Posts Tagged ‘Universal Royalty’

Toddlers & Tiaras: You Know What They Say About Those Me And My Pet Pageants…Monkey See, Monkey Poo.

Saturday, October 29th, 2016

j2

 

 

Attention: License plate TTWINNZ. Your lights are on and there’s poop all over your back seat.

 

 

j1

 

 

Where’s my damn purse? I could sure use some of those animal tranquilizers right now. Lawd.

 

 

doodydoo

 

 

Jiminy Crickets! Pardon my potty mouth, kids, but the fudge nugget doody doo just hit the fan.

 

 

kr

 

 

 

I’m telling you right now I saw one that was this big. Either clean it up or I rub your pink face in it.

 

 

callyn

 

 

 

Speaking of. I sure scored some sweet s*** this weekend.

 

 

baby

 

 

Don’t say a word, sweetie. Just act cool and let them blame that poop smell on the baby.

 

 

girraffe

 

 

 

I know, right? He’s like the only animal that didn’t take a giant crap on the floor this weekend.

 

 

 

Finally.

We’re back.

And not a minute too soon.  Because I couldn’t hold it in much longer.

My excitement for this show, I mean.  That’s what I meant.

After a week off for some distracting Debate Night nonsense surrounding the future of our country…
giphy-3

Toddlers & Tiaras returned to finish up what they started down in St. Louis.

The Me and My Pet Pageant: Number 2.

tbt_002_curry_goat_gudfit_aj_moore-760x491

I mean…Part 2.

peeweeLet’s just be honest here.

If you picked #POOP as your Secret Word or Safe Word this week…Game Over.  You win.

jd7bb4v7vhpzk2zbhvfaOn the other hand, if it was your Drinking Game Word…not so much.  You should probably check your DVR to see how the episode ended, because there’s no way you made it past the first commercial break.

520ba90e31598b420ab5ed342a4c132dI’m telling you right now.  #POOP is the word.

It was everywhere.  Literally.

As you’ll recall, when we last saw our pageant princesses it was full-on Poopapalooza Panic as moms and kids alike were all trying to maneuver around a ballroom carpet covered in what CNN described as strategically placed Iraqi goat poo landmines.

Srsly.  It was panic in the streets.

p1tumblr_n6t7dzy6ve1qaqx8xo2_500People were stepping over it.  Around it.  On it.  In it.

And every time you looked down, it had spread wider and juicier all around the ballroom like…

tumblr_nr5yxhkpom1s9bqq4o1_500 p1…until my favorite Mom Deb stepped in it with her funky socks and lost her nutty.

Spoiler Alert:  I can’t even wait until the end of this recap to discuss the top Jayliana‘s Mama was wearing during Crowning, it was so good.  I mean…

eyes

Can you even?  Because I can’t.

8048041f69fb5aed4f83e46f1f979e1e#StyleIcon.

And it’s already sold-out online, so don’t bother wasting your time going on the Neiman Marcus website.

According to most of the moms, the #PooGrenades had all been (…allegedly…) launched from the #TeamLyerly goat, even though nobody actually saw Blackberry discharge any ammo on the carpet.

And, honestly,  I’m not even sure when the goat would have had time to do that much damage since he spent the majority of his screen time cradled in the loving arms of Dad Ron Lyerly.

bSide note:  How much do I love the Lyerlys?  If that’s even how you spell it.  Is it Lyerlies, like plural?

Haters gon’ hate, but Ron cracks me up.

vintage-naked-winking-kewpie-doll-piano-baby-ceramictumblr_lzjxb6zetk1rogt97o1_500And Kelly?  You don’t mess with Kelly.  Because she will mess you up.kl3

Check it out.  I was creeping Kelly on the internet and found a picture from back when she hit her head on a beam in their barn and spent the next 6 months thinking she was Martina McBride.

kelly_headshotIt’s true, because it was on the internet.

Anyway.  Back to #Poopgate.

Everybody was ganging up on Ron and Kelly to clean the carpet, but they weren’t having it.

Not one bit.

And you know who else wasn’t having it?

My new favorite Mom Elicia, who was walking around the ballroom with her blurred out Coca Cola, cellphone and glue stick (…I think, or maybe it was a really big chapstick…) all like AwHellNaw You Pick Up Your Goat’s Poop, Little Man.

eGirlfriend was NOT having it.

She WAS having a smokey eye, tho, that was so fierce it could make a MAC counter girl cry.

e1And she was also having a ride around her living room on what I believe has to be the world’s biggest iRobot Roomba vacuum cleaner.  And she was doing it with that dog from the Taco Bell commercial. e2gifs-01Where do you even buy one of those?  Not the Roomba.  I’ve seen those at Best Buy.  I’m talking about that round thing Elicia and the Taco Bell dog were sitting on.

Yo Quiero.

Somewhere around here tiny Kailia had a moment of rambling randomness, discussing her disdain for poop and Jello pudding that basically just served to reinforce the two things we already knew:  Her mom is crazy and a 10 year old girl has better French tips than you can ever hope to have in your lifetime.

2 k2 k

Needless to say, nobody picked up any poop before the competition got started.

The Me and My Pet Pageant.  With real animals.

