been there.  Done that.  So she took the little scary clown under her wings and told her everything was gonna be alright.  And that she knows her Mom is a loose cannon.  And that everything about the ALDC is clearly straight off the hook.

But if you stick it out long enough, you get chips at some point.

bad-makeup-GIFFull disclosure:  I didn’t know where else to put the animation of that little girl in her crazy makeup.  It kinda goes with the story and yet makes no sense whatsoever.  It has nothing to do with the show and yet pretty much sums up the entire episode in one graphic.  So there you go.

And now we wasted so much time on all this that there’s no room for the actual competition.  Check out Nia’s makeup, tho.

nkkThe Mini duet ended up being amazing.  For such little wieners, they both did great.  They remembered the choreography and got the job done.

Nia and Kalani’s routine was insane.  Nailed it.  To a crazy drum beat.

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Side note:  There was also a 20 minute break in programming so we could watch all the ALDC girls get tanked up on sugar and show us how to do a proper Instagram selfie.  It gave me anxiety it was so hyper.  Sleepover Commercials 2.0…

Brynn and Kendall’s duet was not as equally well received, since Ashlee immediately went in for the kill again as soon as it was over.  It was the same conversation as last week, just in different outfits.

And then they all went Bollywood, baby.

nk3Fast forward:  And then it was over.

No time for results this week.  I know you Google that stuff anyway.

Kerri vowed to chillax.  Or at least try.  Ashlee vowed to push every single last one of Jill’s buttons until something bad happens.  Which it will.

Melissa vowed to remain at the studio that’s on the embroidery.  Holly vowed to keep finding new and improved opportunities for her daughter.

Nia vowed to not let those social media haters get her down.

Because, you know…#Motivators.

And that’s it until next time.  Get outta here.

Buh bye, now.

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Dance Moms: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Return For One Last Look At The City Of Angels Mama Drama.

Wednesday, August 19th, 2015

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Swear to Gawd. If you’re filming this and I end up on that stupid blog, Imma sue you so hard.

 

 

hb

 

 

I will pick you up and carry you outta here, little boy. You see these arms? Mama does pilates.

 

 

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Cuz I will literally hitchhike back to PA if I have to watch that damn bra scene one more time.

 

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Today’s show was brought to you by the letters A,L,D,C and the new iPhone 6 Plus sparkle case.

 

 

4dma

 

 

 

My a** she’s 45.

 

 

jmd

 

 

 

No. Really. You can let go now, honey. I’m actually here to see that other lady sitting over there.

 

 

jh

 

 

They’re gonna have to cut this pink coat off my cold, dead body. I look just like Rihanna, right?

 

 

 

I swear.

Family Reunions are exhausting.  Truly.

Between texting the invites (…Spoiler Alert:  and the un-invites…) and planning the menu and making sure your seating arrangements don’t result in a straight up bar brawl, the entire process can easily wear a person out before the guests even arrive.

Not to mention getting your hair did and picking out the right cocktail dress.

But leave it to The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh to get it done.

Dance Moms wrapped up and threw down this week with a look back at the most dramatic, turbulent, bleeped-out ALDC season yet.  And they even did it in fancy clothes.

After racking up more frequent flyer miles than the last four seasons combined, it was time to head back into that mysterious underground Collins Avenue Bunker and relive the magic one last time.  Cue the Infomercial Audience, because it’s time for…

Season 5: We Made It Out Alive.

almFrom the start, it was clear that sumthin was up.

Instead of opening up with my boy Jeff Collins nervously sitting at the cool table with Abby Lee Miller, this time around we got a flashback to a few hours earlier with Melissa and my MomCrush Jill in hot rollers, swiping through their cellphones, wondering if Abby was even going to show up for the Reunion Show taping.

Pretty hurts.  Trust me.

jv

Apparently, Abby had sent a mass text to all the Moms telling them to NOT show up for the taping, which clearly worked really well since everyone was already present and accounted for in the makeup chairs getting Mall Hair at 9:15 in the morning.

Kira had blocked Abby to prevent any unnecessary tweets and texts.  Holly had requested a sassy, on-trend messy bun.  And Jessalynn had straight up snatched the Biggest Bump-It Ever Award right out from under Jill’s nose while she was looking down at her phone.  You see that thing?

anigif_enhanced-16040-1410290361-12

Even Jess was all like DaaannnngGurrrrl…ILookGoooood.

jsTwo hours later, Abby finally arrived with a glass of Diet Coke that I swear she stole from Cracker Barrel.  Where else did it come from?  That was totally a glass they give you at restaurants with a lime, even if you say No Lime.

Everyone was all like “She’sHereShe’sHere!!” but Abby refused to speak to anyone, instead just sitting down in her assigned spot with a pile of construction paper notes that she pulled out of a giant bag and immediately tucked under her badonk for safe keeping.