What could possibly go wrong?

Side note:  Here’s Kim Kardashian the Bride, in a Mermaid Trumpet Spaghetti Strap Lace Corset Layered Ruffle Chapel Train Organza Vera Wang gown.

kim-kardashian-mermaid-spaghetti-lace-corset1.  I’m pretty sure that blonde chick was born with that hair.

2.  Kim’s marriage didn’t last as long as it took you to read that description.

And here’s Kim Kardashian the Pig, in a stroller, wearing the same dress.pigandy-dwyer-shock#MicDrop.

First on stage was Elicia’s baby girl Hallee, who held up the Taco Bell dog like the opening of The Lion King and then Walked  Like an Egyptian until her CD ran out of music.9u4jdSpoiler Alert:  Zebras.

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Next up was Giavanna (…who keeps spellchecking to ‘Giovanni,’ so I apologize in advance…) and Kim Kardashian the Pig in a tribute to Pageant Moms everywhere.

pig2

I see what you did there, Gia, with your pig and your Walmart pajama bottoms.

And so did #JudgeJessica.  Look at how her hair takes up literally 50% of my TV screen.

jm

The other two judges didn’t quite get the shtick at first, but being a (…former or nah?…) Pageant Mom herself, Jessica McClamroch picked right up on all that slander.

As soon as Gia left the stage, Mom Kelly accidentally tipped the stroller over, knocking Kim Kardashian onto her back so hard that her legs went up in the air and her dress fell off, which is something we’ve all seen so many times that I’m not even gonna bother looking for a picture.

andy-dwyer-shock

While all that hilarity was ensuing, all that poop was still laying on the carpet out back until someone finally called the front desk and told them what was going on in their own ballroom.

img_2414Enter Employee of the Month Kim…kim

…whose face was so good that you need to see it 3 times.

www.NotMyJob.com.

Mom Marcy ran around showing Kim all the poop, which I’m gonna assume she could have found on her own if you put her on the scent.  But whatever.  I love Marcy.

Side note:  At one point Marcy even called all that nasty s*** by its scientific name of Doody Doo and now I love her even more.  Because…you know.  Doody Doo.  She’s in her 40s.

Side note 2:  Maybe they should have just called the folks at DoodyCalls.

Because that’s a real thing and now they just got free advertising on my site.  No wonder I can’t make any money off this thing when I keep giving away complimentary ad space.

doodycallsnj

Their website actually asks; “Pet waste piling up?”

Wait.  What?

At least they get to drive the Scooby-Doo van to work every day.

doodycalls-van-mike-k-5While Hotel Kim was downstairs giving HR her 2 weeks notice, Alycesaundra took to the stage with her goat in a routine that was completely lost on me unless I just missed something.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

rb goat1So a girl and a goat walk into a bar…

I dunno.  Both of those Tiara Twins are so cute I can’t stand it, so I’m going to overlook the fact that Alycesaundra walked on stage with a goat, slammed back a couple of brewskis and then picked up her goat and left the bar without paying her tab.  I don’t even understand the concept, much less why any waitress would serve an underage girl two root beers and a bottle of warm milk with a rubber nipple on it and then just walk away.

Did I already show you this?

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Because nothing else is making any sense right now.j3 bbjjThankfully, it was right about here when I realized there was not nearly enough Cambrie Littlefield in the episode.  No ma’am.  She’s my girl.  Does TLC even read this thing?

c#Goals.

And what about Nisa Hooper?  Are we really going another week without Nisa?

an1-1

We LOVE Nisa.  Remember that episode where she had too much to drink and got all like…north-west-wears-kim-kardashians-sun-glasses-ftrOr that time she had that massive fight with Cambrie and got all like…

tumblr_o46vwufpmt1qhzi2jo2_540…and then Cambrie got all like…

x-men-apocalypse-gif-56d595fe9ae5cOr maybe that episode hasn’t aired yet.  I forget.

Butt (…poop humor…) I digress.

Backstage, #Poopgate was out of control.

Kim came back with a bunch of hotel managers and made that face again.kimRon and Kelly still refused to pick up after their goat, which made Elicia put her #NisaShades on top of her head so she could get all sassy and wave her finger around like…

Aw.
e6

Hell.e4

Naw.e5

Ron never let go of that goat, FYI.
ronNot even when he got all Bill Nye the Poop Science Guy on Kim and tried to explain the difference between Coco Puffs, Goobers and Whoppers when it came to discerning what animal butt makes the best holiday chocolates.

billnyethehandjobguy-41470I don’t even know what’s happening in that picture.

Luckily, Kailia hit the rings for her Tarzan & Jane routine, temporarily breaking the tension in the room.  Or so I thought, until Mom Marcy prepped us for the number by explaining how her daughter was going to rip off her Jane dress like a Rain Forest stripper but not be wearing any pasties underneath.

Because she totally said that.

Newsflash:  Not everyone can wear pasties like a Boss.  Just saying.

eyes 8048041f69fb5aed4f83e46f1f979e1eKailia nailed her performance…kk1kk

…even though #JudgeJessica thought the parrot sitting on top of K’s Ring Thingamajig.

Side note:  Marcy was INTO Kailia’s routine.   Look at her face.

mAnd look at Mustache Guy.  There he is again.  He’s everywhere in this show!

I know who he is now, too.  Thanks to a slightly awkward recap a few weeks ago, I might add.

But I’m not telling you.

Just take a shot every time he’s in a scene.  It’ll be fun.

rb

Gah.  She’s cute.

#Poopgate Round 3:  This is when it really hit the fan backstage.

Ron and Kelly were screaming at all the other Moms.

All the other Moms were screaming at Ron and Kelly.

This new Mom right here went OFF on them all like Pick Up Your Poop, Bitch.

pink

And then Kelly was all like You Wanna Go Outside, Bitch?  Don’t Make Me Take My Shoes Off.fight

And then Ron was all like Don’t Make Me Put My Goat Down, Bitch.fight1
And don’t even ask me why Marcy thought she could stop #NervousPoop from shooting out just by putting up one hand like she was making a Force Field or something.

They’re not filming Fantastic Four, honey.  This is TLC.

Marcy also wanted to do an impromptu Cambrie’s Court cheer, because that always works to break the tension right before fists and Doody Doo start flying, right?

And, finally…to seal the deal…Elicia and her smokey eyes caught a good glimpse of Kelly when she bent over and before you knew it a simple discussion on whose butt was bigger quickly transitioned into…

Umm…well…

article-2446556-188fd31600000578-900_634x438Excuse me?  I don’t think so.  Not with kids in the car.

butt

I almost forgot about the pageant.

Tiny Emily hit the stage dressed all in pink like Reese Witherspoon (…where do they find all these little chihuahuas on such short notice?…) and rocked it like a pro.  Mom Alysha was so proud she didn’t even notice Mustache Guy sneaking up a row.mggiphy-5Side note:  Only on Toddlers & Tiaras is a rampaging zebra the most normal thing you’ll see.

Because that happened next.

 giphy-6Callyn‘s Secret Weapon Zebra just wasn’t feeling it that afternoon and refused to come up on stage with her for the routine.  Which kinda defeated the whole Me and My Pet theme, I guess.

But she still did great.

z z1And Mom was proud.

So proud in fact, that she too was oblivious to her surroundings.

mg1ty0wl4aAnd then it was over.

Except for Crowning and stuff, I mean.

But we wasted so much time with funny pictures and Drinking Games that I’m almost out of space.

The Short Version:  The Tiara Twins didn’t score as high as they would have liked, but they’re so cute it doesn’t matter.  They have a Greyhound bus with their faces on it, fercryinoutloud.

Callyn scored higher than her cousin for the first time in…I dunno…forever, maybe…and Mom was over the moon.  But the two girls are still Besties.  So don’t you worry.

And Kailia won the Mega Grand Supreme!  The Big One.

Mom was all like…

nm

And Kailia cried she was so happy.

When it was all over, one of the cousins pulled out her own eyelashes on live TV.

lash

The hotel’s expensive carpet still smelled like poop and Kim was in therapy at an undisclosed location to protect her privacy.

During the wild after-party, a goat photobombed the security guards.

enhanced-buzz-23031-1345556666-2And a judge photobombed the Winner.

cvvz8yzwiaektpc-jpg-large-2Because #BigHairDon’tCare.

Poop there it is.

moxiegirlz

Toddlers & Tiaras: Holy Pageant Panic Part Two, Batman! Only Superheroes And Sparkly Things Can Save Us Now.

Thursday, September 15th, 2016

deb

 

 

Just between us, I lie about my age all the time. It’s the only way to get a discount at Claire’s.

 

shot

 

 

Don’t even tell me those chicks are in my shot, because I am the Queen. You listening to me?

 

 

drink

 

 

Honestly, every time they start crying I just close my eyes and pretend I’m holding a cocktail.

 

 

h

 

 

If the Fair Pageant Bureau wants that certificate, they’re gonna have to pull it back outta my butt.

 

ch

 

 

And now they say I can’t claim any of this as med school tuition just because she’s a fake doctor.

 

 

 

 

I read in Cosmo that if you press right here you can tell if you’re about to have a massive stroke.

 

xray

 

 

 

My new X-Ray Specs are totally gonna help me track down the bitch who stole my crown.

 

 

The mean streets of Mesa are on fire.

Villains are terrorizing the residents with giant hair and hammers.

Heroes are finger kissing and fighting the forces of Evil, trying to regain control of their city.

It’s chaos and contouring, people.  But have no fear.

Because just like that…

kapow-1…they’re back.

Toddlers & Tiaras is here to save the day.

In the nail biting 2nd part of GemStars‘ super-sized Heroes vs. Villains Pageant, it was anyone’s guess who would still be standing when the dust and (…Spoiler Alert…) smoke machine haze cleared before Crowning.

When we last saw our heroes, Mom Becky had just been stopped at the Check-In desk by Director Debbie Graston, who was in the process of both physically and verbally blocking her entrance into the ballroom until Becky could produce a notarized and laminated copy of Kaylee‘s birth certificate.

Because, you know…The Fair Pageant Bureau.

fpbI know, right?  What is that?  Is that even a real thing?