She’s coming to set!  She’s just sitting in the chair!  She’s got papers!

She’s got explosives!

Beaker

Side note:  Have we learned nothing from Bravo TV?  Props at Reunion Shows are just asking for trouble.  Even if they’re just handwritten scribbles that you hold up like you’re being asked a question on The Newlywed Game.

Q.  How do you like the recap so far, Quad?

tumblr_mnjk67HVyW1ql5yr7o1_500Sure enough, as soon as production got rolling (…three hours late, if you’re counting…) Jeff asked Abby what she thought of the season finale debacle at Nationals and she started throwing up 8x10s like they were gang signs.

a1Lawd.  It was gonna be a long hour if this is how she’s playing it.

sheldon-throwing-papers-gifSide note:  The Moms were already seated around Jeff.  No intros this year.  No name tags.  Nothing.  We know them all by now, right?

Except for Jill and Melissa, maybe.  Not gonna lie.  Love them both, but I was having trouble telling them apart for most of the episode now that they have that Bouffant-y Blonde BFF Twin Thang going on.  Was it just me?

They looked to their right together.

mjAnd then straight ahead together.

mj3And then over there together.

mj2And then gave majorly awesome SideEye together.

mj6When they left the studio after taping, their hats even blew off together.

giphy-1But I love them.  Separately or together.

The controversy over Nationals (…Fixed?  Orchestrated?  Hot Mess?…) continued with Jess and Dr. Voice Of Reason Holly wondering why Abby had never questioned the authenticity of the awards back when the ALDC was winning everything.  Now that they came in Second Place you’re gonna start name calling?  Is that how we do?

Personally, I was questioning what kind of third rate local PR Agency this dude they kept calling Frank from Nationals (…not to be confused with Jake from State Farm, I guess…) uses if his entire reputation is being dragged through the Pittsburgh potholes on national television.

1.  This is Jake from State Farm.  Why isn’t he wearing a headset like the other guy?

tumblr_static_tumblr_static_bxbng5tfvvw4ksw048gk040oo_1280.jpg

2.  This is Frank from Nationals.  Why isn’t he drunk yet?

fAbby claimed that she didn’t know Frank and that they weren’t friends and that the ALDC had never gone to one of his (…allegedly…) crooked competitions, which was right about when my boy Bryan Stinson came out of the shadows long enough to shut it down before this thing turned into a two-parter.  Busted, lady.

Moral of the Story:  Jake fixes claims.  Frank doesn’t fix anything.  And Bryan wears a US Government-issued Secret Service earpiece for some reason.

Next question:  Where’s Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her Candy Apples?

Answer:  There was no answer.  But Jeanette Cota got to come out and yell at Abby, so it was kind of the same thing.  At least until Jeff awkwardly decided to ‘Put A Pin In It’ and send Jeanette home 42 seconds later.

(That’s his legally copyrighted Housewives Catch Phrase, BTW.)

jc

Seriously.  Check the Instant Replay.  42 seconds, not counting getting situated in her snugly dress.  Apparently she left her flat iron plugged in or something, because Jeanette didn’t even have time to put a decent dent in the seat cushion before Jeff said “I know you need to leave” and sent her packing until Season Six.

Thanks for playing.  If you leave now, you’ll beat traffic.  Buh bye.  Wait.  What?

Side note: There were also random ALDC dance performances interspersed throughout the hour, but I know you’ve watched them a gazillion times on youtube, so I’m skimming through the artsy stuff.  The girls looked good, though.  They’re getting so big.

Next topic:  The lack of dance classes and/or dance training now that the gang had relocated to Hollywood.  Which is kinda sorta true.

We flashbacked to my MomCrush flipping out on Abby over stretch classes and then learned that all along we should have been doing our homework in full leotard splits.  We don’t need no dance teacher to put us through inner thigh stretches and flip flops while we go about our daily lives.

Who knew?

If you want the truth, I’m already kinda looking forward to the next time I balance my checkbook.  My goal is a 9.9 from the Russian judge if I can stick the landing.

jc1

Side note:  I liked the way Jeff kept looking off to the side to make sure Bryan was still there in the darkness.  Like…Dude, don’t even think of leaving me here alone.  You just know every corner of that studio was marked with people holding Maybelline oil blotting sheets and stun guns.

And how about this guy here, who can’t believe his life right now.  First his girl makes him miss the Game and come all the way downtown to the show and then she spends the whole hour gossiping with some random chick she doesn’t even know.

Worst.  KissCam.  Ever.

auAnd then we got to relive BraGate one more time.

You remember that one.  That was when Kira and her Hormones (…not to be confused with Jem and the Holograms, I suppose…) completely melted down in Fresno, forcing two hotel caterers to throw themselves over the back hallway staircase railing right before Abby pulled her top off like it was the last day of Spring Break.

And you know I’m dying to post that photo one more time.  You just know it.