And who sent Debbie that mystery email?  And why did Debbie suddenly take it as gospel that maybe tiny Kaylee wasn’t really 6 years old just because she looks like she’s 10 years old when she’s in hot rollers?

cait4

She looks like she’s 32 when she’s all teased up.  Are we really gonna go there?

cait

Maybe we should check her LinkedIn profile while we’re at it to make sure she didn’t pad her resume that year she worked at Wells Fargo.

Gah, she’s cute.

And how did her Dad keep those sunglasses on the back of his neck the entire episode?  I can’t even keep mine on my face if it gets too humid outside.

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Needless to say, Becky had a copy of Kaylee’s birth certificate right there in her Back To School pocket folder and whipped it out all like…

1365706340988393_animate-1…which shut everybody else up and made my PageantCoachCrush Cambrie start to think that maybe the GemStar cards were already stacked against them.

rhHome Decor Tip:  You can never have too many accessories or boobs in one room.

Nobody told me I needed 3D glasses to watch this show.  But I guess that’s why Cambrie Littlefield is #Goals.  Because she is.  And your argument is irrelevant.

And the entire mantle display can be purchased thru West Elm’s website, FYI.

As you’ll recall, Kim had shown up with her little niblet Selyse, despite the fact that they were currently coach-less thanks to last week’s Sassy Mom-tervention.

bf

No.  YOU talk to the hand.kimBut it didn’t matter.  Because Kim had it all under control even though I believe Selyse’s Snuggie is on backwards.  Or maybe not.  I don’t know.

But I love Kim.  F’realz.wigletAnd she knows that little wiglet goes on her kid’s head, right?  Not her’s?  Cuz I swear…

Side note:  Now you guys all know that everything on this sloppy site is done in fun and I’m easily sloppier than anyone else on any of these shows and most of what I say is straight up made up anyway, right?  Because I would never intentionally go in for the kill.

Ever.

Except for maybe right now.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love me some Jaimie and some Debbie, but you might wanna get the kids out of the room for a few minutes.

stage1

What the F***ing F*** is even F***ing happening on that F***ing stage right now?

Are they blocking a Fire Door?

And what the what is up with those decorations?

Spoiler Alert:  Even Harlie stopped right in the middle of her Beauty Routine to try and figure out what the F*** was going on back there.

fire

Srsly.  Have you ever gone to one of those temporary Mall Halloween stores in the middle of November when it’s their last day before it turns into a temporary Christmas Shop?

And there’s only one person working and all they have left are four cardboard cutouts and the fabric they used to cover up the Radio Shack logo?

That soldier is literally shooting out the kneecaps of a Disney lady.

But I still love you, Jaimie.  Call me.

23-adele-phone-2-w1200-h630 adeleflip-1445785825

And scene.

Moving on, we smoothly transitioned to Queen Cadence, who revealed some secret organization that collects all the unwanted babies that have been tossed out windows and finds them new homes with people that I assume won’t throw them out windows anymore.

Because the Baby Club is a real thing.  Like the FPB.

sel1

Q.  You gonna tell that #PatootieFace there’s no such thing?  I don’t think so.

jcQ.  And you gonna tell that #ProudMamaFace to stop crying?  I don’t think so.

From the minute Cadence his the stage, Mom Julie was a hot mess.

jc1Haters gonna hate, but Amy and Julie are THE best.  Period.giphy-copy-6

The lady behind her is even making the exact same face.  What are the chances?

jcry

With all the waterworks you’d think they could at least top off that aquarium, tho.  fish

Cambrie felt bad that Cadence appeared a little lost on stage, but it gave Ms. Littlefield an opportunity to wear yet another outfit in a confessional.  So there was that.

cbJudge Toniann Rotante wanted more facial expression and had a last name that sounded like spaghetti sauce, so I immediately bonded with her.

Mangia, Mama Mia!  Gimme Face, dahling.

judgegiphy-2Little squirt Selyse was up next and was so cute I wanted to slap somebody.

sel3 kimselsel4Like Piper‘s Mom Katie, maybe, who called Selyse a hot mess.

Violence is never the answer kids, but you know…

kat2One thing I do like about Katie is her hair.

She has that messy hair like when you’re at the club and you see another girl texting your man and you just clip as much as you can out of your face before you throw down so the bitch doesn’t try and yank it out when you drag her across the floor.

That kind of hair.

kat

Ain’t dat rite, Cambrie?

cMmmHmm.  You know dat’s rite.  That’s why Mama wears a bun, yo.

TLC Newsflash:  Cambrie Littlefield….c3

…makes…c6

…winners…c7…mmmkay?

063e174f0ef5b86492ff523de274f8f2-jpgSide note:  Everyone on #TeamHope got iPhones as a bribe to get in the car.

hope“S.O.S.”…SEND.

ph“Dude.  There’s like NO Pokemon in here.  Not even a Squirtle.  This sucks.”…SEND.

ph2Next up was cutie Caitlyn who, as you’ll recall, was going for redemption this week after having her crown snatched right off her head at the last GemStars shindig.

Nobody is took’ed-ing her toys this time.  Ain’t happening.

cait6Somebody needs to prevent this kid from getting any cuter before she warps the Time and Space Continuum on Cuteness and all the ugly people get sucked off the planet.  And that’s not even a joke.

Her hair looked familiar…

melania…but for the life of me, I couldn’t place where I’d seen it before.

donald-melania-trump-bill-hillary-clinton-600When you’re cuter than your pink poodle, is that really fair to the rest of us?poodletoysDid she just snap his neck?

Mom Charis got upset that Caitlyn missed two parts of her routine…

ch…because if you divide the $100,000 that Mama’s spent on pageants so far, that averages out to roughly $50,000 per pinky wave.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxjBy the time Kaylee hit the stage, her hair was so big she had to spread her arms out for balance like those high wire people do when they  tip toe across rope tied between two skyscrapers.  Careful, gurl.

kay2It should probably be noted that one judge said Kaylee looked just like a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader, but this whole conversation could go wrong in so many ways that I think it’s best if we just move on.  #GoTeam.  dallas-cowboys-cheerleader-during-philadelphia-game

Side note:  Is that a real baby or one of those puppets where you make the mouth move with your hand?

puppet

Because Mom is still holding her the same way out back.  Why is she doing that?

puppet1

And what is even happening right now?

selfie

Doesn’t that seem kinda close to her face, or is that just me again?

Anyway.  Katie’s other daughter Harlie was next to wander the stage.

You remember Harlie.  She’s the one who looks like Piper but didn’t want to participate in the pageant like Piper.  Unfortunately, the check was already in the mail so bailing wasn’t really an option.

But Mom and Dad still love you and still think you’re special.

h2Long story short:

The Rules specified that any child over the age of 5 could not be coached by their Moms from behind the judges’ table without losing points.  You read it.  You signed it.

But then this happened.

jk

A few times, actually.

Was Jaimie coaching Harlie from behind the judges’ table?  Wasn’t that…?

Excuse me?

sn

Becky went OFF.

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Right behind the emcee.  Look at him almost drop the mic.

mc2Before anyone could even say ‘Sparkle, Baby’ the whole thing spilled into the hallway where Becky and her husband and Katie and her husband all pig piled on top of each other screaming about rules and breaking rules and how Harlie was a special needs child and —
powWait.  What?

Nobody ever mentioned that Harlie was a special needs child.  Just special.

Even Cambrie changed her outfit again and got all like…

cblIt was ON with the Moms.

You’re trailer trash.  You’re a bully.  Who bullies a special needs child?  You’re still trailer trash.  And you’re still a bully.

It got In.  Sane.

People were running in circles all over the place.  Charis came out of the ballroom all like ‘Keep it down out here!  We’re trying to run a damn pageant!’ while that one poor lady who just came downstairs to find a vending machine ended up caught in the crossfire holding her baby and an empty ice bucket.

wpcrazyLook at her.  You just know she was all like…

124c45d5bf34b506be033752dbf2701bThankfully, the other Deb (…Jayliana‘s Mama…) came swooping in to separate the women and get everyone back inside before Outfit of Choice got started.  Ain’t nobody gonna screw this thing up before my baby gets on stage.  Don’t even think about it.

Swear to God I will stick my stiletto wine bottle opener in your throat if you don’t sit down.

djAgain.  Violence is never the answer, kids.  But Deb has a stiletto on her sofa table.

Side note:  Check out that little girl trying to sneak a picture of Jaimie when she’s not looking.  She totally thinks she’s about to post a photo of Adele onto her IG account.

adeleAnd how about Yellow Shirt Guy trying to get on TV?  Look at his friend trying to dive out of the shot because he told all his buddies he was at a Wildcats game.

buddies

Riley and Piper finished off the Beauty Game and then the party really got started.

Outfit of Choice.

Cadence came bounding out as Harley Quinn, the Joker’s girlfriend.hqharleygifhq2She even had the hammer, which she smacked on the ground so hard…

comic_graphics_impacts_previmage

…that it made Julie cry again.

jc

Dr. Caitlyn was next to hit the stage, wearing glasses and dancing like a ’50s sock hop waitress on roller-skates.  I’m not really sure what that was all about, given the pageant’s theme, since I find doctors to be scary but not necessarily in the villain category.  Unless it was an homage to the recent Suicide Squad movie where Harley Quinn dressed up like a doctor and I just missed it.glassRegardless, my goal is to one day be as cute as this kid so it doesn’t even matter how nonsensical I behave.  She doesn’t even have lenses in those googlie things.

Then it was Kaylee’s turn to set the stage on fiyah.  Or almost, anyway.

Remember last week when they tested out those pyrotechnics and blew the hem on Cambrie’s pink babydoll dress up another 3 inches?  Well, it was showtime.

Dad clicked a bunch of Home Depot wires together, setting off fireballs and one of the restroom sprinklers as Double Oh Kay Kay werked the crowd.

Which seemed to wow the judges but rub Katie the wrong way.

tth

Apparently, somewhere in the GemStars contract was a clause that you couldn’t use Vegas Special Effects during your routine.  Or something.  They weren’t very clear about the actual verbiage.

But if Kaylee could use fireballs, then HellToTheYeah Piper was gonna use her smoke machine.  Which Mom just happened to have on her, BTW.