But I promised I would not post that photo again this season.  People even begged me online through a Kickstarter page that’s almost up to $9.42.  So I won’t.

Instead, though, here’s a photo of a baby sneezing until it falls over.  Which is pretty much the same reaction I had when Abby took her top off, anyway.  Same diff.

Plus, Holly loves this gif.  So please do enjoy.

ac63e126f65b565db9bf4f58611bec74.jpgAbby claimed that she didn’t hug Kalani that day because there were so many kids begging for hugs that it went on and on and on for so long that she had to make it stop.

Previously unseen footage from that day in question:

72502-kissing-minions-gif-Imgur-8PBsJess and Holly were quick to jump in and point out that there were only 6 children in the entire building and if you hugged each of them for 5 seconds it would still only total up to 30 seconds of your life that you’d never get back.

Finally.  Dance Math I can understand.

Side note:  Jeff said “Simmer Down” which is something you usually only hear spoken by the same people who use the word “Shenanigans.”  Just needed to be pointed out.

And how about these guns, yo?

#HollyArms.haSomebody’s been doing their curls and dips.

True Fact:  I even got a tweet asking me if I knew what her arm workout was.  Because she and I are so tight, you know.

Yes, we’re besties.  But I’m not allowed to go to the gym with her because I take too long primping after we’re done Zumba class.  Some of us don’t wake up like dis, thank you.

And Mama hates waiting around.  Time is money, especially when you’re being strategic about your daughter’s new music career.

We even got a closeup of those arms in action when Holly threatened to knock over a tripod camera and walk off the set after she and Jill got into a…umm…rather heated discussion on whether or not the West Coast had changed Dr. Frazier, which escalated quickly into an argument on tardiness, falsifying information and whether or not The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia ever went to school.

#HollyHulkSmash.

Here’s a thought:  If your Mama is a former school principal, I’m pretty certain you’re getting an education somehow somewhere.

Luckily, my boy Bryan picked up on all the drama in his left ear and jumped out of the shadows one more time to keep Holly on set.  He even posed just like this, which is the same pose he uses on his Learning Annex Self Help Seminar posters and the same pose he used when he unveiled the new iPads last year.

Am I lying?  I swear he’s the same guy from the Apple website.

bs

Side note:  Holly made this face a lot when she just wasn’t having it anymore.

hniAnd then we got to see the full premiere of Nia’s new music video!!

Yaaaaaas, Gawd.  #SLAY.

Fabulously introduced by my new Fabulous boy Mikey Minden, who had shown up at Frank from Nationals…umm…Nationals…last week to unveil the completed jam to a full house crowd, the video was on fire.nmFiyah.

tumblr_nsme5526OE1tb8iyko3_500Yeah.  What she said.

Side note:  Abby made this face when a Big Girl popped up on screen.  Bad memories, I guess.  And what’s going on with that guy behind her in the First Day of School hoodie?

Watch him Whip.  Watch him Nene.  Or not.

avFinally, there was just enough time to get Kira married off.

Dat’s rite.  After taking heat and hot flashes for being with child with no ring, Kira’s boyfriend David showed up to propose.  Just like on Ellen or something.

I know Jill was excited to see him.  You see her clamp onto him like a bear trap?  Don’t stick your foot in that.  Just saying.

We love David.  He’s a rather handsome gentleman, too.

d

He’s kind of a cross between the guy who hosts The Bachelor and somebody who would be ON The Bachelor giving good GuyCry.  Am I right?  Especially with Holly and Jess’s abnormally big hair in the way, doesn’t this picture look exactly like a scene from last season’s Fantasy Suite elimination?

d1Look at how happy they are.  David even kissed Kalani on the head.

kkAbby’s split personality oddly kicked in during the engagement festivities as she ran around in circles taking pictures on her iPhone.  That was strange.  But it was nice to see everyone on the same side for a few minutes.  Congratulations to the happy couple.

These two wish he wasn’t off the market, tho.  You can just tell.

451And then it was over.  Pretty much.

Abby rambled on for a few minutes about the future of the ALDC and about going out when you’re on top even though they’re not on top right now and something about how the girls are growing up and can no longer compete in the junior age categories and she’s going to Panama with Maddie and Mackenzie and how she’s only 45 years old and she didn’t say she was dismantling the team Jeff said that and she was planning on retiring but she didn’t and now she is ending one journey and beginning another one and she kept talking in one long run-on sentence just the way I’m typing it now which made it so hard to understand that I stopped listening after they said there would be a Season Six.

I dunno.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500 It’s over.  But it’s not over.  And that’s all that matters.

We’re just taking a break.  Before you know it…Dance Moms will be back again.

Season 5 is in the can.  We made it through another one.  And it’s been a blast.

And that calls for a celebration.

Nia.  Sing us outta here, willya?

See you guys next season!

Muah.

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