Because she’s a freakin’ redneck Boy Scout, that’s why.

What?  Your Mom never told you to make sure you stocked the glove compartment of your Nissan with a candle, a can of Spam and a fog machine just in case you spun off the highway and landed in a ditch and had to wait for help?

Next thing you knew, Piper emerged from the mist like the Phantom of the Opera.

Except that she was Poison Ivy from Batman.pipi2

And then it all just kinda fell apart.

Cambrie snuck at a peek at one of the judge’s scoresheets and saw that Piper and Kaylee BOTH received a ‘7‘ in one of the little boxes, which could not have been possible unless the whole pageant was…say it with me…RIGGED.

Somehow the whole thing spilled back out into the hallway again.

Trailer Trash vs. Bully:  Round II

Katie did this a few more times, like she did in the first fight…

tth

And Becky did this a few more times, like she did in the first fight…

cheatAnd then someone did this…

hand…which in shadow puppetry makes the face of a duck if you turn the lights out.  I’m not sure where they were going with that one, but note that there are still sunglasses securely attached to the back of Tim’s head.

And is it just me, or…?

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Katie yelled.  Becky yelled.

Take your birth certificate and shove it up your butt.

Rinse & Repeat.

powAnd then it over.  Or at least Part II was.

Will our Pageant Princesses ever make it to Crowning?

Who sent the FPB email?

And does this guy ever NOT wear a cowboy hat?dadAll those questions…and more…will be answered next week.

Same Toddler Time.

Same Toddler Channel.

Trust me.  It’s gonna be eye opening.

tb2

Toddlers & Tiaras: Holy Pageant Panic, Batman! When It’s Heroes vs. Villains, Only The GemStars Can Save The Day.

Friday, September 9th, 2016

listen

 

 

Bitch, I know you got my crown and I’m coming for you as soon as I finish this juice box.

 

 

augh

 

 

If the Fair Pageant Bureau finds out I’ve been claiming dental deductions for fake teeth…

 

 

wire

 

 

Pageants are like the Mob. They keep pulling you back in. And now they want me to wear a wire.

 

v

 

 

Now I’m not talking smack about other Moms, but I think a few husbands are riding hogs, too.

 

dont

 

 

That mask gave me such a headache. Every time I open my eyes, I swear all I see are cows.

 

 

shoe2

 

 

I don’t know what’s in that wine glass, but I just realized I’m only wearing one shoe. Hit me.

 

 

ps

 

 

Pardon my potty mouth, but I’m ’bout to make this pixy stick my bitch.

 

 

 

With apologies to Bonnie Tyler.

And Bruce Wayne, of course.

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I need a hero.

I’m holding out for a hero till the end of the night.

And a crown.  Duh.

Heroes vs. Villains.

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It’s the pageant Mesa, AZ deserves.

But not the one it needs right now.

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Or is it?

Don’t touch that dial, cuz we’re about to find out.

snap

When we last saw our heroes, Sassy Supremes Pageant Coach Jaimie had just convened an emergency Sassy Meeting of Team Sassy over at stately Sassy Manor to address the controversy surrounding Soon-To-Be Not So Sassy Mom Kim‘s decision to (…maybe or maybe yes…) take tiny Selyse across enemy lines and join forces with Cambrie’s Court.  Because she was totally thinking of doing that.

Which, as previously discussed, is one of the top…if not THE top…No No in Pageant Land, followed closely by not properly maintaining your French Tips and thinking for one moment that this blog has any credibility in the Pageant World.

Right, Cambrie?

hh2She’s #Goals, BTW.

And she was totally in the process of giving this blog a thumbs up, despite what the screenshot may or may not imply.

Side note:  Can we just clear up, once and for all, the online controversy regarding her embroidered track jacket crest, please?

trump-plane-10

It’s not the same crest stitched onto the head rests in Donald Trump‘s airplane, even though the lady in the infomercial did kinda sorta look like Cambrie, which is probably how all this confusion began in the first place.

Look.  14K Gold clickers.

originalQ.  Shouldn’t she have her seat belt buckled during takeoff?

Look.  A giant Princess Crown that’s way bigger than yours.

cll

Q.  Shouldn’t she be wearing more clothes?

Again.  #Goals.

True Fact:  I plan to heart Cambrie right up until the day somebody wearing a suit or badge physically hands me an actual restraining order, because just threatening to do it on Facebook doesn’t count.

Anyway.

comic_graphics_impacts_previmage

Back at stately Sassy Manor, things were not going well at all.

It was approximately 295 to 1 as all the Sassy Moms ganged up on Kim during their Sassy Mom-tervention.  And it wasn’t pretty.

There were so many New Moms on cell phones and Old Moms on cell phones and one Dad Jimmy with so many drinks in front of him…

dad

…that the whole thing spun out of control so fast I’m not even sure where to start.

Long story a little shorter, nobody wanted Kim on the Team anymore.

Especially Bow Tie Mom Megan, who wasn’t wearing a bow tie this week…

bow2…and Mom Katie, who immediately got all Real Housewives on Kim’s a** like…

bf3Which made another copycat Mom get all like Yeah, What She Said”

tumblr_mvdh1kpzc91rh4wd8o1_400…without even looking up from the lengthy pageant application form she was filling out.

Spoiler Alert:  Thank Gawd I don’t have to send in a birth certificate.

Naturally, in true Toddler 2.0 fashion, every single Mom started in on Kim.  I forget their names, because they’re still pretty new to everybody.  But I love them all.

And their Felicia Game was on point.

There was the one who wanted Kim gone so bad she almost broke a hip.6359572984704414631803357613_byefel

And the one who was too cool to even say the words.
tumblr_inline_mmuikb1q9r1qz4rgpAnd the one who I personally felt was wearing too much makeup for such an early hour.tumblr_mwtco7tntn1qde4uko1_500But I’m not here to judge.  Just report the facts.

Interior Design Note:  One of the drawbacks to being in the Pageant World is that you always end up with one room in your home completely devoid of all furnishings except sparkle window sheers and carpeting covered in black electrical tape ‘Xs.’

Am I right?

Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing until you try to entertain.  Which explains why Jaimie and Kim ended up sitting on the floor discussing Selyse’s future while everyone else towered over them waving arms and iPhones like those inflatable whacky arm balloon people you always see in front of used car dealerships.

gr-kite-banner-sign#ByeFelicia.

And if there’s one thing they taught me at Trump University, it’s to always maintain eye level contact with your prey.  So you know Kim didn’t stand a chance in this negotiation.

Disclaimer:  Despite two Trump mentions in the first scene, this in no way implies an endorsement for either candidate in this year’s election.

#America.

When it was all said and done, Kim was out.

Which was just fine with Katie, who smoothly transitioned from #ByeFelicia to #TalkToTheHand without even skipping a beat.

sshhhbf2I know, right?  Nothing shuts a bitch up like a good ’90s reference.

the-handIs it really only the third episode?  Because I swear I could almost—

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We never did get an answer, tho, on what exactly was happening with this dog.

dog

Is he in Time Out?  Is he ok?  What’s even happening right now?

It’s a dog, right?

Somehow in the midst of all this hilarity, we still had time to scoot to Vegas and check out #InnovationNation All My Ladies #GetInFormation Dance Studio…tumblr_o27oxb4ntm1rv4aqro1_500innbeyonce-superbowl…where Cambrie was laying down the law for this week’s pageant.

Nothing much happened there.

Except for maybe the part when Mom Deb said that all the complainers should just stop complaining and go make cuter babies with someone better looking than their husbands.

Because she totally said that.  Maybe not just like that.  But pretty close.

We.  Love.  Deb.

You remember her.  She’s Jayliana‘s Mama.

Yaaaaaas, Mama!

tumblr_nzglgj7rmt1qlvwnco1_500Jayliana’s the little nugget who got all like…

bowww…when Miss Cambrie tried to make her wear a hair bow from the Mall.

Look at Solange just pushing that blonde chick outta the way when the beat dropped.

jay#NaturalHairDontCare.tumblr_nzglgj7rmt1qlvwnco1_500This kid is gold.  Literally.

This week the gang was head to the Heroes vs. Villains Pageant in Mesa, AZ…which was sponsored by GemStars…which was run by Jaimie’s Mom Debbie in an awkwardly incestuous kind of low score sheet way.

What could possibly go wrong?  Hold that allegedly rigged thought.

Because eventually, we actually met some of this week’s contestants.

zap

First up was 4 year old Cadence and her two Moms.  Dat’s rite.  Count ’em.

Mom #1, Amy, initially set off my CrazyAlarm, but it was a false alarm.

crzytumblr_nzglgj7rmt1qlvwnco1_500I know, right?

Mom #2, Julie, had Todd Bailey‘s old Boy Band hair and got pretty emotional over her expansive cow collection, which was totally understandable.

Because It.  Was.  Awesome.

cowscow3Look.  There’s another one over there.  Omigod.  They’re everywhere.

cow2

Kidding.

Turns out that she was actually choked up over her baby Cadence.  Who was adorbz.

And who had been diagnosed with cancer before even being born and was their Miracle Baby and if you didn’t get a little teary eyed while she told the story, then Imma need you to just leave now and beat traffic.  Cuz I love me some Moms who love their kids so much that they Ugly Cry on national television.

Amy and Julie are even more awesome than their cows.  I mean…look at ’em.

moms2werk3Anyone else think that aquarium could use some water?

fishContestant #2 was 9 year old Piper, Katie’s daughter.

That picture big enough?

piperPiper is a straight up #PageantPro who looks exactly like a CNN anchor in her glitz photos and has no intention of coming in Second Place…ever.  She knows her shizz and has a stash of GemStars sashes that almost knocked Julie’s cows from the Top Spot.

pip

Mom Katie, who we already met at Jaimie’s house…table

…spent most of her time outside on the picnic table, looking like she was singing a duet about some long distance relationship gone awry with Miranda Lambert‘s ex-husband.

We got plenty of juicy scoop and wet poop (…you see that?  That horse was nasty…) on the upcoming pageant and all things Facebook from Katie before heading inside to meet Piper’s sister who didn’t want to participate in the upcoming festivities.

This is Harlie, who looks like Piper and just wasn’t having any of it this week.

nopeUnfortunately, the downpayment check was already in the mail.  So you’re doing it.

No slight to Harlie, but as any true Toddlers & Tiaras fan knows, if you not doing it…this is how you let them know you’re not doing it, ‘kay?

Cuz this girl ain’t doing it.

tumblr_mez99lggyz1rt1rl9#Iconic.

Side note:  Do you think they even know there’s someone behind the refrigerator?

popLooks like Piper just figured it out.

We traced the calls.  They’re coming from inside the house.

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Jaimie said Piper was going to make that stage her Bitch.  So there was that.

Moving on, we left whining Harlie behind and revved up a shiny new Harley over at 6 year old Kaylee‘s farmhouse.

bikeThat’s Mom Becky, who in lieu of a picnic table, straddled a sweet ride the entire time she was being interviewed.  Motorcycle Mama.  She’s a wild child just like her daughter.

fire2Kaylee has a speech thing where she stumbles like Rihanna‘s Umbrella Ella Ella song, but she’s so cute I could overlook it as long as they’re doing what’s right for her behind the cameras.  If that tractor is pink, tho.  I swear…

Becky did this alot…

v3

….which made her look like a ’60s Love Child if you Snapchat flowers into her hair and pretend those garage shelves are stocked with drugs instead of whatever all that crap is.

And then this happened.  And I swear I wasn’t even stoned, man.

arrowF’real.

Miss Cambrie showed up in the most archery-inappropriate outfit imaginable to sling arrows into a tipped over front door/dirty mattress target like a Boss.

Just like Katniss from Hunger Games.

If Katniss wore a pink babydoll mini and wedged sling backs,  I mean.

tumblr_mnd730zjxs1rz62vio1_500And teamed up with whoever this is shooting Pokemon.

madoka_shooting_one_arrow_zpsbrt6donpDid I forget to mention that Magician Jackson Rayne showed up?  Because he did.

And not just because Cambrie has THE most random assortment of friends in her Contact List evah (…Dallas Lovato, anyone?…) but also because he was going to train Kaylee in the art of potentially disfiguring pyrotechnics.

Because fire makes everything better, yo.

fireEspecially Glitz Pageants and cosmic battles against Dr. Doom.

tumblr_llg7n74xap1qfiuy9Don’t try either of those things without adult supervision, kids.  Trust me.

To round out the lineup, we jacked our blood sugar to an unsafe level by meeting one of the cutest little niblets to ever grace a temporary Ramada Inn stage.

Five year old Caitlyn, who was so precious I almost blacked out.

dog3

And her Mom Charis, who had more money to burn than Johnny Storm up there.

snatch

Like upwards of $100,000 spent on pageants so far.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxj#AdoptMePlease.

True Fact:  At the last GemStars Pageant, Caitlyn had been robbed of her crown.

Literally.  Like ripped off her head and given to another little girl right there in front of everyone in the ballroom.  And her toys, too.

Actual never-before seen footage:

tumblr_m6v868fgpw1qil395o1_500So now it was Redemption Time.

And I got yo’ numbah, bitch.  Right here in speed dial.callher

Look at how cute she is.  Really.

snatch2Somewhere around here was when Cambrie took all her Court Cuties for a Spa Day.

Because of course.

And it was fun and all, but the only thing that really mattered was when we got to go home with Deb and slam back a few boxes of vino on the couch.

Please tell me you didn’t go get a snack right then, because it was Emmy-worthy.

shoeShe has a wine bottle holder shaped like a shoe.

Or maybe just has her shoe on the table and doesn’t care.

Not to mention about 17 additional bottles on the other end of the couch that didn’t get nearly enough screen time.  But it doesn’t even matter.

Because it’s Deb.  And she’s as awesome as those socks right there.

danceHaters gonna hate.  And then motivate.

Rinse & Repeat.

kapow-1

Finally, it was Showtime!

And time to meet Director Debbie…

debdreamy…who couldn’t believe that everyone already knew Jaimie was her daughter.

And that Jaimie wasn’t really Adele and had just been Jaimie all this time.

And that the Fair Pageant Bureau was a totally made-up company created by somebody using Outlook at a Staples store so the IP address couldn’t be tracked.

Because that totally happened.

Check it out.fpb

That not-sketchy-looking-at-all email right there that Debbie received prior to the event, warning her that Kaylee’s Mom had faked out her daughter’s age on the GemStars application in order to get her into a different age group because the toys are bigger.

Wait.  What?

This whole conspiracy theory just gave me a headache.

maskI feel your pain, Boo.

Bottom line, Becky was stopped at the check-in desk and patted down for Kaylee’s birth certificate, which no normal person would ever have anywhere on their person unless they were going across the border in the middle of the night for cigars.

Debbie wouldn’t let Becky get through security without a birth certificate.

Becky was all like ‘WTF?’

And then it all went downtown.

pow

Will our Pageant Princesses make it to the stage in time?

Who sent the FPB email?

And why is that lady talking into the wrong end of the phone?  Is it just me or aren’t the holes supposed to be on the other end?cellAll those questions…and more…will be answered next week.

Same Toddler Time.

Same Toddler Channel.

#ByeFelicia.

octo-pussoir

 


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